194: Regulating for the kids…and for your marriage
10/09/23 • 58 min
Do you ever feel triggered by your partner's behavior?
(No? Just me? 😬)
Many parents who join the Taming Your Triggers workshop sign up for help navigating their children's behavior...and then once they're inside they confess that their partner's behavior is even more triggering than their child's.
As you might imagine, many of the participants in the Taming Your Triggers workshop are women. (Classic patriarchy at work: caregiving is women's work, and so is managing the emotional climate of the family, so why does a male partner in a cisgender, heterosexual relationship need to bother?)
So I've been especially glad to see that more and more men are taking the workshop - and last time around we also had several couples participating together.
Elizabeth and Marshall are physical therapists who travel and work to pay off their student loan debt. They had a three-year-old, and then became unexpectedly pregnant - with twins!
Both Elizabeth and Marshall had fairly typical middle class childhoods...they had enough with out being rich, but underneath the veneer that 'everything's fine' lurked disconnection from parents, unexpressed anger, and mental illness - as well as the societal messages of getting out of debt and preparing for retirement.
Elizabeth had no idea she had anger issues until she became a parent. Suddenly she felt both anger and shame about her anger, not understanding that the anger was wrapped up in her childhood.
Since Elizabeth and Marshall have organized their entire lives around paying off their student loan debt, it was hard to commit to spending money on not just one but two enrollments in Taming Your Triggers. Up to that point, Elizabeth often felt she was the one doing the work and dragging Marshall along...but he saw how important this was to her, and went all-in alongside her.
They've noticed profound shifts in their capacity to be with their children - as well as with each other.
Elizabeth knows not just in her head but in her body that it's OK to be in uncomfortable situations and not fix everything immediately.
She talked with her mom about a shame-filled situation from her childhood that Elizabeth thought she would "take to her grave" - and now the issue doesn't impact her anymore.
Marshall is able to let go of problems that used to really bother him, and engages the children in using the concepts from the workshop.
They can work through the challenges they're facing, both as a couple and as parents. Their now have the space for conversations about their parenting values, instead of just reacting to the latest emergency.
Elizabeth wrote to me that it's taken a long time for her to realize that investing in parenting education is just as important as paying for good food. She's shifted her mindset by realizing that:
If you're a man reading this, we'd love to see you in the workshop. You won't be alone, and we may be able to create a men-only discussion space for you. (I know it can be hard to talk about things like anger issues with women around.)
If you're a woman in a cis-het partnership, you can absolutely participate alone - and you'll learn a LOT. Most people do it this way.
But you'll get even more out of it when you and your partner are on the same page. Marshall says:
Hear Elizabeth and Marshall describe the work they've been doing - and how it has helped - in this new episode.
Taming Your Triggers
Ever find yourself reacting to your partner's behavior or your child's actions in ways you wish you didn't?
You're not alone!
Many parents come to the Taming Your Triggers workshop hoping to manage their kids' behavior but quickly discover it's also about dealing with those partner-triggered moments!
Parents just like you are already signed up for a journey to a happier, calmer family life. This workshop could be the game-changer you've been waiting for!
Remember, you'll get the best results when you bring your partner along!
Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.
Jump to Highlights
01:20 Introducing today’s topic
01:47 Elizabeth and Marshall introduce themselves and their family
04:00 They talk about experiencing burnout from continuously helping others in their profession.
06:06 The couple discussed how their upbringing influenced their parenting style.
11:27 They shared about their experience with going through the Taming Your Triggers program together and how they decided to do it.
16:52 Marshall explains why parenting is hard for them
23:24 The couple talks about how parenting has improved over the past few months.
28:20 Elizabeth talks about how her perspective on her relationship with her mother changed.
Do you ever feel triggered by your partner's behavior?
(No? Just me? 😬)
Many parents who join the Taming Your Triggers workshop sign up for help navigating their children's behavior...and then once they're inside they confess that their partner's behavior is even more triggering than their child's.
As you might imagine, many of the participants in the Taming Your Triggers workshop are women. (Classic patriarchy at work: caregiving is women's work, and so is managing the emotional climate of the family, so why does a male partner in a cisgender, heterosexual relationship need to bother?)
So I've been especially glad to see that more and more men are taking the workshop - and last time around we also had several couples participating together.
Elizabeth and Marshall are physical therapists who travel and work to pay off their student loan debt. They had a three-year-old, and then became unexpectedly pregnant - with twins!
Both Elizabeth and Marshall had fairly typical middle class childhoods...they had enough with out being rich, but underneath the veneer that 'everything's fine' lurked disconnection from parents, unexpressed anger, and mental illness - as well as the societal messages of getting out of debt and preparing for retirement.
Elizabeth had no idea she had anger issues until she became a parent. Suddenly she felt both anger and shame about her anger, not understanding that the anger was wrapped up in her childhood.
Since Elizabeth and Marshall have organized their entire lives around paying off their student loan debt, it was hard to commit to spending money on not just one but two enrollments in Taming Your Triggers. Up to that point, Elizabeth often felt she was the one doing the work and dragging Marshall along...but he saw how important this was to her, and went all-in alongside her.
They've noticed profound shifts in their capacity to be with their children - as well as with each other.
Elizabeth knows not just in her head but in her body that it's OK to be in uncomfortable situations and not fix everything immediately.
She talked with her mom about a shame-filled situation from her childhood that Elizabeth thought she would "take to her grave" - and now the issue doesn't impact her anymore.
Marshall is able to let go of problems that used to really bother him, and engages the children in using the concepts from the workshop.
They can work through the challenges they're facing, both as a couple and as parents. Their now have the space for conversations about their parenting values, instead of just reacting to the latest emergency.
Elizabeth wrote to me that it's taken a long time for her to realize that investing in parenting education is just as important as paying for good food. She's shifted her mindset by realizing that:
If you're a man reading this, we'd love to see you in the workshop. You won't be alone, and we may be able to create a men-only discussion space for you. (I know it can be hard to talk about things like anger issues with women around.)
If you're a woman in a cis-het partnership, you can absolutely participate alone - and you'll learn a LOT. Most people do it this way.
But you'll get even more out of it when you and your partner are on the same page. Marshall says:
Hear Elizabeth and Marshall describe the work they've been doing - and how it has helped - in this new episode.
Taming Your Triggers
Ever find yourself reacting to your partner's behavior or your child's actions in ways you wish you didn't?
You're not alone!
Many parents come to the Taming Your Triggers workshop hoping to manage their kids' behavior but quickly discover it's also about dealing with those partner-triggered moments!
Parents just like you are already signed up for a journey to a happier, calmer family life. This workshop could be the game-changer you've been waiting for!
Remember, you'll get the best results when you bring your partner along!
Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.
Jump to Highlights
01:20 Introducing today’s topic
01:47 Elizabeth and Marshall introduce themselves and their family
04:00 They talk about experiencing burnout from continuously helping others in their profession.
06:06 The couple discussed how their upbringing influenced their parenting style.
11:27 They shared about their experience with going through the Taming Your Triggers program together and how they decided to do it.
16:52 Marshall explains why parenting is hard for them
23:24 The couple talks about how parenting has improved over the past few months.
28:20 Elizabeth talks about how her perspective on her relationship with her mother changed.
Previous Episode
193: You don’t have to believe everything you think
In this short episode, I'm going to teach you a real, legit, bona fide magic trick. And unlike most magic tricks which rely on sleight of hand to convince you of something that has happened when it really hasn't, this one actually works. It helps you to see that things are not as bad as they seem, and that you can cope, even when things feel incredibly difficult and that you're failing as a parent. I asked four listeners to help me explain the concept to you, and how it has helped them, and one even went above and beyond and did a live demo for us! Then I walk you through it step by step, so you can use it when you need it later.
Taming Your Triggers
If you need help with your own big feelings about your child's behavior, join our Taming Your Triggers workshop. We’ll help you to: ✅ Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them ✅ Use new tools to find ways to meet both your needs and your children’s needs ✅ Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.Jump to Highlights
00:43 Introducing today’s topic 02:04 Words can influence our perceptions. 04:02 Anne shares three instances where questioning negative thoughts helped in avoiding unnecessary worry and misunderstandings. 09:46 Elizabeth, a Parenting Membership member for two years, highlights how Jen's advice, using the phrase "I am having the thought that...," helped her cope with a challenging parenting situation. 11:54 Melissa used self-compassion and questioning negative thoughts to find self-compassion and regain confidence. 13:11 Melissa highlights the core aspect of the "magic trick" by framing these thoughts as "I'm thinking" rather than absolute truths. 14:46 Jen calls listeners to try a mindful exercise where "I'm thinking that..." is added before self-judgments or judgments about others. 20:20 Adding "I'm thinking that..." before judgments can foster understanding, compassion, and better relationships, as demonstrated by Jen’s dishwasher experience. 25:07 Nicole shares how her meditation practice led her to explore the concept of not believing everything she thinks 27:47 Recognizing our perspective isn't the only truth can help us shift from self-centered thinking when hurt by someone. 28:36 The concept of not believing everything we think promotes a balanced perspective on our life stories.Other episodes referenced
141: The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
175: I’ll be me; can you be you?
SYPM 014: The power of healing in community
Reference
Loftus, E., & Palmer, J.C. (1974). Reconstruction of automobile destruction: An example of the interaction between language and memory. Journal of Verbal Learning and Verbal Behavior 13(5), 585-589.Next Episode
195: Raising Good Humans Every Day with Hunter Clarke-Fields
Hunter Clarke-Fields is back with us again! She's the author of Raising Good Humans, and now the new book Raising Good Humans Every Day (affiliate links).
Why does the world need two books with such similar titles? Are they even different?!
Yes, they are! Raising Good Humans Every Day is small! And short! And the chapters are short! Each one contains just one practice, described in a few pages.
If you've got five minutes you can read a chapter and then put the idea into practice immediately.
Use it, see some success, and get inspired for the next one.
Short, simple, and sweet. Can't beat that!
Hunter Clarke-Fields' books:
Raising Good Humans Every Day (affiliate links)
Jump to Highlights
00:43 Introducing Hunter Clarke-Fields
01:46 Hunter’s reasons for writing a second book with a title so much like their first one
03:29 Why controlling our children and have them control themselves doesn't work effectively
06:54 The need to shift from rewards and punishments to teaching and guiding children in understanding consequences and needs
09:18 The benefits of connection-based parenting
12:58 Reflecting on parenting experiences: gratitude and regrets
16:25 Exploring Hunter’s upbringing as a highly sensitive child
21:47 Navigating parenting a highly sensitive child with insights coming from Hunter’s own experiences
24:39 The importance of being authentic with children and openly sharing challenges as a parent
26:29 Parenting with heartfelt intention and presence
31:01 Embracing the importance of being present with children and practicing mindfulness in a fast-paced society
38:14 Asking for community support to be a better parent
42:24 Embracing a beginner's mind to counter judgment and remain open to possibilities
45:14 Wrapping up
Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive - 194: Regulating for the kids…and for your marriage
Transcript
Do you get tired of hearing the same old intros to podcast episodes? Me too. Hi, I'm not Jen. I'm Jessica and I'm in rural East Panama. Jen has just created a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes, and I got to test it out. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development, but puts it in context for you a
If you like this episode you’ll love
Episode Comments
Generate a badge
Get a badge for your website that links back to this episode
<a href="https://goodpods.com/podcasts/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting-ideas-to-help-79313/194-regulating-for-the-kidsand-for-your-marriage-34597544"> <img src="https://storage.googleapis.com/goodpods-images-bucket/badges/generic-badge-1.svg" alt="listen to 194: regulating for the kids…and for your marriage on goodpods" style="width: 225px" /> </a>
Copy