Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Jen Lumanlan

Parenting is hard...but does it have to be this hard? Wouldn’t it be better if your kids would stop pressing your buttons quite as often, and if there was a little more of you to go around (with maybe even some left over for yourself)? On the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, Jen Lumanlan M.S., M.Ed explores academic research on parenting and child development. But she doesn’t just tell you the results of the latest study - she interviews researchers at the top of their fields, and puts current information in the context of the decades of work that have come before it. An average episode reviews ~30 peer-reviewed sources, and analyzes how the research fits into our culture and values - she does all the work, so you don’t have to! Jen is the author of Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family - and the World (Sasquatch/Penguin Random House). The podcast draws on the ideas from the book to give you practical, realistic strategies to get beyond today’s whack-a-mole of issues. Your Parenting Mojo also offers workshops and memberships to give you more support in implementing the ideas you hear on the show. The single idea that underlies all of the episodes is that our behavior is our best attempt to meet our needs. Your Parenting Mojo will help you to see through the confusing messages your child’s behavior is sending so you can parent with confidence: You’ll go from: “I don’t want to yell at you!” to “I’ve got a plan.” New episodes are released every other week - there's content for parents who have a baby on the way through kids of middle school age. Start listening now by exploring the rich library of episodes on meltdowns, sibling conflicts, parental burnout, screen time, eating vegetables, communication with your child - and your partner... and much much more!

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SYPM 014: The power of healing in community

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

08/01/21 • 51 min

When you’re learning a new skill, information is critical. Without that, it’s very difficult to make any kind of meaningful change. But I see a parallel between learning new skills and respectful parenting: I like to say that love between parent and child is necessary but not sufficient - and that respect is the missing ingredient. With learning a new skill, knowledge is necessary - but not sufficient. And support is the missing ingredient. You might remember from our conversation with Dr. Chris Niebauer a while ago that our overactive left brains tend to make up stories about our experiences to integrate these experiences into the narratives we tell about ourselves. If we’re “the kind of person who triumphs through adversity,” a setback will be taken in stride. If we’re “the kind of person who has been hurt,” each new individual hurt makes much more of a mark. The new experiences have to be made to fit with the framework that’s already in place. Especially when you’re learning a skill related to difficult experiences you’ve had, your left brain wants to keep itself safe. It might tell you: “I don’t need to do this. Things aren’t that bad. I’ll just wait until later / tomorrow / next week.” And when that happens, you need support. That support can be from a great friend, although sometimes you don’t want even your closest friends to know that you shout at or smack your child. Therapy can be really helpful - but it’s also really expensive. Sometimes the thing that’s most helpful is someone who’s learning the tools alongside you (so they aren’t trying to look back and remember what it was like to be in your situation; theirs is different, but they are struggling too...) who isn’t a regular presence in your life. There’s no danger you’re going to run into them at the supermarket, or a kid’s birthday party. You can actually be really honest with them and know it won’t come and bite you in the butt. That’s what today’s guests, Marci and Elizabeth, discovered when they started working together. Separated by cultural differences, fourteen(!) time zones, and very different lives, they found common ground in their struggles and have developed a deep and lasting friendship. If you’d like to work on taming your triggered feelings - and get help from your own Accountabuddy in the process - the Taming Your Triggers workshop is for you. Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.

139: How to keep your child safe from guns (even if you don’t own one)

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

06/20/21 • 44 min

Many of us haven't been in each other's homes for a while now, but pretty soon we'll be getting together inside again. And our children will be heading inside, in their friends' houses. People store guns inside. Are you certain that nobody owns a gun in any of the places your child plays? If they do own a gun, are you certain they store it safely? If not, you need to ask. That's one issue we discuss in this interview with Dr. Nina Agrawal, a board-certified pediatrician who has expertise in violence against children. She co-founded the Gun Safety Committee for the American Academy of Pediatrics in New York State, and is leading the Gun Violence Prevention Task Force for the American Medical Women’s Association. Another issue is the gun violence that is primarily faced by children of color, which turns out to affect a far greater number of children. And how is this all linked to the Peloton recall? You'll have to listen in to find out... Jump to highlights here:

(01:00) Indoor playdates are ramping up...will your child be safe?
(02:29) Introducing Dr. Nina Agrawal, pediatrician and co-founder of the American Academy of Pediatrics' Gun Safety Committee in New York State
(02:58) Understanding how big is the scope of gun violence against children
(06:15) The Dickey Amendment: Explaining the massive lack of data and research on gun violence and safety
(11:24) The ways that gun violence affects children that we might not expect
(12:32) “I get woken up at night to the sound of gunshots.”
(17:09) The racial disparity in how children are affected by gun violence
(20:46) More people purchased guns in 2020, and there are more first-time owners too
(23:39) The statistical likelihood of children coming to harm if they live with a firearm in their household
(27:00) Just telling kids not to touch guns doesn't work (even if you think of your child as one who is 'sensible,' and you've talked with them about gun safety)
(30:45) The Asking Saves Kids Campaign helps to keep kids safer
(33:06) The surprising link between children involved in gun violence and the Peloton treadmill recall
(36:07) In American culture, banning all guns can't be the answer
(40:52) Effective Child Access Laws
(41:45) How to create safer environments for children through building communities

[accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Jen Lumanlan 00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Jen Lumanlan 00:06 We all want her children to lead fulfilling lives, but it can be so hard to keep up with the latest scientific research on child development and figure out whether and how to incorporate it into our own approach to parenting. Here at Your Parenting Mojo, I do the work for you by critically examining strategies and tools related to parenting and child development that are grounded in scientific research on principles of respectful parenting. If you'd like to be notified when new episodes are released, and get a free guide called 13 Reasons Why Your Child Won't Listen To You & What To Do About Each One, just head over to YourParentingMojo.com/SUBSCRIBE. You can also continue the conversation about the show with other listeners in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group. I do hope you'll join us. Jen Lumanlan 01:00 Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. And today we're going to discuss a topic that I think is about to come into parents' consciousness in a way that it really hasn't as much over the last year. And for some of us, that's a result of our privilege. And I was reflecting that as vaccinations for children become more available, we're probably going to start moving towards indoor play dates without parents being around because when my daughter went into when we went into sort of lockdown, she was young enough that she wasn't really doing playdates indoors with other people in anyone else's houses. And so I never really felt as though I needed to ask, "Are there guns in your house?" because I was always there to supervise. And so of course, over the last year, she's played with a lot of kids on our street, and they're always outside and I can always hear them. And so the danger doesn't seem to be there in the same way for me in those outdoor playdates scenarios. But of course, as vaccinations become available, and these things start to move inside, I don't know which of my friends has guns in their houses. And if I'm kind of uncomfortable asking about this, I'm guessing that a lot of parents haven't even thought about it and don't have it on their collective radar yet. So I wanted to bring that up into our consciousness before we actually need it. And then, of course, there's another issue here as well, that we're going to delve...

[Taking a Break]

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

11/11/19 • 7 min

I’m taking a hiatus from the show; in this episode I explain why and what you can do to help make sure it comes back strong in 2020!

Here’s the form to complete if you’re interested in learning more about the yet-to-be-named pilot membership to support children’s interest-led learning at home: https://forms.gle/GGKgdwaLkEfNfMA27

086: Playing to Win: How does playing sports impact children?

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

03/18/19 • 45 min

Individual sports or competitive? Recreational or organized? Everyone gets a trophy or just the winners? And why do sports in the first place? Granted there are some physical benefits, but don’t we also hope that our children will learn some kind of lessons about persistence and team work that will stand them in good stead in the future? In this interview with Dr. Hilary Levy Friedman we discuss her book Playing to Win: Raising Children in a Competitive Culture, the advantages that sports can confer on children (which might not be the ones you expect!), as well as what children themselves think about these issues. Read Full Transcript Jen: 01:23 Hello and welcome to today's episode of Your Parenting Mojo podcast, and today's episode actually comes to us courtesy of a question from my husband who said “You should really do an episode on the benefits of sports for children.” And I said, sure and I said about researching it and I actually stumbled on Dr. Hilary Levey Friedman’s book Playing to Win: Raising Children in a Competitive Culture, and I really got more than I bargained for with that book. Dr. Friedman has studied not just the advantages and drawbacks associated with participation in sport as an activity, but also much broader sociological issues like how participation in sports helped children to increase what she calls Competitive Kid Capital and can actually impact the child's academic and lifelong success. So, Dr. Friedman received her Bachelor's Degree from Harvard and Master’s in Philosophy from the University of Cambridge and a Ph.D. in Sociology from Princeton University. She's currently a Visiting Assistant Professor of Education at Brown University and is the mother of a preschooler and a first grader. Welcome Dr. Friedman. Dr. Friedman: 02:24 Thanks for having me. Jen: 02:25 You're right there in the thick of it with us. Dr. Friedman: 02:27 Yes. Jen: 02:29 So, I want to kind of start at the beginning or what seems like the beginning to me here because decades ago it seems as though it was far more common for children to engage in really unstructured outdoor playtime rather than organized sports. I'm curious as to your thoughts on what has shifted here and what do you think children are missing out by not having as much of this unstructured outdoor play? Dr. Friedman: 02:51 Well, it depends what time we're talking about. I mean if we’re talking about 200 years ago, I mean kids were working in the fields and 50 years after that, they were working in factories. So about a hundred years ago, 1918, we're seeing the formation of kids' athletic leagues in particular and also some other organized activities, but it's really more of like a popular myth or a misconception that kids use to spend all this time playing and having free time. The 1950s, which is that time we sort of pulled up is this Utopian time of kids playing in the streets and playing stickball and baseball and all of that is more the anomaly rather than the norm. So, today it is absolutely true that kids spend so much more time, especially, it depends on what age exactly we're talking about, but they spend a lot of time in organized play, not just in organized sports, but we just have to think about the ways in which that took a different shape historically in American childhood. Jen: 03:56 Yeah. Yeah. So, it's less that they were always able to engage in this unstructured play and whether that was sort of a phenomenon of its time just like the structured play as a phenomenon of its time today. Dr. Friedman: 04:07 Yes. Jen: 04:08 Do you think there are unique benefits associated with that unstructured time that maybe children are not able to realize today through the structured play that happens? Dr. Friedman: 04:17 Again, I think it depends on the age group we're talking about, so I'll limit it to elementary school aged kids just because that's the age group that Playing to Win focuses upon. So, I think certainly kids are working out all kinds of ideas, both intellectual but also social and moral when they play together and come up with their own games. Now, I don't think that having organized play is mutually exclusive to that either. So, I'll just give you one example in particular, part of Playing to Win is also about chess, not just about sports. And so I remember being at a chess summer camp for a few weeks and observing there and meeting families and the kids would play chess and then there'd be a recess time and then they'd play a little bit more chess and then have lunch and then have like a much longer period of recess and go out to a playground. And they came up with all these games that they invented on the playground and with pool noodles even though there wasn't a pool nearby and they had rules. It was very elaborate. So yes, they were spending time unstructured play as well, but they also had this space t...

140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

07/04/21 • 55 min

This episode kicks off a series on the intersection of parenting and food. We begin today with a conversation with Dr. Lindo Bacon, where we bust a LOT of myths about the obesity epidemic that is said to be plaguing people in the United States and other countries that follow a similar diet. The messaging we get from government entities seems pretty simple: being fat is bad for you. It causes increased risk for a host of diseases as well as early death. If you're fat, you should lose weight because then your risk of getting these diseases and dying early will be reduced. But what if this wasn't true? What if this messaging had been established by people who own companies that manufacture weight loss products who sit on panels that advise international governmental entities like the World Health Organization? What if body fat was actually protective for your health? We dig into all these questions and more in this provocative interview. We'll continue this series with episodes looking specifically at sugar, as well as supporting parents who have or continue to struggle with disordered eating, and how to support children in developing eating habits that will serve them for a lifetime, not just get the vegetables into them today. Jump to highlights:

(01:00) Introducing Dr. Lindo Bacon and starting our series of episodes on the intersection of parenting and food
(02:22) Stripping the word ‘fat’ of it’s pejorative meaning and reclaiming the term while acknowledging that it may be jarring for some people
(03:09) Kicking off the conversation with how we measure health using BMI and how it might not be accurate
(05:03) The resistance to Katherine Flegal’s seminal research in weight and longevity
(05:49) The development of the Body Mass Index was with scientific bias to fit the bell curve
(07:30) Higher body weight does not necessarily mean a person has greater risk of poor health
(10:59) We actually know that the research is highly exaggerated in terms on the role that it plays on health
(13:16) Dr. Bacon’s turning point: When they found out that BMI recommendations were created by an organization funded by pharmaceutical companies who produce weight loss drugs and products
(17:35) Taking the issue one step further with the American Medical Association’s recommendation whether to categorize obesity as a disease or not
(19:19) The Obesity Paradox is an observation in the research that people who are obese who get the same diseases as those with ‘normal’ weight are living longer
(21:15) The concept of dieting just doesn’t work according to the data
(30:33) A story of Dr. Bacon’s and their father’s knee problems
(34:40) Individual factors only accounts to 25% to somebody’s total health outcomes and social determinants account to about 60%
(42:05) It is cool right now to be your authentic self but not everyone can so easily be their authentic self when their authentic selves are not valued by society at large
(45:48) Improving the health of individuals is more communal than individual

Resource Links:

Health at Every Size, by Lindo Bacon
Body Respect: What Conventional Health Books Get Wrong, Leave Out, and Just Plain Fail to Understand about Weight, by Lindo Bacon and Lucy Aphramor
Radical Belonging: How to Survive and Thrive in an Unjust World (While Transforming it for the Better), by Lindo Bacon
Association For Size Diversity and Health

[accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Jen Lumanlan 00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. We all want her children to lead fulfilling lives, but it can be so hard to keep up with the latest scientific research on child development and figure out whether and how to incorporate it into our own approach to parenting. Here at Your Parenting Mojo, I do the work for you by critically examining strategies and tools related to parenting and child development that are grounded in scientific research and principles of respectful parenting. Jen Lumanlan 00:29 If you'd like to be notified when new episodes are released, and get a free guide called 13 Reasons Why Your Child Won't Listen...

[Looking back and looking ahead]

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

10/31/21 • 17 min

In this short episode I reflect on where we’ve been over the past year, my plans to slow down a bit at the end of the year (as well as a super exciting project I’m working on!), and what episodes we have lined up for the new year. In this episode I also mention something I haven’t done for a while, which is that it’s possible to donate to support the show. You might know that it takes 20-40 hours to do the research for each episode (although my record is about 80 hours for the show on Self-Reg, because the research was in such a mess and I had to check what I was reading with several developmental psychologists who tempered the claims of the person who created the concept of Self-Reg!). A core group of listeners (shout out to: Jacqueline B., Rebekah S., Elizabeth M., Kelsey B., Jessica S., Crystian M., Megan P., Alison O., and Cristin B.) have helped to sustain the show over the last months and years. If the show has helped you, would you consider making a donation to support it? You can now do this from any episode page. If a particular episode has given you an insight or a tool that resonated with you and/or your child, I’d be really grateful if you would make a one-time donation to acknowledge that, or consider a recurring donation to help me keep making more episodes for you. I know there’s always the temptation to say that “eh; I don’t have time right now and it probably doesn’t make that much of a difference and someone else will do it anyway.” And maybe they will, but as we all know, if everyone thinks like that then the work doesn’t get supported.... I mention in the episode that I’m writing a book! And the e-book will be available for a sliding scale price on this website, to help everyone who wants to read it be able to read it, no matter what their financial constraints. I also now make every course and membership I offer over a $100 threshold available with sliding scale pricing, and invite folks who can’t afford even the minimum price to get in touch to figure out a price that works for both of us. I’m doing everything I can to live my values to make my work available to as many people as possible. If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you would consider donating to support me in continuing to do this work. You can now donate from any episode page (including this week’s episode!). Just look for the Support Jen’s Work button on the right side. [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Jen Lumanlan 00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives. But it can be so hard to keep up with the latest scientific research on child development and figure out whether and how to incorporate it into our own approach to parenting. Here at Your Parenting Mojo, I do the work for you by critically examining strategies and tools related to parenting and child development that are grounded in scientific research and principles of respectful parenting. If you'd like to be notified when new episodes are released and get a free guide called 13 reasons why your child won't listen to you and what to do about each one, just head over to yourparentingmojo.com/subscribe. You can also continue the conversation about the show with other listeners in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group. I do hope you'll join us. Jen Lumanlan 00:56 Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. I just have a short episode lined up for you today with a few updates about the podcast and the Your Parenting Mojo world more broadly, we're coming to the end of what has been a pretty amazing year. I finally feel as though we have a really complete set of memberships and courses to help parents at all stages of their parenting journey. I run the Right From The Start course with Hannah and Kelty of upbringing to help expecting parents and those with a child under a year old to get it right from the start. And of course, we mean figuring out what's right for you and your family. We've had so many people sign up because they found that it's the only course for parents of very young children that doesn't focus entirely on the baby and instead looks at both babies and the parents needs and how to meet both of those as you negotiate your new relationship. That course has actually opened registration right now for a couple more days until midnight Pacific on November 3rd. Later on, the parenting membership helps parents who are struggling with their child's behavior to understand what's going on when their child is resisting them and what to do about it. Not just by changing their child's behavior, but by meeting their child's needs and also meeting their needs. Then we cover every other topic that parents want to know about from raising healthy eaters to screentime to supporting anxious children. If the parents are finding they're having a hard time ...

SYPM 020: Preparing for the afterbirth with Renee Reina

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

04/04/22 • 43 min

I don’t know about you, but I spent a LOT of time thinking about my birth plan before Carys was born. I mean, that thing went through multiple iterations as I read new books about the birth process and thought about what I wanted mine to be like. And I got lucky; we didn’t stray too far from the plan (except that that whole ‘urge to push’ thing? Well I never felt that. It seemed like she was quite happy where she was. Perhaps that explains why she enjoys being wrapped in fluffy blankets so much?) So I put all this effort into what the Big Day would be like, and practically zero into what life would be like afterward. I mean, we got the nursery ready without realizing that she wasn’t going to spend any time in it at all for the first three months. And the whole visitors thing - well that didn’t even cross my mind. I guess I just assumed that people would come and visit, because that’s what people do after you have a baby. But most of the time I didn’t want visitors! I spent a good chunk of the first 10 days in tears. (In fact my husband and I had a mini-celebration at bedtime on the 10th day because it was the first time I hadn’t cried since she was born.) Sometimes I was able to get dressed and greet people...other times I was curled up in bed crying while my husband did the entertaining. The idea of saying “no visitors yet please” simply didn’t cross my mind. That’s what we discuss in today’s episode with Renee Reina of The Mom Room. She was lucky enough to have her Mom living close by when she had her baby, who became her gatekeeper - friends and family would check in with Renee’s Mom before coming over. Renee was able to create the calm, peaceful environment at home that she wanted to bring baby into - and re-engage with the world on her own terms, when she was ready. In this episode we talk about how to make those early days of motherhood work for you and your family - no matter what social conventions say are the right things to do. Those first weeks at home may be the hardest you’ll ever experience If you’re expecting a baby or have one under the age of one, the Right From The Start course is here to help. I run it with the amazing Hannah and Kelty of Upbringing, who bring a whole lot of expertise and training on respectful parenting, along with expertise on raising siblings and ‘spirited’ children, in addition to the scientific research on these topics that you expect from me. In the course we’ll give you concrete strategies to:

Get the essential sleep you (all) need
Create a secure attachment & navigate big feelings
Support gross motor development & independent play (freeing up time for you!)
Prepare for and thrive with siblings
And so much more!

Parents who have taken the course tell us that there’s nothing else like it available: this is the only course that helps you support baby’s development, while holding your needs as equally important, and helping you to meet these as well. Click the image to learn more about Right From The Start. Jump to highlights 01:36 Introduction of episode 06:37 What was birth like for Renee 13:14 How was it like to navigate people who want to see the baby 21:10 Renee’s routine in taking care of the baby 29:22 White supremacy and capitalism 30:42 Maternal gatekeeping 31:28 Murder tendencies during postpartum 38:26 Advice for parent afterbirth 41:47 Realization during the episode [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Jen Lumanlan 00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives, but it can be Jenny 00:09 so do you get tired of hearing the same old interest in podcast episodes? I don't really But Jen thinks you might. I'm Jenny, a listener from Los Angeles, testing out a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development, but puts it in context for you as well. So you can decide whether and how to use this new information. I listen because parenting can be scary and it's reassuring to know what the experts think. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox along with a free infographic on 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one. Sign up at YourParentingMojo.com/subscribe. You can also join the free Facebook group to continue the conversation. Over time you might get sick of hearing me read this intro so come and record one yourself. You can read from a script gents provided or have some real fun with it and write your own. Just go to your parenting mojo.com forward slash record the intro. I can't wait to hear yours. Jen Lumanlan 01:26 Hello and wel...

193: You don’t have to believe everything you think

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

10/02/23 • 39 min

In this short episode, I'm going to teach you a real, legit, bona fide magic trick. And unlike most magic tricks which rely on sleight of hand to convince you of something that has happened when it really hasn't, this one actually works. It helps you to see that things are not as bad as they seem, and that you can cope, even when things feel incredibly difficult and that you're failing as a parent. I asked four listeners to help me explain the concept to you, and how it has helped them, and one even went above and beyond and did a live demo for us! Then I walk you through it step by step, so you can use it when you need it later.

Taming Your Triggers

If you need help with your own big feelings about your child's behavior, join our Taming Your Triggers workshop. We’ll help you to: ✅ Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them ✅ Use new tools to find ways to meet both your needs and your children’s needs ✅ Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered Sign up for the waitlist and we'll let you know once enrollment re-opens. Click the image below to learn more.

Jump to Highlights

00:43 Introducing today’s topic 02:04 Words can influence our perceptions. 04:02 Anne shares three instances where questioning negative thoughts helped in avoiding unnecessary worry and misunderstandings. 09:46 Elizabeth, a Parenting Membership member for two years, highlights how Jen's advice, using the phrase "I am having the thought that...," helped her cope with a challenging parenting situation. 11:54 Melissa used self-compassion and questioning negative thoughts to find self-compassion and regain confidence. 13:11 Melissa highlights the core aspect of the "magic trick" by framing these thoughts as "I'm thinking" rather than absolute truths. 14:46 Jen calls listeners to try a mindful exercise where "I'm thinking that..." is added before self-judgments or judgments about others. 20:20 Adding "I'm thinking that..." before judgments can foster understanding, compassion, and better relationships, as demonstrated by Jen’s dishwasher experience. 25:07 Nicole shares how her meditation practice led her to explore the concept of not believing everything she thinks 27:47 Recognizing our perspective isn't the only truth can help us shift from self-centered thinking when hurt by someone. 28:36 The concept of not believing everything we think promotes a balanced perspective on our life stories.

Other episodes referenced

113: No Self, No Problem

141: The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

175: I’ll be me; can you be you?

SYPM 014: The power of healing in community

Reference

Loftus, E., & Palmer, J.C. (1974). Reconstruction of automobile destruction: An example of the interaction between language and memory. Journal of Verbal Learning and Verbal Behavior 13(5), 585-589.

194: Regulating for the kids…and for your marriage

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

10/09/23 • 58 min

Do you ever feel triggered by your partner's behavior?

(No? Just me? 😬)

Many parents who join the Taming Your Triggers workshop sign up for help navigating their children's behavior...and then once they're inside they confess that their partner's behavior is even more triggering than their child's.

As you might imagine, many of the participants in the Taming Your Triggers workshop are women. (Classic patriarchy at work: caregiving is women's work, and so is managing the emotional climate of the family, so why does a male partner in a cisgender, heterosexual relationship need to bother?)

So I've been especially glad to see that more and more men are taking the workshop - and last time around we also had several couples participating together.

Elizabeth and Marshall are physical therapists who travel and work to pay off their student loan debt. They had a three-year-old, and then became unexpectedly pregnant - with twins!

Both Elizabeth and Marshall had fairly typical middle class childhoods...they had enough with out being rich, but underneath the veneer that 'everything's fine' lurked disconnection from parents, unexpressed anger, and mental illness - as well as the societal messages of getting out of debt and preparing for retirement.

Elizabeth had no idea she had anger issues until she became a parent. Suddenly she felt both anger and shame about her anger, not understanding that the anger was wrapped up in her childhood.

Since Elizabeth and Marshall have organized their entire lives around paying off their student loan debt, it was hard to commit to spending money on not just one but two enrollments in Taming Your Triggers. Up to that point, Elizabeth often felt she was the one doing the work and dragging Marshall along...but he saw how important this was to her, and went all-in alongside her.

They've noticed profound shifts in their capacity to be with their children - as well as with each other.

Elizabeth knows not just in her head but in her body that it's OK to be in uncomfortable situations and not fix everything immediately.

She talked with her mom about a shame-filled situation from her childhood that Elizabeth thought she would "take to her grave" - and now the issue doesn't impact her anymore.

Marshall is able to let go of problems that used to really bother him, and engages the children in using the concepts from the workshop.

They can work through the challenges they're facing, both as a couple and as parents. Their now have the space for conversations about their parenting values, instead of just reacting to the latest emergency.

Elizabeth wrote to me that it's taken a long time for her to realize that investing in parenting education is just as important as paying for good food. She's shifted her mindset by realizing that:

If you're a man reading this, we'd love to see you in the workshop. You won't be alone, and we may be able to create a men-only discussion space for you. (I know it can be hard to talk about things like anger issues with women around.)

If you're a woman in a cis-het partnership, you can absolutely participate alone - and you'll learn a LOT. Most people do it this way.

But you'll get even more out of it when you and your partner are on the same page. Marshall says:

Hear Elizabeth and Marshall describe the work they've been doing - and how it has helped - in this new episode.

Taming Your Triggers

Ever find yourself reacting to your partner's behavior or your child's actions in ways you wish you didn't?

You're not alone!

Many parents come to the Taming Your Triggers workshop hoping to manage their kids' behavior but quickly discover it's also about dealing with those partner-triggered moments!

Parents just like you are already signed up for a journey to a happier, calmer family life. This workshop could be the game-changer you've been waiting for!

Remember, you'll get the best results when you bring your partner along!

Jump to Highlights

01:20 Introducing today’s topic

01:47 Elizabeth and Marshall introduce themselves and their family

04:00 They talk about experiencing burnout from continuously helping others in their profession.

06:06 The couple discussed how their upbringing influenced their parenting style.

11:27 They shared about their experience with going through the Taming Your Triggers program together and how they decided to do it.

16:52 Marshall explains why parenting is hard for them

23:24 The couple talks about how parenting has improved over the past few months.

28:20 Elizabeth talks about how her perspective on her relationship with her mother changed.

092: Fathers’ unique role in parenting

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

06/10/19 • 57 min

This episode began out of a query that I see repeated endlessly in online parenting groups: “My child has a really strong preference for me. They get on great with the other parent (usually the father, in a heterosexual relationship) when I’m not around, but when I’m there it’s all “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” This is destroying my partner; how can we get through this stage?” So that’s where I began the research on this question, and it led me down quite a rabbit hole – I’d never thought too much about whether mothers and fathers fulfill unique roles in a child’s development and while it isn’t necessarily as prescriptive as “the mother provides... and the father provides... ,” in many families these roles do occur and this helps to explain why children prefer one parent over another. (we also touch on how this plays out in families where both parents are of the same gender). My guest for this episode is Dr. Diana Coyl-Shepheard, Professor at California State University Chico, whose research focuses on children’s social and emotional development and relationships with their fathers.

Parenting Membership

If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out. Click the banner to learn more and join the waitlist! Click the “Send Voicemail” button on the right >>> to record your message for the 100th episode: it can be a question, a comment, or anything else you like! Read Full Transcript (Introduction added after the episode was recorded and transcribed): Before we get started with today’s episode on the unique role of fathers in children’s development, as well as why children prefer one parent over another, I wanted to let you know about three super cool things that I’m working on you. The first is about my membership group, which is called Finding Your Parenting Mojo. I don’t mention the group a lot on the show because I don’t like over-selling, but a listener who was in the group the last time I opened it to new members told me she actually didn’t know I had a membership group, so I’m going to tell you a bit more about it this time around! The group is for parents who are on board with the ideas you hear about on the podcast based in scientific research and principles of respectful parenting, but struggle to put them into practice in real life. So if you find yourself nodding along and saying yep; I agree with the whole ‘no rewards and punishments’ thing and I’m on board with working with my child to solve the problems we have, and I really want to relax a bit around my child’s eating, but on the other hand you’re thinking: but rewarding with story time is the only way I can get my child to brush their flipping teeth, and how do I even get started with working with my child to solve problems? And if I ever did relax around my child’s eating then all they would eat is goldfish and gummy bears, then the group is for you. We spend a month digging into each issue that parents face – from tantrums to figuring out your goals as a parent and for your child to getting on the same page as your partner (and knowing when it’s OK to have different approaches!)...raising healthy eaters to navigating screen time and supporting sibling relationships; we cover it all. I’ll open the group to new members in July, and it closes at the end of July and on August 1st we start digging into our first topic, which is reducing the number of tantrums you’re experiencing. The cost for the group is $39/month this time around which is locked in for as long as you’re a member - I increased the price from last time, and I may increase it again next time the group reopens. Or if you sign up before July 18th, you can pay for 10 months and get the last two months of the year free. If you’d like to learn more about joining the membership group you can do that at yourparentingmojo.com/membership – the doors will open on July 1st. So that’s the deal with the group. The second cool thing I’m working on is something to give you a taste of what it will be like to be in the group. I’ve heard a lot of parents talking about how their children’s behavior really “triggers” them, and I was going to do a podcast episode on this and then I realized that this is especially one of those topics that you can’t just listen to and expect a change to happen; but if you’re willing to do a bit of work, that you can see enormous payoffs. So I thought OK; how can I really make the greatest impact possible with this work? And I decided to put together a nine-day online workshop to walk you through it. So if you go to yourparentingmojo.com/tameyourtriggers and sign up, staring on July 8th you’ll receive an email from me on ...

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FAQ

How many episodes does Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive have?

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive currently has 284 episodes available.

What topics does Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive cover?

The podcast is about Parenting, Kids & Family, Podcasts and Education.

What is the most popular episode on Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive?

The episode title '114: How to stop ‘Othering’ and instead ‘Build Belonging’' is the most popular.

What is the average episode length on Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive?

The average episode length on Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive is 49 minutes.

How often are episodes of Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive released?

Episodes of Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive are typically released every 13 days, 4 hours.

When was the first episode of Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive?

The first episode of Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive was released on Aug 15, 2016.

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Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Jen Lumanlan

Top 10 Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive Episodes

Taming Your Triggers

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Other episodes referenced

Reference

Taming Your Triggers

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Parenting Membership

FAQ

How many episodes does Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive have?

What topics does Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive cover?

What is the most popular episode on Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive?

What is the average episode length on Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive?

How often are episodes of Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive released?

When was the first episode of Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive?

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