You Go First - On Repairing Important Relationships

10/12/21 • 15 min

1 Listener

Retrying, repairing or restoring broken relationships with parents, children or close friends is difficult. But given the importance of these connections in our lives, try we must. The question is, why should we and how do we? In this episode, Rob explains how he developed loving, good relationships with his birth mother after being abandoned by her when he was two, and his father after a cold patch emerged.

WHAT WE TALK ABOUT

Important relationships are worth more than anything else
Life satisfaction research
The role of close relationships
Friendships are dynamic over time
Quote: “Relationships are a living thing”
The commonality of relationship fractures
Giving and receiving love is central to life
Silence eats away those involved
Even if it’s not your fault
Time is a healer
Quote: “Time heals many wounds, and can change minds.”
Nothing stays the same
Carrying heavy, unnecessary burdens
The story of my birth mother - making contact after 35 years
The key is this: you go first
Having reasonable expectations
Taking it slow
Watch and see what happens
What to do if you get a negative response
Making some effort can soften hard hearts
The value of important relationships
Investing time and energy moving towards the other person
Free online chat/session www.robbialostocki.com

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO YOUR LIFE

Don’t focus on the problems, focus on the possibilities.
Don’t focus on the injustices, focus on interest.
Don’t focus on expecting, focus on accepting.
Take one step towards the other person.
Enquire, don’t require.
Keep it short
Be kind.
Repeat.

WHAT WE TALK ABOUT

Important relationships are worth more than anything else
Life satisfaction research
The role of close relationships
Friendships are dynamic over time
Quote: “Relationships are a living thing”
The commonality of relationship fractures
Giving and receiving love is central to life
Silence eats away those involved
Even if it’s not your fault
Time is a healer
Quote: “Time heals many wounds, and can change minds.”
Nothing stays the same
Carrying heavy, unnecessary burdens
The story of my birth mother - making contact after 35 years
The key is this: you go first
Having reasonable expectations
Taking it slow
Watch and see what happens
What to do if you get a negative response
Making some effort can soften hard hearts
The value of important relationships
Investing time and energy moving towards the other person
Free online chat/session www.robbialostocki.com

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO YOUR LIFE

Don’t focus on the problems, focus on the possibilities.
Don’t focus on the injustices, focus on interest.
Don’t focus on expecting, focus on accepting.
Take one step towards the other person.
Enquire, don’t require.
Keep it short
Be kind.
Repeat.

Previous Episode

How to Find the Real You

1 Recommendations

INTRO

We bring our best to the world when we bring our true selves and our own magic. But for many, that is a distinct dream as they labour under layers of unhelpful ideas, expectations and opinions. In short, they’re not being real. In this episode, we explore why this happens and how to let the true you emerge more fully out into the light of day.

WHAT WE TALK ABOUT

Meditation and its benefits
No gurus, incense or weird stuff required
Feeling like there’s a real you somewhere deep down
Most of our experience is layers of sensation and belief
We act according to your beliefs
Practising paying focused attention to the moment
Breath, sound, sights, sensations, aches, busy mind
Meditation enables you to realise the layers upon you
There is much we carry that we simply don’t need to
Finding yourself isn’t external
Taking off layers of ideas, expectations and habits
It’s like a pile of blankets on top of you
Taking them off reveals the true you
Saying ‘no’ or ‘no longer!’
‘I do not want that anymore.’
We accumulate layers from our parents, friends, the media, the church…
Claustrophobic relationships
Financial hopeless
Stuck in a life-sucking job
Doubting long-held religious faith
The real you emerges from underneath all the layers.

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO YOUR LIFE

The sense you have is okay, it’s proof of life.

Give voice to it by writing down your thoughts, concerns and questions. Get them out of your head and onto paper.
Decide whether an item either helps or hinders. Categorise your thoughts and feelings to discern their value. Not everything is valuable.
Give yourself permission to say no. Or say, I no longer do this. Clear space for yourself by taking things off the table. Talk to them. Reject them.
Do some self-enquiry - ask yourself a few critical questions. Ask with your head, but listen with your heart. What is surfacing? Take note of it. Spend time fleshing it out. What does it mean? Why is it important? What would it mean for you? Questions like:
1. What do I really want from now on?
2. Who do I truly want to be?
3. What do I genuinely enjoy doing?

Keep exploring this until further clarity comes.

Take initial actions on things you believe are central to the real you.

Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/wisdomcafe)

Next Episode

Nothing is Set in Stone

Our lives are filled with possibilities and yet we often forget that nothing is set in stone. We can make changes to areas of our life that just don’t work anymore. In this episode, Rob discusses the kinds of changes that people who want a better life have made.

WHAT WE TALK ABOUT

The newness of Spring
Nothing is set in stone
We act as if things are unchangeable
From here on, everything is up for grabs
Relationships, work, religion, lifestyle can all be changed
Stop acting like you don’t have a choice
Video: Julia Sweeney - Letting Go of God
Changing your industry
Looking for what gives you life again
Feeling stuck may be due to fear
Fear of the unknown, making a mistake or taking full responsibility.
Who is telling you you cannot change?
You have options.
Yes, perseverance is good but…
Don’t keep waiting on the dance floor alone.
Old friendships that have changed.
Minimalism brings clarity and simplicity.
There is more life, love, and experience to come.
Give yourself permission to change.
Embrace the journey.

HOW TO USE THIS IN YOUR LIFE

Take some time to review your life.
Think about areas like work, love, friendships, activities, lifestyle, beliefs, and so on.
Identify any area that isn’t working for you anymore.
Don’t spend too much time analyzing it.
Instead, try to imagine what you do want instead.
Compare that to what you’re currently experiencing.
If there’s a significant enough gap, start to deconstruct your notions about that area.
Strip away all the parts you don’t want.
Give yourself permission to change it.
Take a step towards what you want instead. Do something to make it happen.