True North with Abby & Ryan - Trust and Soap Boxes

Trust and Soap Boxes

Explicit content warning

01/31/22 • 78 min

True North with Abby & Ryan

What is trust, really? In the first 20 minutes, we settle on this loose definition:

Trust is about safety. You know what needs to be put in place for you to feel safe.
If you feel the need to put them in place yourself (because if you don't, you won't be safe), that's the antithesis of you trusting someone.
If you believe the other person will/has put those things in place on their own (such that you don't feel the need to do it yourself), that equals you trusting them.

Where do you place your trust, and why do you place it there?
Reasons Ryan has extended trust in the past (which isn't the same as trusting them):

Conflict aversion. If I tell someone I don't trust them, they'll take it as me questioning their character, may become offended, and might hurt me. So I've extended trust to people I didn't trust, to avoid conflict.
Outsourcing self. I know that I'm not trustworthy my default. Just like love, respect, value affirmation, etc., if I find something lacking within myself, I look for others to affirm it for me. I wanted people to trust me to compensate for my lack of trustworthiness, and the best way to get trust is to give it.

One component of Tribalism is Implied Trust - meaning, it can be assumed that anyone in a given tribe has a certain set of things in common. So, if you vet people's trustworthiness based on certain characteristics, and you find they belong to a certain tribe, that one piece of information implies a whole collection of boxes you could reasonably check in the "do I trust them" checklist (i.e. if you're in my tribe, I find you more trustworthy because it's assumed that the characteristics of people in my tribe are things I've found trustworthy).
When someone knows you well and loves you well, it doesn't occur to them to get offended at the prospect of you being who you are.

If they love you well but don't know you well, they love a nonexistent version of you that only exists in their head, such that the idea of being your true self can seem like a threat to the relationship.
If they know you well but don't love you well, they likely harbor some level of attachment to you becoming the version of you they imagine they would love more.

TIME CODES:
13:17 - Why Ryan extends trust
24:00 - Tribalism and Trust
29:19 - Trust yourself most
42:04 - How is success in relationship defined? (spoiler, it's not longevity)
45:04 - ANNOUNCEMENT: This is our last season!
57:18 - Ryan epiphanizes the idea of extending too much benefit of the doubt
GRATITUDES:

Ryan is grateful for the editor/illustrator who worked on his first book with him.
Abby is grateful her dogs, for teaching her patience and empathy, and also for giving her a new form of connective stillness practice.

MODEETS:

Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
Catch Ryan on TikTok at @the_holistic_mystic
Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
Email us at [email protected]
Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🤦‍♂️🤷‍♀️🥔

What is trust, really? In the first 20 minutes, we settle on this loose definition:

Trust is about safety. You know what needs to be put in place for you to feel safe.
If you feel the need to put them in place yourself (because if you don't, you won't be safe), that's the antithesis of you trusting someone.
If you believe the other person will/has put those things in place on their own (such that you don't feel the need to do it yourself), that equals you trusting them.

Where do you place your trust, and why do you place it there?
Reasons Ryan has extended trust in the past (which isn't the same as trusting them):

Conflict aversion. If I tell someone I don't trust them, they'll take it as me questioning their character, may become offended, and might hurt me. So I've extended trust to people I didn't trust, to avoid conflict.
Outsourcing self. I know that I'm not trustworthy my default. Just like love, respect, value affirmation, etc., if I find something lacking within myself, I look for others to affirm it for me. I wanted people to trust me to compensate for my lack of trustworthiness, and the best way to get trust is to give it.

If they love you well but don't know you well, they love a nonexistent version of you that only exists in their head, such that the idea of being your true self can seem like a threat to the relationship.
If they know you well but don't love you well, they likely harbor some level of attachment to you becoming the version of you they imagine they would love more.

Ryan is grateful for the editor/illustrator who worked on his first book with him.
Abby is grateful her dogs, for teaching her patience and empathy, and also for giving her a new form of connective stillness practice.

MODEETS:

Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
Catch Ryan on TikTok at @the_holistic_mystic
Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
Email us at [email protected]
Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🤦‍♂️🤷‍♀️🥔

Previous Episode

Is Accidental Growth A Thing?

Do you ever notice that you seem to have done personal growth that you have no recollection of actually doing on purpose? Abby says no. Hah. It's more probable your values shifted and you just care less now about things you cared a lot about before.
Then we talk about a bunch of other stuff. Just listen to the episode and you'll get it all. Why do you even read these??
TIME CODES:
3:13 - Accidental Growth?
14:48 - Awareness
20:28 - Solitude
39:35 - Updating our Paradigms
49:00 - Love yourself the way you love your kids
GRATITUDES:

Abby is grateful for her recent opportunity to connect with her snowbird parents.
Ryan is grateful for a conversation he and Abby recently had about the future of the podcast.

MODEETS:

Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
Catch Ryan on TikTok at @the_holistic_mystic
Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
Email us at [email protected]
Stalk us at truenorth11.com

📝📦

Next Episode

Abby & Ryan Are Woo Woo AF

**SORRY FOR RYAN'S WEIRD SOUND QUALITY**
Ryan is hung-up on people perceiving him as credible, and is therefore hesitant to openly admit to how woo-woo he is. His concern is that there are people out there who blindly trust in things with no solid reason, and so when he opens up about trusting them as well, he'll be lumped in with the non-critical thinking masses who will believe unfounded things with very little scrutiny or need for compelling evidence.

He does energy healing but is skeptical of Reiki practitioners
He uses crystals but distances himself from the "crystal people"
He uses essential oils but hates when people treat them like cure-alls and replacements for medical care
He's open to astrology but thinks horoscopes are bullshit
He actively manifests but hates The Secret and dismisses the Law of Attraction people
He reads Tarot but is skeptical of most Tarot practitioners
He uses numerology but judges others and himself for giving it any credence at all
He doesn't not believe in reincarnation, but definitely doesn't put stock in any existing belief system about reincarnation

Basically, he believes in woo-woo stuff only after throwing all the skepticism and scrutiny he possibly can at it, and seeing that it still stands. AND, he only trusts other people who also meet the spiritual with heavy doses of skepticism. In this episode, we unpack that.
And then we also talk about manifesting.

TIME CODES:
22:39 - Manifesting
39:29 - The realities we live in are the ones we create
44:20 - Health and unhealth as consequences of the mind
GRATITUDES:

Ryan is grateful that this recent snowstorm gave his toddler a much needed change of scenery.
Abby is grateful that this recent snowstorm has reminded her (through her son) about the value of simplicity.

MODEETS: