057_Shame & Authenticity

09/13/21 • 34 min

What keeps us from staying present in the actuality of what’s happening, moment to moment?
In today’s episode we’re talking about shame and recognizing it for what it is — a program in our mind which discounts the actuality of our current experience, because of beliefs we’ve adopted that tell us what make us worthy of love, acceptance and the right to be who we are right here and now.
Shame is always sponsored by a ‘should.’ Have you noticed? This should have gone like that our I should have acted differently, etc. ‘Should’ is never in present tense. It is based in belief in cultural norms.
Shame comes when we belief that something is wrong with us. We’ve bought into what those around us have told us is the right way to be and we feel like we’re not making the grade.
It comes down to how we’ve been indoctrinated, and much we’ve internalized that indoctrination.
Something happens, and rather than accept it and keep moving, we pull our energy inward and withdraw from honest participation in the moment because of a feeling of unworthiness.
We personalize it as something that says something about our value and lovability.
So shame is something we’re all familiar with, right? It seems immediate, yes? But it is really secondary to the beliefs we have about who we are supposed to be versus who we really are — moment to moment. Shame is the feeling that tells us that we are out of sync with the truth of who we are as love. It is based in fear.
The fear is that if we’re vulnerable and honest with another, they can use that truth as a weapon against us. But it is only harmful if we still believe that the truth can hurt us.
Shame requires secrecy to keep it in tact.
When we feel shame arise, we can see it as an invitation to examine the beliefs we are harboring, reevaluate, and rather than withdraw into ourselves, we can express the feelings, the thoughts, the beliefs that are choking us up, moving the energy along so we can see that what’s happening is not actually personal.
Shame makes us afraid to be ourselves. But the crazy thing is that if we are out loud about what we’re experiencing, it brings us present and we actually create a new base from which we operate — one of authentic vulnerability and personal power.
The secret to dissolving shame is being willing to be vulnerable and honest when we want to withdraw and hold back from engaging.
What we find is that as soon as share what what we want to keep secret — what we’re feeling and thinking —with another human being we realize it is us that has been giving shame all the power to cut us off from the human race.
You can’t be authentically yourself and hold onto your shame for long. Because when you’re being authentic, you’re just being yourself in that moment.
For example, I might be thinking/ feeling, “shit I’m ashamed I didn’t know this sooner.” But the second I say, “I’m feeling ashamed I didn’t know this sooner,” the feeling changes. As soon as I disclose what I’m thinking and feeling— as soon as I take that hot feeling inside and breath it through with my words, with my connection with another human being, love rises up with that sharing and I instantly have an new experience of myself — one that is real and powerful with self-ownership. Not only does it make me feel differently about myself, it offers the other person a chance to experience empathy and connection on a new level.
Being honest about our shame when it arises takes the charge out of it. Authenticity is the great connector. Sharing the truth of our own experience is the only chance we have of being truly present and connected with someone else. When I’m owning my feelings, my perspective, I am simultaneously allowing you yours. This connects us in our humanness and love has a chance to take the lead.

Previous Episode

056_Inevitability & Present Moment Choices

Okay first off —get this out of the way ... We experimented with using video this time around and uhm, the video didn’t take. Ultimately we decided that what feels yummy, for now, is to stay with our regular format for the podcast.
In today’s podcast episode we’re talking about accepting life exactly as it is and what part we play in making legit choices while still accepting the inevitability that what life is bringing us as part of our particular life path.
When faced with a ‘big scare’ like COVID or cancer, the tendency is to lead with fear — to compulsively look for data that will appease the feeling of powerlessness we have. We think the ‘right’ data will mitigate the fears we have. Our mind’s can go crazy looking for data -who’s right and who’s wrong.
But what’s underneath all of that is the fear of death... The fear of lack of control...
The truth is, we have no control. And we all have a terminal condition. It’s called life. We’re all going to die.
Ultimately that’s the biggie. We’re afraid of dying. Yet it is, like the saying goes, inevitable. We’re all going to die. We all have a terminal condition. When death comes, it comes. It could be a freak accident or an undiagnosed illness or a heart attack ... And whether we want to believe it or not, there is nothing we can do to prevent its coming.
Will we be ready? Not if we’re constantly leaving the present moment in fear of fantasies of future disasters we’re trying to stave off.
Our minds spin stories of future what-if’s. And we leave the presence of our own being in the current moment we’re in — the only moment that is actually accurate.
Now is the only moment that can give us honest data — our own experience.
This dynamic is the same conversation with life we’re always presented with. I’m not saying we don’t gather information so that we can come to a place where we have clarity of mind. Maybe follow controls — but not out of fear, but from a place of self-love. What feels like the most loving things for us to do right now.
The key for me is where am doing life from. Am I reacting to circumstances or am I flowing with life — accepting what is, because that’s what is, and making present moment decisions that feel ‘right’ and ‘true’ for me? If I’m reacting in fear, it controls my choice. But by accepting the actuality of what’s happening, I can make choices that feel most loving for me. And the wild thing is, is that that’s always the best way I can serve my fellow beings.
There’s so much we don’t know. But what we do know, is the knowing of our own experience. And it’s never going to lie to us. We can get all the data we need for right now — by presencing ourselves in the moment we’re in.
It just takes a moment — take a breath and presence yourself in the moment. Once you have your own presence you can choose what feels most loving — what feels yummy — right now.
We make choices that feel more life-giving in the moment.
Can we let go of everything we think is wrong or we fear in right now, and come back home to ourselves — back to the yummy space inside? Yes!

Next Episode

058_What is success?

In today’s episode we’re talking about what our criteria for success is, and how that effects our present moment happiness.
When we compare how we see our lives to how we see the lives of the icons we revere, we are bound to come up short.
The truth is, we only have our perception of what their life is like. And perception is a fickle thing, depending on our own personal filters and mental programming.
This is why it is so important to question what we believe and why we set the standards we do for ourselves.
What is your definition of success?
What standards have you subscribe to, whether consciously or unconsciously?
Where did you get that idea?
Who are the icons you want or try to emulate?
How much do you compare yourself to those icons you revere?
Do you feel less compared to them? What do you believe reaching that iconic state will give you?
Do you have your happiness tied to achieving that future state or end product?
Are you trading your present joy for some promised outcome by the so-called experts in your preferred field?
What is it about being rich or famous or put on a pedestal in our field, that makes us want to ‘be like that’?
We can only be ourselves anyway. Wishing it were different only causes internal stress.
We always know if we’re being true to ourselves, or trying to be something we’re not in the hopes that down the road we’ll like ourselves better, by the way we feel. Right?
Here at THE YUMMY WAY we call that our ‘yummy-stat’. —That internal barometer that guides us toward our true north in our individual lives.
Knowing and embracing your own way of doing things — delighting in what brings you joy is crucial to enjoying the journey, moment to moment. It’s what keeps life exciting and personally rewarding as we go along.
Sure make goals. But don’t have your idea of success tied to outcomes. Don’t let what someone else’s life looks like on the outside determine how you measure your success or happiness.
It never works.
Externals never make us happy.
Reaching a goal feels good. By it isn’t the acquisition of the goal that gives us happiness. Contrary to what we’ve been told.
Happiness is our natural state. When we’re striving we’re in stress. When we stop striving, the relief to our system is palpable. It feels good. We feel happy. That is until our ego or success-progamming tells us that’s not enough and sends us on another quest for more. Yes?
This moment is truly all we have to work with. Regardless of what we believe. Have you ever lived in any moment but the one you are in? No.
It’s all in how we’re looking at life.
Is ife happening to you? Or is life happening for you?
When you look at life as a gift — like whatever comes your way is ‘for’ you to be happy, it changes the way you make choices.
Making the moment to moment choice to love and accept ‘what is’ wholeheartedly and choose to find the joy in it, is my definition of a successful life.
Isn’t the reason you want that money, that fame, that perfect relationship or whatever your definition of success is — isn’t the reason you want that because you believe it will make you happy?
If ultimately happiness is the goal, why not choose to be happy with the moment you are in —accepting all the current circumstance and events coming together to make this particular moment happen for you — then moment to moment, let that joy guide the choices you make for what’s next?
Have a yummy week & a yummy day!