044_ What’s There To Worry About?

04/12/21 • 43 min

In today’s episode we’re discussing what’s going on with us when we caught up in worry.
For me, in looking at what’s really going on when I worry, I realized that worry is about being unwilling to be present with myself with the current circumstances I’m in — and feeling the uncertainty of what might happen next.

It is a way of creating fantasies of possible future outcomes — which promise you a sense of control. But it never works.

Worry is an attempt to try to control the uncertainty of how life is playing out —rather than accepting and embracing what’s happening.
If you really look at what’s going on in your mind when you’re worrying you see that worry is never about what’s actually happening. It is always about what’s not happening. It is a mental game playing with what-if scenarios.
We like thinking we’re the master of our universe. Worry is about trying to be in control.
We think that worrying will help us prepare — to predict so we can control the outcome. We can’t. Life is going to go how it is going to go.
So ask yourself honestly — has worry ever given you control? Really?
Now ask yourself — ‘Is there anything that will ever change as a result of my worrying about it?
Lar suggests that worry is part of the planning. It is part of preparing for all the possible things that could go wrong. Here’s where we want to get honest about how we feel. Is worrying causing anxiety because we think there is only one outcome that is acceptable?
Planning can be really useful. But worry happens when we take it personally. We attach our worth to the possible outcome. We place standard of acceptability to the outcome and that can keep us from taking action.
If we’re worrying or planning to attempt to create an acceptable outcome, we are rejecting all the other possible outcomes that life might have in store for us.
Letting go of the outcome is the antidote to letting go of worry.
Worry is one of those things in our collective program that we’ve attached to relationships and how much we love someone. Things like — If you love someone, won’t you worry about them? Doesn’t that prove how much you love them?
But how does worry really contribute to a loving relationship?
Worry is a substitute for having faith in the person and trusting the flow of life.
I’m reflecting on how often this topic came up when we were unschooling the boys. Worry keeps me from being present — and truly available for whatever happens. But having faith in them and their relationship with life, let’s me be their champion.
If we give up worry, we get to create new standards for success. Things like are we happy? Do we love ourselves and others?
Bottomline, there’s nothing to worry about.
Remember that joy is our natural state.
And anything that takes us away from that, is not actually useful.
If you’re caught in a loop of worry, take a moment to be mindful.
Here a little exercise you can use:
Pause and take 7 -10 long slow deep breaths

Zero into mindful practice. Your feet on the ground. What your hands are doing? What can you see? the colors and textured around you... What sounds do you hear?

Notice where the tension in your body is and deliberately soften and let go of the tension. If you can’t locate something specific, try progressive muscle relaxation— start at your feet; tighten and release, move to calves — tighten & release and so forth.
Use the breath to deliberately become more present and in touch with you natural state of joy.
Thanks for joining us again.
Have a yummy week & a yummy day!

It is a way of creating fantasies of possible future outcomes — which promise you a sense of control. But it never works.

Zero into mindful practice. Your feet on the ground. What your hands are doing? What can you see? the colors and textured around you... What sounds do you hear?

Previous Episode

043 _ Using Spirituality As An Excuse For Bad Behavior

In today’s episode, we’re discussing a topic sent in by one of you. — The idea of using spiritual lingo or concepts to justify not addressing what’s really going on.
It struck a point with us. Having been on a so-called spiritual path much of our lives, we’ve seen this pattern often. Where we or other people use spiritual lingo to not deal with the actuality of what’s really going on with us.
One label that has become popular in recent years is Spiritual Bypassing.
“A spiritual bypass or spiritual bypassing is a "tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks”.
Sometimes people use the spiritual terminology to take a position of superiority, to get their way, or to manipulate the conversation away from the actuality of what’s really happening presently. A semi-new ‘spiritual term being used to describe this is ‘Spiritual Narcissism.’
“The belief that your spiritual wisdom makes you more special than others. It can be used to shield yourself from criticism, to impress others, or to enhance your-self-esteem and feel good about yourself.”
Some signs of spiritual bypassing or spiritual narcissism:

Not focusing on the here and now; living in a spiritual realm much of the time.
Overemphasizing the positive and avoiding the negative.
Being self-righteous about the concept of enlightenment.
Being overly detached.
Being overly idealistic.
Having feelings of entitlement.
Exhibiting frequent anger.
Engaging in cognitive dissonance — when two or more beliefs we have contradict each other.
Being overly compassionate.
Pretending that everything is okay when it’s not.

If I’m hiding what I’m doing and using spiritual concepts to justify it, that’s a clue that I’m using spirituality to sidestep dealing with the actuality of what’s really happening.

It’s how we use spiritual concepts to avoid dealing with difficult truths of life that face us sometimes. But the truth is that we’re living in a world filled with ego-driven narcissistic and difficult behavior - it can make us feel powerless, angry and afraid.
These responses are the actuality of our life in the current moment. How we respond is an invitation to look within ourselves.
Too often we put the blame for our feelings on the situation or persons involved and then use spiritual concepts to elevate ourselves above it.

We get these spiritual ideas of love, peace and light. Then when something happens and we feel hurt and angry or feel betrayed, but we feel like we shouldn’t feel the way we do. So we use these ‘higher’ concepts to bypass these difficult emotions, and with it, the opportunity to look more deeply at our beliefs and fears and issues that we are coming to the surface.
We’re ignoring the invitation from life, from our true self, to look deeper within ourselves. And to experience true intimacy with the others involved.
What we’re really doing is using our ‘spiritual identity’ to disconnect from ourselves and intimacy with the other people involved.
We can’t be present and project a spiritual image at the same time.
Everything that happens is an invitation to know ourselves better —to embrace all the aspects of ourselves so we can question the beliefs that make us want to run away from the present experience.
Love looks. Fear looks away.
We hope you enjoy our conversation as much as we enjoyed bring it to you.
Have a yummy week & a yummy day!!!

Next Episode

045_ Expectations

"Expectations are premeditated resentments." True or false?
In today’s episode, Lar and I are discussing expectations and the affect they have on our relationships and life itself.
Expectations are a form of magical thinking brought over from childhood when we couldn’t distinguish our own associations and what happened. Like we’re upset with a sibling who get hurt and we think our anger caused it.
There a so many ways that we have expectations. Expectations that things will work out a certain way. But what happen when those expectation don’t?
We develop expectations due to social norms as grow up. And when we attach meaning to those expectations being met we create a subtle barrier to all other possibilities.
We grow up believing that it’s legit to expect people to behave according to social norms. And that leads to blame and resentment.
Expectations like anything else can lead to positive outcomes —
For instance, I wake up each day and spend the first few hours in stillness and love —what I call having coffee with the Divine, letting the peace and joy of presence fill me and set my day for presence — in openness and love.
— It makes sense after years of this ritual that I expect to have a yummy experience — because my previous experiences have shown me that the expectation is reasonable.
But too often expectations come out of a dissatisfaction with where we are and we determine what need to happen so we’ll be happy or feel successful and then set an expectation on the events or people in our lives to fill it.
We attach meaning to to the outcome and when the expectation isn’t met we feel we’ve failed or that someone else, some system, partner or team has failed us. We forget that we have given everything all the meaning it has for us. And attaching our happiness to expectations of a certain outcome takes us out of present time and cuts us off from the fluidity of working in concert with life as it arises moment by moment.
In relationships expectations can lead lack of communication. It leads us to making assumptions about how that the person will meet them. Then we extend our withdraw our love according to whether or not the person meets them. That’s not love. It is condition. It is not only unrealistic, it is a set up for resentment.
Love is unconditional — expectation free.
For instance, if we believe ‘if you love me, you’ll support me in everything I do.” And if you don’t —you don’t love me. But what about when I’m acting in way that is out of integrity? Or as Lar says, ‘when I’m being a dick.’
Love asks us to reach beyond expectations and into the present moment — letting the current circumstances and our true feelings to alter our responses so that communication stays open.
Expecting life to always turn out the way you want is guaranteed to lead to disappointment because life will not always turn out the way you want it to. And when those unfulfilled expectations involve the failure of other people to behave the way you expect them to, the disappointment leads to resentment.

You’ve all heard my mantra: “Everything goes my way.”
Where today’s topic is concerned, *Everything goes my way’ because I accept what is. and leave expectation where it belongs — somewhere in the fantasy world.
The opportunity of each experience is to know ourselves better. We can use moments where we feel icky — like seeing that we have had an expectation that things will go a certain way — it is an opportunity to look within and uncover our reason for the expectation and our attaching happiness to it — then choose again. Choose to be present and flow with the actuality of what is unfolding right here and now.
Thanks for joining us.
Have a yummy week & a yummy day!