Snack 76: How to Help When Everything You Say is Wrong

08/17/23 • 22 min

Phew! Ruby, Anne, and counselor Suzi Mohn are going to fix All The Things today, so the rest of us can relax by the pool.

OK, maybe not, but they certainly can help, so listen up!

Today’s question is: How can you support your partner in a difficult fertility journey?

Often, the one who will not be carrying the baby feels a little helpless and useless during the process. (For ease of communication, we’ll call this person “the partner.”) Partners want to support the one who will bear the child, but they don’t know how, and it seems everything they say gets tangled up with all the big emotions and the hormones and does nobody any good.

Though attention generally focuses on the one hoping to get pregnant, partners are suffering too. They’re sad and scared and hurting, but their attempts to help are perhaps a bit clumsy because they often can’t understand the ramifications of fertility treatment on the body, the heart, and the psyche.

And the one going through the fertility treatments may not have the time or language or mental space to teach their partner how to help.

Because of this, a couple of Suzi’s therapy groups undertook the task of creating a list — a list of what those hoping to carry a child wanted to hear so that their partners could truly be as supportive as they wanted to be.

All the points on the list are powerful and valid. Here are some of the highlights:

“Tell me you love me and know why I’m sad.”

“Share with me your vision of our child.”

Take my fears and doubts seriously, but also remind me that we're a team and we'll work this out.”

If you want someone to climb into the cab and stare at the ground with you (and that’ll make a lot more sense after you hear the episode), ask them to listen to this episode. Share with them the list (with your own additions and subtractions) to help open those critically important lines of communication and mutual support.

You can find out more about Suzi Mohn and get her contact information at the HERE. You can find more from Ruby and Anne at thewholepineappple.com

Phew! Ruby, Anne, and counselor Suzi Mohn are going to fix All The Things today, so the rest of us can relax by the pool.

OK, maybe not, but they certainly can help, so listen up!

Today’s question is: How can you support your partner in a difficult fertility journey?

And the one going through the fertility treatments may not have the time or language or mental space to teach their partner how to help.

All the points on the list are powerful and valid. Here are some of the highlights:

“Tell me you love me and know why I’m sad.”

“Share with me your vision of our child.”

Take my fears and doubts seriously, but also remind me that we're a team and we'll work this out.”

You can find out more about Suzi Mohn and get her contact information at the HERE. You can find more from Ruby and Anne at thewholepineappple.com

Previous Episode

Episode 39: What's Love Got to Do With It?: Relationships & Infertility

Individual and family couples counselor Suzi Mohn has helped families navigate crises for years, and she knows how important support can be during a fertility journey.

Infertility can put a huge strain on relationships — stress, financial worries, blame and guilt, turning pleasure into obligation, differing expectations or goals, etc. etc. are all legitimate concerns.

Ironically, in the quest to build a family, the family you already have can be put at risk. Fortunately, there are counselors and therapy groups to help couples overcome the difficulties, together.

In this episode, Suzi, Anne, and Ruby discuss the struggles people face when dealing with infertility. Couples may find infertility one of the first major crises they face together — they may not have been married long; they may not have dealt with the trauma of losing a parent or losing a job — and suddenly something they thought would be simple and natural ... isn’t.

Also, people may believe they’ve done All The Things right: they waited until they were financially and emotionally ready. They established their lives before preparing to welcome children into it. And their reward for such responsibility? Trouble conceiving or maintaining a pregnancy.

Couples may be on different timelines, too. One partner is ready to go to the doctor TODAY; the other isn’t feeling the same urgency. And that can make both of them feel like they’re taking this journey alone instead of together.

What do you do when you’re facing so much, and the one person you turn to in difficult times is dealing with their own concerns? What do you do when the person who is usually a big part of your solution is suddenly a big part of your problem? (or so you think...)

There’s help! Listen up for ways couples can navigate the challenges of infertility. Then, please share this episode with anyone you think could benefit.

You can find out more about Suzi Mohn and get her contact information HERE. You can find more from Ruby and Anne at thewholepineappple.com.

Next Episode

Snack 77: Starting Over

Sooooooooo.... Whether it was your choice or not, whether it’s for a happy reason or a difficult one, starting over can be one of the most difficult things we do as adults.

New job, new home, new realities can mean uncertainty and disruption. So how do we get our heads and hearts ready to take on the challenges of change?

In this episode, Anne and Jamie are discussing exactly this topic, as Jamie announces a big and exciting change in her life (and yes, you’ll have to listen to find out what it is, but it’s good).

One big takeaway here is that there are two coping strategies most of us tend to fall into when confronted with big change: avoidance and control. Do we duck the change that’s coming until we realize we really can’t breathe with our heads in the sand? Or do we take control (maybe a bit too much, sometimes)? Or do we vacillate between the two, making ourselves and those around us a little bonkers?

And how is any of this related to The Good Place? (If you haven’t watched it, we recommend you do, and you’re welcome.)

There are stages of change when starting over, and it’s important to give yourself grace and acceptance. You might be, as Jamie talks about, “solidly moving forward,” only to find yourself set back and frustrated.

But knowing your strengths under stress can be so helpful. Concentrate on those to get your self-confidence back and make progress. Or take a break! Let your energy renew, so you can re-engage from a healthy place.

Hear more about the ways you can stay afloat during the chaos of starting over in this episode, get the mental headspace from Jamie’s soothing meditation, then go back and listen to all Jamie’s episodes at thewholepineapple.com.

Stay tuned for more information on Sound Perinatal and Fertility Counseling and how you can work with Jamie!