#14: Why Do We Have Emotions?

10/02/19 • 34 min

Many sensitive people have wished at times that they could just get rid of their emotions. They may try to dampen, suppress, or deny emotions. Although these efforts may work partially, at least in the short-term, they never really work in the long term. Plus, often the things sensitive people may turn to in order to lessen the sting of painful emotions, such as addictive or impulsive behaviors, create additional problems.

In this episode, Marielle and Ed talk about the purpose of emotions and things that make it hard to regulate them. They talk about how emotions send a message to ourselves, letting us know that there is something we need to pay attention to. Emotional expression is also a powerful communicator to other people, whether we like it or not. Emotions move us to take action when we need to. Without emotions, we wouldn’t run from tigers, tend to a sick child, or fall in love.

Show Highlights:

Emotions motivate us to take action quickly when we need to
Emotions keep us connected to others; they motivate behavior that is good for the “tribe”
Emotions can be infectious or contagious
Body language and tone of voice also communicate our emotions to others
Emotions may be based on assumptions rather than facts
When anger is really strong, it tells us that someone or something has gone past our limits
Anger can feel very self-righteous at times
Anger might fit the facts but expressing it may or may not be effective
So much of the work with emotions is about slowing down
Some people feel like they don’t have a right to express anger
Our relationship to anger can be very gendered
Anger is one of the few emotions that men are typically allowed to have
Men are often socialized to not feel fear or sadness
Women are often socialized to not express or even feel anger
Class, race, gender, and sexual orientation can influence which emotions are ok to express publicly and how they are expressed
The different factors that make it hard to regulate emotions
Some people just feel emotions more strongly than others
Things like lack of sleep, being sick or not eating enough can make it harder to regulate emotions
Telling someone to “just get over it” doesn’t help
Sometimes our expressions of intense emotions get reinforced
Moodiness also gets in the way of being able to regulate emotions, meaning that your current mood dictates what you do (rather than your wise mind)
Mood-dependent behavior can take us out of line with our goals and values
It takes willingness and effort to work on regulating emotions

Links & Resources

To learn more about DBT and therapy in general, read our blog.

DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition

Ask Us a Question!

We’d love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question here.

Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.

Show Highlights:

Emotions motivate us to take action quickly when we need to
Emotions keep us connected to others; they motivate behavior that is good for the “tribe”
Emotions can be infectious or contagious
Body language and tone of voice also communicate our emotions to others
Emotions may be based on assumptions rather than facts
When anger is really strong, it tells us that someone or something has gone past our limits
Anger can feel very self-righteous at times
Anger might fit the facts but expressing it may or may not be effective
So much of the work with emotions is about slowing down
Some people feel like they don’t have a right to express anger
Our relationship to anger can be very gendered
Anger is one of the few emotions that men are typically allowed to have
Men are often socialized to not feel fear or sadness
Women are often socialized to not express or even feel anger
Class, race, gender, and sexual orientation can influence which emotions are ok to express publicly and how they are expressed
The different factors that make it hard to regulate emotions
Some people just feel emotions more strongly than others
Things like lack of sleep, being sick or not eating enough can make it harder to regulate emotions
Telling someone to “just get over it” doesn’t help
Sometimes our expressions of intense emotions get reinforced
Moodiness also gets in the way of being able to regulate emotions, meaning that your current mood dictates what you do (rather than your wise mind)
Mood-dependent behavior can take us out of line with our goals and values
It takes willingness and effort to work on regulating emotions

Links & Resources

To learn more about DBT and therapy in general, read our blog.

DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition

Ask Us a Question!

We’d love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question here.

Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.

Previous Episode

#13: 10 Common Myths About Emotions

Today Marielle and Ed discuss the 10 most common myths about emotions. These myths can come from the culture around us and from the families we were raised in. Asking yourself where you learned some of these myths may be helpful in debunking them. Some myths have to do with a fear of being out of control with emotions and other myths are more about equating emotions with the truth of who you are.

Show Highlights:

Myth 1: Having strong emotions means I am out of control.

Feeling the emotion and the behavior get conflated
It can feel like strong emotion automatically equals out of control behavior
Intense emotion can be very physical
Taking action on our strong emotion makes it feel out of control

Myth 2: If I start crying, I’m never gonna stop.

We always start crying, often sooner than we think
Under all circumstances, we do eventually stop crying

Myth 3: I need to push down my anger or it will become dangerous.

Anger also has a life-span, if we let it move through us it will dissipate
We can feel angry and not act on it in a dangerous way
We have a lot of power over how to handle our own anger

Myth 4: If I am feeling very emotional, I must do something to change it.

Emotions give us information
We don’t necessarily need to change emotions

Myth 5: Reason is better than emotion.

Another way of stating this myth is: it’s always better to be rational than emotional
Sometimes it sounds appealing to not have emotions
Emotions connect us to others

Myth 6: Emotions can just happen for no reason.

Emotions are a response to something even if we don’t know what that is
If you’re having a strong emotional response, it’s a signal to do a little exploring

Myth 7: I am my emotions.

We are so much more than our emotions
It’s not uncommon to feel more than one emotion at once
If you are basing your identity on your emotions, it will be hard to have a stable sense of self because our emotions are in continual flux

Myth 8: It’s inauthentic to try to change or question my emotions.

Sometimes it’s not effective to feel or act on an emotion
Sometimes our emotions are not aligned with our goals or values so the most authentic thing to do is to work to change it
Our emotions don’t always fit the facts

Myth 9: My emotions speak the absolute truth.

Sometimes our strong emotions are based on interpretations or assumptions rather than actual facts
Just because you feel something doesn’t mean it’s true

Myth 10: I need to be very emotional to be creative.

Emotions help support creativity but we don’t have to be overwhelmed by emotions to be creative

Ask Us a Question!

We’d love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question here.

Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.

Next Episode

#15: Check the Facts

In Episode 15 of The Skillful Podcast, Marielle and Ed discuss checking the facts. When you have a painful emotion that you want to change, using the DBT skill called Check the Facts can be very helpful. Sometimes strong, painful emotions aren’t a reaction to what has actually happened but are based on beliefs, interpretations, and assumptions about what has happened. Use this skill to help you change emotions YOU want to change - not emotions other people in your life want you to change.

Show Highlights:

Emotions might not be based on facts
Sometimes just checking the facts can bring down a painful emotion quickly
Start by naming the specific emotion that you want to change
What event brought on the emotion?
Be non-judgmental when describing what prompted the emotion
Name your interpretations, judgments, assumptions, and thoughts about the prompting event
Identify the stories your mind is telling you
Ask yourself what you’re scared of
Imagine the worst-case scenario and think about how you would cope
Often painful emotions are based on assuming a threat and minimizing our ability to cope
Assess whether the intensity of your emotion fits the facts
Assess whether how long your emotion is lasting fits the facts
Remind yourself that you have the capacity to get through very painful things
Sometimes the emotion fits the facts but acting on it isn’t effective

Links & Resources

To learn more about DBT and therapy in general, read our blog

DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition

Ask Us a Question!

We’d love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question here.

Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.