Ep 68: Turning the Tide in Family Court: A Survivor's Journey with Joanna Baanana

10/11/23 • 54 min

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“I’m not sure I can make it through this.”

If you are experiencing post-separation abuse after leaving your narcissistic partner, especially through the family court system it is likely that this thought has run through your head.

So, what can you do to get through your family court battle with your mental health and your children’s mental health intact?

I am speaking with a friend, advocate, and survivor today on what has helped her through this process and how she is making big waves in her community to improve the family court process for survivors. We touch on documentation, how to get the right form of support, identifying what is inside and outside of our control, and some mindset shifts that helped her become empowered during this experience.
Joanna writes:

In March of 2019, after an incident involving police and the removal of guns from my marital home, I began a journey that no one expects to be on. I became a client at the local domestic violence shelter - Safe Futures in Southeastern Connecticut. I filed for the dissolution of my marriage and obtained a restraining order. I also became a plaintiff in the civil family court system.

While my civil family court exposure is ongoing, I have decided to be a part of the solution as opposed to simply complaining about the injustices I see. Because of this, I am a founding member of the VOICES Committee for The Center for Safe Futures. I am on the Advisory Board of the Connecticut Protective Moms Non-Profit. I have been certified as a DV Crisis Counselor. I am a Girl Scout leader. And I’ve written my first book, a memoir, which I hope to be published by 2025.

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“I’m not sure I can make it through this.”

If you are experiencing post-separation abuse after leaving your narcissistic partner, especially through the family court system it is likely that this thought has run through your head.

So, what can you do to get through your family court battle with your mental health and your children’s mental health intact?

Previous Episode

Ep 67: My Child has Been Turned Against Me

Does it feel like your child has been brainwashed and turned against you?

You used to have a close relationship and now that you have separated it has fallen apart?

Unfortunately, once your abuser has no other ways to control you, they will likely start using your children. This doesn’t start just after you have separated though; there are patterns throughout your relationship where your abusive partner has used coercive control to control your children, usually against you.

If you find yourself in this heartbreaking situation there are some dos and don’ts that can impact your relationship with your children. I share stories where the non-abusive parent proved the abuser's narrative correct by putting the child in the middle because they did not do their own work and used alcohol to cope with the trauma of the relationship and post-separation abuse. In both of these situations, the outcome was poor for both the children and the non-abusive parent.

So, what can you do if you feel like your child is being turned against you?

The most important thing is to take care of yourself. If you do not do the hard work of healing, learning how to communicate with an abuser post-separation and all the other things that go along with post-separation abuse, you may put your child in harm's way.

You need to describe the behaviors you see or hear your ex doing and how your child is being negatively affected by this. Evidence of this is important otherwise to a judge it seems like a “he said she said” game. If you need a label, stay away from the term parental alienation. For more information on this, listen to episode 44, The Myth of Parental Alienation.

And then finally, you need to act in ways that disprove your ex’s false narrative. You need to show up and find out everything you can about your child if you do not have much contact. Let them see that they are always on your mind. You need to follow through with your promises. You need to refrain from any disparaging remarks about the other parent to or in front of your child. Your children need to feel the difference between the unconditional love that you provide versus the conditional love they will receive from their other parent.

Next Episode

Ep 69: Protect Yourself in Family Court Through Documentation

Please do not show up to court with your narcissistic ex-partner thinking that because what you say is true, a judge will believe you.

In order to prevent the judge from thinking this is just a “he said, she said” game you need a strong documentation strategy in place. And because it is likely you have experienced trauma at the hands of your abusive ex-partner you may not show up in a credible way to those who do not understand.

In this episode, I go over some of the different types of documentation that you need to have prepared including:

Financial documentation
Documentation based on the factors of a child’s best interest
Documentation based on the factors a judge is looking for to determine parental allocation of decision-making

Some basic tips for documentation for family court include:

Documenting in a separate journal/planner/spreadsheet
Having as much documentation time-stamped
Use of a co-parenting messenger app
Use of a “vault” for evidence to be court-admissible
Marking emails/messages as important so that you don’t have to go back and search
Choosing your battles
Predicting your ex’s behaviors and perceived wins

If you want more support on how to document including ways to document based on how our minds take in information and ways to make this less than a full-time job, join us for our low-cost documentation workshop on Friday, Nov 3, 2023.

Documentation Workshop. November 3rd, 2023