The Quibbler: A Harry Potter Book Club

April Fool’s Day means just one thing in these parts. It’s another episode of The Nibbler! The third book in the series is chock-a-block full of horrifying messages for kids, tweens, teens, and grownups alike, including: you’re obligated to love back any boy who becomes obsessed with you; sex is the same as murder; the Confederacy was pretty sweet; gold shag carpeting is a classy design choice; a metaphor can never get too extended; Native American tribes are basically supernatural anyway so why not ascribe totally made-up lore to actual living indigeous people; and MORE! Plus: Falling in love with a toddler, is, like, chill. Also there’s apparently a plot in there somewhere. This week: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Cave of wonders? More like cave of horrors! This week, Trelawney hides her empties, Malfoy gets his magical carpentry credentials, and then, you know, they go to LITERAL HELL. This underworld has everything: zombies, a glowing green cocktail made of nightmares, a truly messed up boat trip, the blood of a beloved teacher. Plus: You know what? No. That’s enough. This week’s chapters: The Seer Overheard & The Cave Next week’s chapters: The Lightning-Struck Tower & Flight of the Prince

We're changing our tune on a few things this week—most notably, indeed, Dumbledore is a huge badass. Dobby once again parachutes in with a dire and timely warning; Fudge massively overplays his hand; Dumbledore's got style; Umbridge tries her hand at enhanced interrogation methods; the twins light it up; and the Marauders severely underwhelm. Plus: Seriously, someone call in a missing persons report for Ron Weasley in this book. This week's chapters: The Centaur and the Sneak & Snape's Worst Memory Next week's chapters: Career Advice & Grawp

For the love of god, someone teach these children language arts. This week, Ron stuffs his face; Harry loses his temper (again ... and again); the twins recruit some freelancers; Mondays are the worst; Snape teaches kids to make Xanax; and Umbridge is just as bad as we suspected she would be. Plus: We get into the weeds on education policy! We promise it's scintillating. This week's chapters: The Sorting Hat's New Song & Professor Umbridge Next week's chapters: Detention with Dolores & Percy and Padfoot

Spend this very strange holiday season with us, quibbling about the Christmas classics that make us merry and/or cause us to cringe. First up, the ultimate tale of holiday alienation and a master class in Committing to the Bit: The Grinch! Yuletide supervillain or just a guy sick of noise and Amazon packages? We'll be dropping more holiday goodies throughout the rest of the month, so stay tuned! xoxo