I Almost Dishonered My Pants - A Puzzling Evidence Podcast - S3E1

05/25/20 • 86 min

Boss Stang

A Short Story

by Little Philo Drummond

Ivan Stang had always hated Dobbstown's pobuckery Main Kitchen with its dangerous, deadly, bloody Knife Cellar. But it was a place where he felt threatened yet relaxed.

He was a bossy, incredulous, hot buttered rum martini drinker with giant stinky armpits and midgety butt cheeks. His friends saw him as a salty, cantankerous old skull farmer. Once, he had even made a cup of tea for the Giant Nutsack. That's the kindly sort of man he was.

Ivan walked over to the window and reflected on his dark and dank surroundings. The rain hammered like rabid thinking polecats.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Dr. Hal Owwll. Dr. Hal was a snooty animal with scrawny stinky armpits and micro-cephalic but lumpy butt cheeks.

Ivan gulped. He was not prepared for deadly Dr. Hal.

As Ivan stepped outside and Dr. Hal came closer, he could see the annoying glint in his eye.

Dr. Hal glared with all the wrath of 5,944 peculiarly angry chupacabras. He muttered under his breath, in hushed tones yet incredibly audible, "I still want a sacred t-shirt."

Ivan looked back, even more blissful but still fingering the eazor-sharp sword while eyeballing Dr. Hal's ample neck. "Dr. Hal, please take the sourdough out of the fridge," he replied.

They looked at each other with contemplative feelings, like two gigantic, grieving gerbils fropping at a very rude Annual Work Review, which had rockabilly music playing in the background and two thoughtful broom-toting uncles sweeping to the beat.

Ivan regarded Dr. Hal's scrawny stinky armpits and micro-cephalic butt cheeks. "I feel the same way!" revealed Ivan with a delighted grin.

Shyly, Dr. Hal looked grumpy, his emotions blushing red like a just mis-used razor sharp pocketknife.

Then Dr. Hal came inside for a nice drink of hot buttered rum martini.

THE END

Praise for Boss Stang

"I feel like I know Ivan Stang. In a way, it feels as though I've always known him."- The Daily Tale

"About as enjoyable as being hailed on whilst taking in washing that has been targeted by seagulls with the drizzling shits."- Enid Kibbler

"Saying the rain hammered like rabid thinking polecats is just the kind of literary device that makes this brilliant."- Hit the Spoof

"I could do better."- Zob Gloop

Boss Stang

A Short Story

by Little Philo Drummond

Ivan Stang had always hated Dobbstown's pobuckery Main Kitchen with its dangerous, deadly, bloody Knife Cellar. But it was a place where he felt threatened yet relaxed.

Ivan walked over to the window and reflected on his dark and dank surroundings. The rain hammered like rabid thinking polecats.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Dr. Hal Owwll. Dr. Hal was a snooty animal with scrawny stinky armpits and micro-cephalic but lumpy butt cheeks.

Ivan gulped. He was not prepared for deadly Dr. Hal.

As Ivan stepped outside and Dr. Hal came closer, he could see the annoying glint in his eye.

Dr. Hal glared with all the wrath of 5,944 peculiarly angry chupacabras. He muttered under his breath, in hushed tones yet incredibly audible, "I still want a sacred t-shirt."

Ivan looked back, even more blissful but still fingering the eazor-sharp sword while eyeballing Dr. Hal's ample neck. "Dr. Hal, please take the sourdough out of the fridge," he replied.

Ivan regarded Dr. Hal's scrawny stinky armpits and micro-cephalic butt cheeks. "I feel the same way!" revealed Ivan with a delighted grin.

Shyly, Dr. Hal looked grumpy, his emotions blushing red like a just mis-used razor sharp pocketknife.

Then Dr. Hal came inside for a nice drink of hot buttered rum martini.

THE END

Praise for Boss Stang

"I feel like I know Ivan Stang. In a way, it feels as though I've always known him."- The Daily Tale

"About as enjoyable as being hailed on whilst taking in washing that has been targeted by seagulls with the drizzling shits."- Enid Kibbler

"Saying the rain hammered like rabid thinking polecats is just the kind of literary device that makes this brilliant."- Hit the Spoof

"I could do better."- Zob Gloop

Previous Episode

Lasering The Dissidents - A Puzzling Evidence Podcast - S2E10

The night of the X-Day changes everything for Puzzling Evidence, a 77-year-old Show Host from Dobbstown. One moment, he is discussing cheeses with his wealthy Uncle, Philo Drummond; the next, watching with horror as reprehensible Bobbies grundle each other. He knows these Bobbies came from Mountain Home but he can't prove it - at least not without some poisonous phonebooks. The Puzzling Evidence Radio Show on KPFA. This one has only 1 hr. 25 mins hours of a 5 hour show. So to say it is a five-hour show would be a flat out lie+. The Puzzling Evidence Radio Show on KPFA. It has all the spacesuits of a well stocked Starship. But the suits are too loose and smell like somebody got sick in them.

Next Episode

Moment of Sacred Noise - A Puzzling Evidence Podcast - S3E2

The Show opens with Hal's Pocket Spider scuttling in and out of his pants because yesterday was the 49th. Then Your Hard-Hitting Bleeding-Edge Wide-Eye-Ball News Team Delivers the Up-To-The-Minute Cutting-Edge-News both Bad/Good and Other. Callers collide, rules for having sex with Show Squid are enumerated. Shoeing formerly useless barefoot appendages. General Hal's irritating King Loud background music is killing the Show softly with its song. A rift in the tear in the fabric of the universe's blankey makes kids cry silently into their pillow filling it up with the salty tears of childhood pain along with Jesus's foreskin. Ancient relics are debunked including the Shroud of Bozo proving he had only had one arm having previously been chewed off after a drunken tryst. Looking for it makes it disappear. Do Evil Scientists exist? The dangers of picking up hitchhikers with an un-de-beaked prairie squid in the back seat. The callers are repetitive and indistinct yet still there. Dr. Hal and Philo elaborate ambiguous sales techniques and arcane ending formulas.

The Puzzling Evidence Radio Show podcast. It has all the Big Red Johnson of a heaving m'muh radio show podcast compilation. But their diction is too good and they are all three too handsome and mature to be allowed to leave.