10 Things You Should Know about Grieving People Pt.4

06/24/24 • 14 min

Grieving people would enjoy hearing a story about your experience with the person who died.
In the midst of grief people hear a lot of generalities about the person who died, things like, “He was a really great guy.” But what they long for are specific stories about experiences others had with that person, specific qualities that someone appreciated and instances in which those qualities were evident. So to tell a grieving person one of these stories brings joy in the midst of sorrow. And to actually write out one of these stories provides the grieving person with something that brings comfort again and again as they read it and share it with others over the days and years to come.
Grieving people want you to simply be there at the visitation, the funeral, and beyond.
If you can’t make it to the visitation or the funeral, don’t tell the person why you couldn’t come (unless you were on the other side of the world or in a coma) because whatever reason kept you from being there on the lowest days of their life, when they wanted the whole world to stop and take notice that the person they loved died, simply won’t be good enough. Just say that you are so disappointed that you couldn’t be there. Ask the person to tell you about aspects of the service that were special to them. Maybe even ask if you can come over and watch a video of the service with them.

For more information about this group, please visit their website at reformationboise.com.
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Previous Episode

10 Things You Should Know about Grieving People Pt.3

Grieving people will not necessarily call you if they need something
10 Things You Should Know about Grieving People by Nancy Guthrie
This article is part of the 10 Things You Should Know series.
Sometimes we say to people, “I’m here. Please call me if you need anything.” And we mean it. But someone in the midst of grief can barely think straight. They certainly can’t take on the task of recruiting and organizing the help they need. What they really need is for people around them to figure out something that would be helpful and just do it. “I’m going to mow your grass for the rest of the summer so you don’t have to think about it,” or “Would you like some company to go pick out the burial plot or to order the gravestone?” or “I’m going to come over on Thursday morning and do your laundry.” No one is ever going to call and ask someone to come over and clean their toilets or wash their clothes, but sometimes that is what they really need.
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10 Things You Should Know about Grieving People Pt.5

It is extremely hard for a grieving person to have to give a report on how they’re doing. But they do want you to invite them to talk about their grief and their loved one who died.

We tend to approach people who have been through a loss with the question, “How are you?” It is simple enough and it certainly demonstrates caring. But many grieving people feel at a loss to come up with an adequate answer to the question. “Not so good,” might sound pathetic. “Good,” just isn’t the truth. They sometimes feel as if the person asking will judge how they’re doing this grief thing if they’re honest about the ups and downs and waves of grief that sometimes overtake them. Much better is to ask an open-ended question such as, “What’s your grief like these days?” It acknowledges that it makes sense they would be sad and allows them to talk about it.

It means the world to a grieving person to hear from you on the anniversary of their loved one’s death—no matter how long it has been since that person died.

There is a day that comes around on the calendar every year for the person who has lost someone they love—the day of the accident, the day the machines were turned off, the day they got the dreaded phone call. As the day approaches on the calendar, there is a sense of dread—almost as if it is going to happen again and they can’t do anything about it. They’re trying to figure out what to do with the day to remember the person who died. Sometimes there’s no energy for that and so they’re simply trying to live through the day. For someone else to care enough to send a note, make a call, or ask them to lunch or dinner, or ask to accompany them to the grave is an incredible gift.
Nancy Guthrie teaches the Bible at her home church, Cornerstone Presbyterian Church in Franklin, Tennessee, as well as at conferences around the country and internationally, including her Biblical Theology Workshop for Women. She is the author of numerous books and the host of the Help Me Teach the Bible podcast with the Gospel Coalition. She and her husband founded Respite Retreats for couples who have faced the death of a child, and they are cohosts of the GriefShare video series.