Own your ‘crazy’

Do you ever feel so angry. So out of control. So extreme.

That you WOULD NOT DARE to unleash it?

If you did, god knows what would happen.

You certainly wouldn’t feel safe. And neither would anyone around you.

You might hurt yourself. And others.

You would fear being judged. And the shame of self judgement would be even worse.

Intolerable.

So you bottle it.

You carry the shame that there must be something wrong with you.

You push it down.

You carry the weight of self loathing for having to hide this part of you.

You bury it.

You wonder what is so damaged and so unhealed within you that you can feel such extreme emotion.

The shame, guilt and self loathing is swallowed.

The ferocious dragon inside you becomes your shameful secret.

Lock her away and throw the key.

You brush yourself down, button up, put on your lippy and pretend that you are pretty and perfect and have total emotional mastery.

You are ‘fine’.

But now you feel numb. A little bit dead inside.

A part of you has been silenced.

A part of you has been made bad, wrong, messy and not to be seen or heard. Ever.

And you wonder what’s worse.

To reveal your darkness or kill her off.

It’s hardly a trade off. Either way, the feelings are excruciating.

I NEED YOU TO REALLY HEAR SOMETHING.

You are not alone to feel like this.

It has been my experience. And it’s the experience of so many women I have worked with.

I remember as a little girl when feeling angry or irritable I was told that I was annoying or too much or difficult. I got approval when I was good and calm and quiet. I got menacing looks and judgement when I was emotional.

Receiving love was conditional. The condition being, do not be emotional.

So I learned to be good.

I learned to be pretty.

I learned to smile and be calm.

As I grew into adulthood, the repression of my darker emotions (dark because at some point I unconsciously decided to make anger, worry, sadness and anxiety to mean bad, dark and unloveable) had a physical impact.

Anxiety became normal for me. I lived with it as a standard part of my life. I didn’t know that anxiety results from pu...