Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Rachel Rider, author of Who You Are Is How You Lead, talks about getting in touch with how we want to show up for others. We discuss the power of self-regulation and somatic experiencing to help parents break free of ingrained patterns of interacting with their teens.

Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Full Show Notes

Parenting teenagers often feels like navigating through a maze without a map. Whether it's constant reminders left unheeded, feelings of being underappreciated, or simply a disconnect in communication, many parents find themselves trapped in a cycle of unproductive patterns with their teenagers. But what if the secret to breaking these cycles begins with looking inward?

In today's episode of Talking to Teens, we are exploring the power of self-awareness and transformation in parenting. Our habits, responses, and interactions with our teenagers often stem from deeper, unacknowledged patterns within us. But how do we begin to recognize these patterns, and more importantly, how can we change them?

We're joined by Rachel Rider, an executive coach and the creator of the MetaWorks Method, a transformative process that promotes radical ease, spaciousness, and meaningful change in leadership and relationships. Rachel, also the author of "Who You Are Is How You Lead," brings her extensive insight into how parents can apply her methodology to foster a deeper connection with their teenagers.

Understanding Your Internal Drivers

The journey to transformative parenting begins with understanding your internal drivers—your deepest motivations for why you parent the way you do. Rachel shares how identifying these drivers can illuminate the patterns that govern our interactions with our teens. By aligning our parenting approach with our core desires and values, we can begin to interact with our teenagers in more meaningful and fulfilling ways.

Recognizing and Disrupting Patterns

Patterns in parenting aren't just about what we do; they're deeply tied to how we feel and react in certain situations. Rachel discusses how becoming aware of our physical responses and the thoughts that arise in challenging moments can reveal the patterns we need to address. Disrupting these patterns isn't about immediate change but about creating space to explore what drives our reactions and how we can approach situations differently.

Fostering Connection through Transformation

The final piece of transforming our parenting approach involves nurturing new habits grounded in awareness and self-regulation. Rachel provides practical advice for parents on how to introduce change in their interactions with their teenagers, emphasizing the importance of patience, self-compassion, and ongoing reflection in the process.

In The Episode...

Our conversation with Rachel is packed with insights and actionable advice. Some additional topics we cover include:

The role of self-regulation in effective parenting
- How internal conflicts can influence our reactions to our teenagers
- Practical steps for identifying and changing unhelpful parenting patterns
- The importance of aligning your parenting approach with your internal drivers
- Tips for fostering a deep and meaningful connection with your teenager

Rachel's approach to transforming parenting dynamics offers a fresh perspective on the challenges many parents face. By focusing on internal drivers and patterns, we can create a more fulfilling and connected family environment.

Don't miss this enlightening discussion on how self-awareness and transformation can revolutionize the way you parent. Remember, the journey to better parenting begins with you. Listen to the episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more insights into navigating the complex world of parenting teenagers.

Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely respond to these counter-intuitive approaches.

Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Full show notes

Parenting with patience can be hard when your teen has a snarky, dismissive, or otherwise negative attitude. As teens grow, they don’t want to be babied or feel like they’re being controlled, so they may act out against you to create a sense of distance or even dominance.

It’s certainly not out of the ordinary for teens to have hard days and to be in a bad mood. It becomes a bigger problem when this behavior turns into a habit of breaking rules and violating boundaries. Teens who regularly rebel against your authority could be on the path to a difficult young adulthood where all they know is conflict and hard feelings.

Parenting with patience is a skill that you will learn through practice. If you parent with an iron fist, it probably won’t go well and it may even encourage your teen to rebel even more than they already were. It’s easy to fall into a parenting trap of feeling like you want to punish your teen severely in order to prove a point, but punishments out of spite only start a vicious cycle of resentment and continued bad behavior.

But on the other hand, if you let bad behavior continue, you could hurt both your family life and your teen’s personal life. There needs to be a way to keep peace in your house in a way that doesn’t make your teen feel like they’re being controlled or that you’re being overbearing. Parenting with patience and understanding is probably the best way to both maintain order and also set an amicable atmosphere in the house. This week, I spoke with a mother of 5 who managed to do just that.

Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely respond to these counter-intuitive approaches because they aren’t based on punishment, rather, collaboration in order to fix a problem.

Judy explains the psychology behind why teens rebel and she shows you exactly what you can do to stop the process. After 27 years of being a parent to loving children, her expertise is truly valuable. Come along with me as I learn about non-punitive parenting strategies and gain a better understanding of parenting with a deeper sense of patience.

Using the Right Language to Diffuse Tension

Teenagers often don’t know how to communicate fully. They are still learning how to use their language to express themselves to others. Judy says you should model a more grown up language for a while until your teen gets the hang of it for themselves. When parenting with patience, it’s your job to be the bigger person and set an example for your teen, no matter how badly they behaved.

Think about a time that you had a disagreement that turned into a bigger fight. Write down examples of things your teen says when they are mad that really bother you. Next, write down what your teen should say instead, phrased as an “I-statement.”

To create an “I-statement,” alter the language so that it’s all said in terms of your teenager and how they feel.

For instance, “You’re always nagging me about my chores” might become “I’m unhappy because I have a full schedule and I feel chores are being laid on me.” “You’re so unfair” might be better phrased as “I’m frustrated because I feel the rules are being made without my input.”

An “I-statement” like this is a much more respectful way of expressing your emotions and needs. But your teen is going to need some guidance from you before they master this. Don’t get discouraged! Mistakes are just a part of parenting with patience. Ask your teens to collaborate with you and have them create their own “I-statements.”

Understanding Why Teens Rebel

The rebellious nature of teens can provide a barrier to parenting with patience. Where are some areas in which your teenager is rebelling? Write down as many of the rebellious things your teen is doing as you can think of. Judy told me that rebellion always happens around an issue where the parent has drawn a “line in the sand,” or has made a very firm rule that something will “not be tolerated.” When teens don’...

Pete Davis, author of Dedicated, speaks to us about the power of commitment in an age of infinite options. Plus, what to say to a teen trying everything to gain status.

Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Full show notes

Some teens just don’t want to commit to anything! They go to one lacrosse team practice but quickly lose interest, quit piano lessons when the songs get difficult and avoid debate team meetings after school...even though they signed up for the whole year! As a parent, it can be frustrating to watch them shrug off any kind of obligation. You know getting involved in activities will help them gain new skills and make friends. So how can you get them to see how valuable commitments can be?

The truth is that kids these days are stuck in browsing mode. With so many distractions, it’s hard for them to focus on one thing. And even when they find something they care about, society tells them not to settle, not to get tied down, not to stick with anything that isn’t their “perfect” calling. But if we can help kids understand just how rewarding it is to find a lasting passion or commit to a craft, we can guide them towards a brighter, happier future.

This week, we’re talking to Pete Davis, author of Dedicated: The Case for Commitment in the Age of Infinite Browsing. Pete spoke at Harvard University’s 2018 graduation ceremony about the value of being committed to something meaningful. Since then, the video of his speech has been viewed over 30 million times! His inspiring message about dedication might be just what your teen needs to hear.

Pete and I dive into the power of commitment in this week’s episode. We cover the importance of helping teens find a craft, discuss why kids should give up on the notion of finding their “calling”, and explain how it can be valuable for young adults to pick something and stick to it! If you want to help your kid find a fulfilling future but don’t quite know what advice to give, you won’t want to miss this episode!

The Importance of Getting Involved

We know that playing football keeps teens in shape and learning the guitar allows kids to play their favorite songs...but these benefits are just the tip of the iceberg. Teens can gain so much from finding a craft they love and committing to it. In the episode, Pete and I chat about how hobbies and extracurriculars help teens learn to take feedback, persevere through difficulties, and find community.

Pete and I talk about his time playing the piano as an example. From the age of 5 to 13, he worked with the same piano teacher, constantly improving his playing along the way. By committing to one mentor and one activity for so long, Pete was able to track his progress, see his evolution and create strong connections to both his teacher and other students. By the time he stopped taking lessons at 18, he experienced what he describes as one of life’s greatest pleasures: looking back and understanding the beauty of the journey.

Pursuits like painting and baseball are about so much more than just winning games or getting into galleries, says Pete. They empower teens by showing them that they’re capable of greatness! Plus, they teach kids that there are forces bigger than themselves that they can contribute to and feel good about. These lessons will help them head into adult life with confidence and purpose.

In addition, crafts help teens find heroes and mentors who encourage them to strive for excellence. Along with his amazing piano teacher, Pete was constantly encouraged by idols: famous folks who’d accomplished extraordinary feats. He advises parents to indulge in a teen’s interest in prominent figures, as it will allow teens to see how greatness is achieved. If your teen is into filmmaking and fosters a love for Steven Spielberg, it might be a good idea to get them a Spielberg biography!

Sometimes however, even when teens have an inkling about what they like to do, they’re not quite ready to commit. They fear choosing the wrong thing, wonder if they’ll regret their decision, fuss over what others think. This indecisiveness can lead teens to a state of analysis paralysis, where they just sort of do...nothing! Pete and I delve into how we can prevent teens from getting stuck in this space, what he calls the “menu screen of life.”

How Commitment Cultivates Passion

Our society tells young people that they shouldn’t settle for less than the perfect pursuit. Teens are told that they need to hold out for a flawless opportunity, the thing that ignites the fireworks of their passion without any drawbacks! Now, it’s pretty obvious ...

Ron Lieber, author of The Price You Pay For College and NYT Your Money columnist, clues us in on what marketing tricks your teen’s favorite colleges might be using and how to get the best deal.

Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Full show notes

With prices skyrocketing and competition for admission growing more intense every year, applying to college can be a major source of stress for both parents and teens! It’s enormously difficult to decide which school offers the right dorms, classes, and clubs. On top of all that, you and your student have to figure out how you’re going to foot the bill.

Although families have access to resources like the FAFSA and other financial aid, it can be incredibly difficult to figure out how it all works. Every school offers something different, and half the time it seems like they tack on costs out of nowhere! It can feel like you’re being hoodwinked when you're just trying to give your teen a brighter future.

To get to the bottom of all the college cost craziness, we’re talking to Ron Lieber, author of The Price You Pay For College: An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make. Ron is a business expert, and writes the wildly popular “Your Money” column in New York Times. His expertise about money and parenting have made a twice best-selling author!

Today, he and I are discussing some questionable methods colleges use to entice students into attending. We’re also breaking down the questions teens should be asking themselves when shopping for schools, and a few key things they should be wary about when embarking on their university journey.

Why You Should Question How Colleges Market Themselves

College is expensive....like, really expensive. Luckily, there are few ways parents can pay, though they’re not always easy to navigate. Some students get scholarships based on merit, because they have exhibited academic skill or another impressive quality. While this may seem like a life saver, most colleges have some tricks up their sleeve when it comes to scholarships.

Ron breaks down the deceptive nature of many of these merit based aid programs. While they started as a way for schools to bring smarter students to campus at a lower cost, they’ve lost their original, intended purpose, says Ron. It’s become more and more common for schools to offer them to the majority of students, often even hiking up the sticker price of tuition to make it seem as though they’re handing families a discount.

In fact, there’s a billion dollar industry behind these discounts, with colleges finding the exact amount of financial aid to offer students to ensure that they attend the institution–but not a penny more. Ron and I talk about how colleges sometimes even measure how often applicants visit their websites or how quickly teens open their emails, to see how badly students want to attend. If teens seem eager to go to a particular place, schools can use this information to extract more money out of these hopeful students.

In the episode, Ron gets into why all these tricky marketing schemes came into being, and ways you can get around them. When it comes to picking a school, there’s more than just the price to think about, however. In addition to talking about financial aid, Ron shares the questions he thinks every student should be asking themselves before they choose a college.

Finding the College that Fits

Selecting a scholarly institution is no easy task. Ron suggests that teens ask themselves what they really want out of college. He sorts students into three different categories depending on what kind of experience they prioritize. Some want to get practical knowledge, acquiring a degree or license with the main purpose of gainful employment. Others want to find their pack, the people who truly get them. Some go away to school to have a unique learning experience and expand their mind.

What kids really need to do is understand what it is exactly they’re going to college for. If they have a notion locked down, they’ll know what questions to ask their tour guides. Ron puts this idea in terms of examining a college’s dorm design, something students often don’t consider. If your kid wants to meet as many people as possible, dorms with more closed off quarters are likely not the right choice. If they want to engage in a lot of quiet studying, it might be in their best interest to look into a school where dorms are more spread out.

For students who are looking to learn as much as possible, Ron suggests seeking out a college with small class sizes. Rese...

Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen, helps us break through our teenager’s barriers to have vulnerable conversations, solve conflict, and create more open lines of communication.

Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Full show notes

Having an open, communicative, connected relationship with your teen is awesome...but pretty difficult to achieve. Teens don’t exactly make it easy to get close to them–when we try to have heart-to-hearts, they usually just roll their eyes. Plus, it’s hard to spend quality time together when they disappear to their rooms for hours at a time! Being vulnerable with teens can be an incredible way to bond with them and prep them with life advice for the world ahead, if we could only get them to listen.

To make things more complicated, having these conversations is usually a two-part process. Even when we’ve got kids to open up, it’s another challenge altogether to know what to say! When teens tell us about what’s going on with them, we don’t want to shut them down or make them feel worse. We want to give them advice that will help them become their best selves. Although this might feel like an impossible task, we’re giving you some tips this week to help you get there.

Our guest today is Mark Goulston, renowned psychologist and author of many books, including the popular Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior and Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. Mark’s experiences working with patients and talking to parents all over the world has left him with some powerful notions about making an impact on teens.

In our interview, we’re covering the importance of opening up to teens, how you can create a safe space for teens to be vulnerable, and how we can move forward to a promising future with kids instead of dwelling on our past mistakes.

How Conversations Can Lead to Connections

Our words are often a lot more powerful to teens than we might think. During our discussion, Mark shares a touching story about how a talk in his young adult years changed his life forever. When he was on the brink of dropping out of med school, the dean of students told him he had a streak of goodness in him, and fought for him to stay in the program. At the time, Mark's mental health was poor. When the dean said Mark had a future ahead of him, Mark finally felt like he had the power to go on. For some teens, this kind of encouragement can be essential.

For others, it can be critical to know it’s ok to make mistakes. In the episode, Mark explains how some teens constantly compare themselves to their “perfect” seeming parents, and feel like they can never measure up. By letting your walls down and allowing yourself to be vulnerable about your own mistakes, you can help teens see that they don’t always have to be flawless. Mark and I talk a lot in the interview about the damage of pushing kids to be high achievers and how we can move towards a healthier set of expectations.

When you’re able to connect with teens on a deeper level, they develop what Mark calls basic trust. This is an essential part of growing from a teen to a functional, content adult. Without this trust, they often feel anxious stepping into the world and don’t have a sense of safety, he says. When you and your kid are truly able to bond on a deeper level, you can reach what Mark describes as “radical attunement,” which goes deeper than just surface conversation and allows the two of you to be connected by instinct. Mark and I dive further into his concept in our talk.

So you know how important these talks can...but how can we go about having them?

Asking Teens the Right Questions

When it comes to working out conflicts with teens, Mark recommends looking towards the future instead of the past. Instead of bringing up old points of tension from previous mistakes, he explained that it can be more productive to ask teens how they want things to be different in the future. Is there something you’ve been doing that’s harmful? What can you start doing to help teens develop confidence and healthy habits?

Discussing the future can also be a pre-emptive way to figure out incoming issues before they become arguments. Mark recommends asking kids what you should do the next time you find yourself concerned by their behavior. Kids might say to text them, or write them a letter, or just talk to them directly–but getting their game plan will help next time there’s a tussle between the two of you. Instead of acting without a plan, you’ll have their...