Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

John Petrocelli, author of The Life Changing Science of Detecting Bullshit, explains how parents can identify when their teens are bullshitting and how to raise teens who critically evaluate the information they encounter.

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Full Show Notes

As teenagers grow and seek more independence, they can sometimes wield sophisticated tactics to avoid responsibility or twist the truth to their advantage. This behavior, often dubbed “bullshitting,” can make the challenging task of parenting even more complex. But how can parents distinguish between harmless exaggerations, outright lies, and simple bullshit?

In today’s fast-paced and information-saturated world, parents must not only navigate their teen's emerging independence but also teach them to identify and resist bullshit from other sources. Teens today are bombarded with information from social media, peers, and other influences, making it crucial for them to develop robust critical thinking skills. But how can we ensure that they are equipped to navigate this complex landscape effectively?

Enter John Petrocelli, author of The Life Changing Science of Detecting Bullshit. John is not just a researcher but an expert who has delved deeply into the concept of bullshit, differentiating it from lying and studying its impacts on individuals and society. With over a decade of empirical research under his belt, John’s work provides invaluable insights into how parents can better detect bullshit and teach their teens to be critical thinkers.

Understanding Bullshit

John introduces us to the nuances that differentiate bullshitting from lying. While both bullshitting and lying involve deception, the bullshitter often doesn't care about the truth—they aim to sound knowledgeable or impressive irrespective of the facts. This indifference towards the truth can have severe implications, influencing our beliefs, memories, and critical decisions.

John shares fascinating findings from his research, including how people are more prone to bullshit when they believe their audience lacks expertise or won’t scrutinize their claims. This is where parents can start: by fostering an environment where claims are questioned and critical thinking is actively encouraged.

Why Bullshit Matters

Many parents might underestimate the significance of their teen’s bullshit, thinking it’s benign or non-malicious. However, John highlights how unchecked bullshit can cloud judgment, lead to poor decision-making, and have lasting negative impacts. It’s essential for parents to stay vigilant and model skepticism, not to erode trust, but to nurture an atmosphere where truth and logical evaluation are paramount.

Teaching Critical Thinking

In the episode, John shares actionable tips for parents to encourage their teens to become critical thinkers:

• Ask Questions: Encourage teens to think through claims by asking them, “Is that true?” or “Why might that be incorrect?”
• Model Skepticism: Show by example how to question information and sources without being cynical.
• Create a Safe Space: Allow your teen to discuss their ideas and beliefs openly, ensuring they understand it’s okay to be wrong as long as they’re committed to finding the truth.

John also emphasizes the importance of teaching teens to recognize their own susceptibilities to bullshit, which can come from a desire to fit in, sound knowledgeable, or alleviate awkwardness. By making critical thinking a fun and engaging activity, parents can help teens sharpen their bullshit detection skills without feeling attacked or dismissed.

Tackling External Bullshit

Teens today are also vulnerable to external bullshit from influencers, social media, and even certain educational resources. John encourages parents to:

• Discuss Case Studies: Go through dubious claims seen on social media together and break down why they might be misleading or false.
• Encourage Fact-Checking: Teach teens how to verify facts, check sources, and look for credible evidence before accepting claims as true.

Daily Practice

To make critical thinking an integral part of daily life, John suggests engaging in exercises that involve scrutinizing everyday statements and testing claims. This can start with simple issues—like evaluating advertising claims—and build up to more complex discussions, such as analyzing political statements or media reports.

In the Episode...

John and I explore a host of additional topics, including:

• Why experts aren’t always right
• How to ...

Gabe Karp, author of Don’t Get Mad at Penguins, joins us to talk about how we can handle conflict with our teens in healthy ways, stay calm during heated arguments and help teens develop critical communication skills.

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Full show notes

We all have conflicts with our kids. Whether it’s over something big like their college major or something as small as what they’ll eat for breakfast, disagreement is natural. As teens grow into independent thinkers, there’s bound to be some tension in your house. But when your discussions keep turning into a screaming match and doors start slamming left and right...you might find yourself left wondering, is there a better way??

It turns out, disputes with teens don’t have to feel like emotional warfare! With better tools, we can take the friction between us and our teens and turn it into something productive. Although it’s not easy to keep your cool when teens push your buttons, there are some things we can do to avoid escalating the conversation into a toxic argument! If we can bring the right energy to these quarrels, we can create a more peaceful home and strengthen our bonds with teens along the way.

To help us solve our squabbles in a healthy way, we’re talking to Gabe Karp, author of Don’t Get Mad at Penguins: And Other Ways to Detox the Conflict in Your Life and Business. Gabe’s trial lawyer who later joined a small tech start up and helped turn it into one of the biggest companies in the world! As a venture capitalist, he’s negotiated multi-million dollar deals. A powerful businessman and a parent, Gabe knows just how much our conflicts can drag us down if we don’t find healthy ways to handle them.

In the episode, we’re discussing why clashes with teens are a natural part of life, and how you can tackle them in a productive, nontoxic way! Plus, Gabe explains how you can use a “shopping list” voice to keep a conflict from escalating, and why sharing your own experiences with teens can help them feel understood.

Keeping Disagreements Docile

Although we might see conflict as something to be avoided, it’s pretty much inevitable that we’ll squabble with teens, says Gabe. It’s not only a natural part of life, it’s a sign that your teen is developing strong critical thinking skills and confidence! Gabe explains that if we can lean into conflict instead of constantly avoiding it, we can be happier and more successful people. It’s important, however, to distinguish between toxic conflict and nontoxic conflict, he says. While nontoxic conflict pushes us to be more honest and find solutions, toxic conflict simply exists to create more problems.

So how can we take the toxins out of our disagreements? Gabe explains that ego and emotional thinking are typically at the center of this problem, especially for conflicts between parents and kids. When kids say they won’t be home by curfew, we start to get anxious about their safety and frustrated that they won't listen, leading us to get angry or lash out. We feel like they’re challenging our authority, which can bruise our ego! But if we can let go of this kind of thinking, we’ll be able to solve the conflict with calamity instead of yelling or fighting, says Gabe.

It can also be effective to try and remove judgment, Gabe explains. We’re often quick to judge our teen’s friends, as a way of sorting out who’s a good influence and who’s bad news. But if we express these judgments to teens and declare they stop seeing these “bad” friends, they’ll only continue doing it behind our backs. It might even drive them further towards a bad crowd! Gabe suggests keeping these judgments to ourselves, and instead prompt teens to make their own judgments.

In the episode, Gabe shares a particularly interesting method for approaching disagreement with teens, which he calls the “shopping list” voice.

Staying Calm During Conflict

When our kids talk back or break our rules, our first instinct is to often remind them who’s in charge by raising our voice and going on a verbal tirade. However, this not only drives a wedge between the two of you, but also makes it literally impossible for them to process what you’re saying, Gabe explains. When humans feel like we’re under attack, many of our neurological pathways shut down and we can’t take in new information properly. This is typically what goes on in kids’ heads when you’re yelling at them to do better!

Instead Gabe recommends communicating your frustration in what he refers to as a “shopping list” voice. This means talking to your kid in a neutral, matter-of-fact tone, as though you’re reading them a list of the grocery store items you might need. Keeping your tone...

Shane Trotter, author of Setting the Bar, sits down with us to discuss how our technology-obsessed, individualistic culture might be holding our teens back from reaching their full potential.

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Full show notes

Times are changing—and so are teens. The introduction of technology to each aspect of everyday life has fundamentally altered the way teens act, think, and experience the world. Our education system is not the same as it was 20 years ago, and it’s shaping our teens dramatically. Our culture has changed, pushing teens to become more individualistic than ever before. For better or for worse, growing up has become an entirely different experience than the one many of us are familiar with.

For kids, this new world has benefits...but also serious drawbacks. Young people are more connected than ever. They’ve got comforts and conveniences that we never could have dreamt of in our teen years. But rates of teen depression and anxiety are skyrocketing, and many kids feel like they aren’t prepared for the brutal reality of adulthood! For parents watching the world change, it can be nerve-wracking to wonder how we’ll help teens manage.

To understand how our kids can navigate it all, we’re talking to Shane Trotter, author of Setting the Bar: Preparing Our Kids to Thrive in an Era of Distraction, Dependency, and Entitlement. As an educator, writer and parent himself, Shane has found himself observing some seriously concerning behavior from teens–behavior he feels is motivated by the forces of our evolving world. Today, he’s helping us see how we can give kids a fighting chance at a successful life!

In our interview, we’re discussing the fierce individualism of our modern culture, and its effects on growing teens. We’re also discussing bullying, and the surprising reasons why Shane thinks we shouldn’t stop it from happening. Plus, we’re covering where our school system is missing its chance to truly prepare teens for the world ahead.

The Issue of Individualism

We want kids to be their best selves...but what happens when self-improvement becomes self obsession? Shane believes many teens are headed down this path–not because they're inherently selfish, but because our culture puts self-interest above all else! Social media constantly bombards teens with advertisements and influencers telling teens they NEED to get the newest clothes or try the trendiest fitness craze. Over time, teens can become so consumed by consumerism that they turn a blind eye to the possibility of helping others.

But serving others is often the key to happiness, says Shane. Although material gain or changes to our appearance might help us feel good about ourselves, working towards a greater purpose is ultimately the way to a happy existence, he explains. Teens today run the risk of living unfulfilled lives, especially if we are constantly encouraging them to strive only for their own happiness, says Shane. In the episode, Shane and I talk further about encouraging our kids to work towards the betterment of others.

In our discussion about culture, Shane and I also touch on the difference between honor cultures and dignity cultures. Honor cultures push people towards accomplishment, he explains, by rewarding them for their achievements. In a world full of easy digital rewards and distractions, encouraging teens to seek true accomplishment can have a lot of benefits. However, Shane also acknowledges the toxicity of pushing kids towards constant achievement. We also discuss the positive attributes of dignity culture–believing every human has intrinsic value and dignity without needing to prove it. In our interview, we’re talking about how we can take the best parts of each to create balance.

As our culture and technology has evolved, one particular issue that’s taken center stage is bullying–whether it’s online or IRL. Interestingly, Shane doesn’t believe bullying is always a bad thing.

The Surprising Truth About Bullying

We’ve been working towards ending bullying in schools for quite a while...but what is bullying, exactly? Is it physical, verbal or digital? Is a fight between two students bullying? What if it’s an anonymous online post? The lack of subjectivity in defining what bullying really is can be a big problem, says Shane. As we crack down more and more on bullying, our definition of it becomes increasingly lenient, to the point where we might consider any kid to be a bully, Shane explains.

And being marked as a bully can be pretty harmful. Most of the time, kids who are harsh to others at school are behaving this way as a result of patterns in their home life. Instead of labeling kids as ...

Karen Young, founder of the immensely popular psychology blog "Hey Sigmund" talks about how to help teens with anxiety. It starts with listening and not trying to convince them that their feelings are “no big deal”. Then we should teach them about anxiety and how to cope with it.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

An uneasy feeling in their stomach on the way to school. Sweaty hands when they greet their peers. A pounding heartbeat as they’re asked to speak up in front of their class. We all experience some level of anxiety, but for 1 out of every 8 kids, it’s a serious struggle. Nobody likes feeling this way. Luckily, we know how to help a teenager with anxiety.

However, if these symptoms are left untreated in teens, they can develop over time to cause a whole host of problems. In fact, unchecked anxiety can cause your teen to underperform on their exams and prevent them from reaching out to peers and teachers. Even more seriously, overwhelming chronic anxiety can cause your teen to lose their appetite and develop regular cramps and migraines.

So, what can we do to understand how to help a teenager with anxiety?

This week on the podcast I got some incredible insights from Karen Young. After earning an Honors degree in Psychology and a Masters in Gestalt Therapy, Karen spent years working as a therapist helping families and individuals cope with anxiety. In 2016, she published, Hey Warrior, a book for kids about understanding what anxiety is and how to deal with it. Now she runs the immensely popular website, www.heysigmund.com, where her articles have been published on various international sites including Parenting Magazine, The Good Men Project, The Huffington Post, The Mighty, and Yahoo Health.

She founded the website after realizing there was a need for accessible content about anxiety for parents and teens online. Since then, Karen’s work has been translated into a number of languages and read by millions of parents and teenagers around the world. If anyone knows how to help a teenager with anxiety, it’s Karen.

Karen’s research in psychology led her to produce a comprehensive system for dealing with anxiety. She found that understanding how the science works and informing your teen about coping strategies is how to help a teenager with anxiety. There are three key steps to Karen’s method:

1. Validate your teen by taking their problems seriously
2. Teach your teen about why anxiety occurs, and its potential outcomes
3. Help your teen practice coping mechanisms

These methods can help your teen get anxious symptoms under control and even reverse the effects of stress. During the podcast, Karen walked me through how to help a teenager with anxiety using these steps and how they can be applied at home today! Here’s a peek into the process:

How to Help a Teenager with Anxiety: Getting Started

One of the most common emails that Karen receives from teens about their experience with anxiety is that their parents don’t take them seriously. When teens feel sick before an exam, parents might think their child is lying to get out of a problem at school. Other times, parents might dismiss their child’s concerns by saying, “Everything will be okay. It’s no big deal.” This often occurs because parents want to minimize the effect of anxiety rather than amplify these feelings by calling attention to them.

Knowing how to help a teenager with anxiety requires parents to listen to their kids and validate their feelings. At such an important time when adolescents are going through massive changes in their lives, it might seem like they’re blowing every situation out of proportion. But when you tell them, “I understand, please tell me more,” they know you’ve got their back and are taking what they’re saying seriously. If your teen feels heard, they’ll trust you with what’s going on in their life.

When addressing your child’s anxiety, trust allows you to get to the root of their problem. This gives you information about what’s causing your teen’s anxiety, and you can address these problems together.

Even when your teen doesn’t know what’s causing their anxiety, having a parent to consistently talk to can help. The next step is helping them understand what anxiety is.

How to Help a Teenager with Anxiety: Teaching Your Teen

To know how to help a teenager with anxiety, it’s important for both parents and teens to understand that anxiety is actually here to help us. Anxiety is what we call a stress response. Sometimes, it’s helpful...

Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely respond to these counter-intuitive approaches.

If you've enjoyed Talking to Teens, we'd love if you could leave us a five-star rating, and if you have time, a review!

Full show notes

Parenting with patience can be hard when your teen has a snarky, dismissive, or otherwise negative attitude. As teens grow, they don’t want to be babied or feel like they’re being controlled, so they may act out against you to create a sense of distance or even dominance.

It’s certainly not out of the ordinary for teens to have hard days and to be in a bad mood. It becomes a bigger problem when this behavior turns into a habit of breaking rules and violating boundaries. Teens who regularly rebel against your authority could be on the path to a difficult young adulthood where all they know is conflict and hard feelings.

Parenting with patience is a skill that you will learn through practice. If you parent with an iron fist, it probably won’t go well and it may even encourage your teen to rebel even more than they already were. It’s easy to fall into a parenting trap of feeling like you want to punish your teen severely in order to prove a point, but punishments out of spite only start a vicious cycle of resentment and continued bad behavior.

But on the other hand, if you let bad behavior continue, you could hurt both your family life and your teen’s personal life. There needs to be a way to keep peace in your house in a way that doesn’t make your teen feel like they’re being controlled or that you’re being overbearing. Parenting with patience and understanding is probably the best way to both maintain order and also set an amicable atmosphere in the house. This week, I spoke with a mother of 5 who managed to do just that.

Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely respond to these counter-intuitive approaches because they aren’t based on punishment, rather, collaboration in order to fix a problem.

Judy explains the psychology behind why teens rebel and she shows you exactly what you can do to stop the process. After 27 years of being a parent to loving children, her expertise is truly valuable. Come along with me as I learn about non-punitive parenting strategies and gain a better understanding of parenting with a deeper sense of patience.

Using the Right Language to Diffuse Tension

Teenagers often don’t know how to communicate fully. They are still learning how to use their language to express themselves to others. Judy says you should model a more grown up language for a while until your teen gets the hang of it for themselves. When parenting with patience, it’s your job to be the bigger person and set an example for your teen, no matter how badly they behaved.

Think about a time that you had a disagreement that turned into a bigger fight. Write down examples of things your teen says when they are mad that really bother you. Next, write down what your teen should say instead, phrased as an “I-statement.”

To create an “I-statement,” alter the language so that it’s all said in terms of your teenager and how they feel.

For instance, “You’re always nagging me about my chores” might become “I’m unhappy because I have a full schedule and I feel chores are being laid on me.” “You’re so unfair” might be better phrased as “I’m frustrated because I feel the rules are being made without my input.”

An “I-statement” like this is a much more respectful way of expressing your emotions and needs. But your teen is going to need some guidance from you before they master this. Don’t get discouraged! Mistakes are just a part of parenting with patience. Ask your teens to collaborate with you and have them create their own “I-statements.”

Understanding Why Teens Rebel

The rebellious nature of teens can provide a barrier to parenting with patience. Where are some areas in which your teenager is rebelling? Write down as many of the rebellious things your teen is doing as you can think of. Judy told me that rebellion always happens around an issue where the parent has drawn a “line in the sand,” or has made a very firm rule that something will “not be tolerated.” When teens don’t have anything to rebel against, she says, they don’t rebel at all.

Now, spend a f...