Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Michelle Baddeley, author of Copycats and Contrarians, offers a multidisciplinary look at why a teen goes along with the group and when they choose instead to rebel. The key to preventing potentially harmful impulses may lie in a moment of hesitation.

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“I’m not going! Leave without me, I already have plans!” your son yells at you from his bed. It’s a bright and sunny Saturday, and you’re loading the car so that the family can spend a night at your parents’ house. Everyone in the family has known about the trip for a couple weeks and you can’t wait for your kids to spend some time with their grandparents. This reaction, however, comes out of left field. Confused and a little hurt, you try again to get him up to no avail. The third time you try, he claims that he never knew about the trip and made plans with his friends to go to the beach instead.

You relent, leaving him at home as you start the drive to your parents’ house. Reflecting on the events of the morning, you are very surprised that your son reacted so angrily. He knew about the plans to go to his grandparent’s house with the whole family. It seems bizarre and irrational for him to rebel against the set plans of the group. Finally, you think if there are any ways to learn how to handle teenage rebellion so this doesn’t happen again.

Surprisingly, the answer to your teen’s irrational and rebellious behavior can be found in the field of economics. The psychology of economics is strongly rooted in human decision-making skills. In economics, decisions are made by factoring risk and reward for a company as they weigh each potential move. Humans make similar decisions by balancing risk and reward, which is why some people conform to systems or why others rebel against trends.

This week, my guest is Michelle Baddeley, author of the book Copycats and Contrarians: Why We Follow Others... and When We Don’t. Michelle is an expert in behavioral economics at the University of South Australia, and she has spent much of her time investigating the correlations between decision-making and economics. Michelle’s research on group identities and the causes of conformity and rebellion has given her unique insight on how to handle teenage rebellion.

The Psychology of “The Herd”

It can be hard to know how to handle teenage rebellion, and even more challenging to understand why teenagers choose to rebel against order. The lives of teenagers can be crazy, so why do they perpetuate their own chaos by rebelling against the system?

The answer for parents, Michelle says, lies in the social psychology of economics. Michelle mentions something called the Ingroup/Outgroup Hypothesis that dissects the psychology of how we form groups. Generally, there are two ways to go about becoming a member of a group.

1. Through economic investment in the network
2. By forming ingroup affiliations via the rejection of outgroups

A good example of economic investment towards joining a group is getting a tattoo. The amount of money spent on a tattoo signals a commitment to the group, not to mention the permanent effect of getting a tattoo.

On the other hand, forming ingroup affiliations via the rejection of outgroups is simply banding together because of a rejection of other people. For example, your teen son might reject the idea of spending time with family to spend time with friends. He isn’t rejecting the family because he doesn’t like you, but he would rather be a part of the ingroup with his friends than with his family.

This might make sense, but how does this information help parents learn how to handle teenage rebellion? Your son spent the last three weekends hanging with friends. Why doesn’t he ever want to spend time with his family?

Michelle proceeds to serve up some more hot slices of knowledge. When the brain makes a decision to follow “the herd,” the decision is processed through the part of the brain that deals with negative emotions. Conversely, the brain uses positive neurological transmissions to transmit ideas that go against “the herd.”

Essentially, if your son has determined that spending time with family is part of the “herd mentality” and spending time with friends is rebellious, then he will feel rewarded when he spends more time with his friends. In this situation, the idea that he is being rebellious feeds his positive emotions resulting in little time spent with family.

Practical Uses

The behavioral information about teen decision-making is good to know, but how can parents practically apply it when it comes to dealing with how to handle teenage...

Lauren Muhlheim, author of When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder and clinical psychologist, speaks with Andy on spotting and treating eating disorders in teens. Eating disorders are scary, but Lauren tells us that together, families can reduce the dangers and stress eating disorders cause.

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For the average person, there is absolutely nothing frightening about pizza. It’s delicious, cheap to order, and easy to eat! So why might pizza be such a struggle for a teenager with an eating disorder?

Pizza is high in calories and fat, and can be very triggering for someone who constantly obsesses over what they eat. Pizza is also the go-to food for birthday parties, school events, or college activities. It’s one of the most frequently eaten foods in American culture. For a teenager with an eating disorder, adjusting to regular life means eating pizza--and for them, this is isn’t easy.

That’s why we need to take teen eating disorder treatment seriously, and help those suffering from anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating as soon as possible. By waiting too long to address these problems, or letting teenagers struggle with them alone, their physical and mental health can only get worse. It can become so serious that even something as simple as pizza at a school event can become a battleground.

My guest today is Lauren Muhlheim, clinical psychologist and expert on teen eating disorder treatment. She recently authored When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder: Practical Strategies to Help Your Teen Recover from Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating. The book dives into a lot of information about eating disorder recovery, focusing mainly on the idea of family-based treatment.

You may be familiar with the term family therapy, in which a family undergoes treatment together to work out issues they may be having with one another. Although they may sound similar, family therapy and family-based treatment are actually very different. When it comes to teen eating disorder treatment, family therapy focuses on the cause of the disorder, viewing family issues as the underlying problem. This kind of treatment usually only looks at the family as the cause, and places the solution in the hands of residential or other professional treatment. Family based treatment focuses on how families can set up structures and systems to help their teen heal physically and mentally. In this type of therapy, families essentially become the residential treatment; they are the ones who monitor eating, take measures to inhibit purging, or whatever the teenager may need.

This kind of therapy is derived from research done in the U.K. in the 90s, before being brought over to the U.S., to be studied by researchers at Stanford University. Previously, family therapy was the most widely spread treatment for eating disorders, going back as far as the 1600s. For centuries, teenagers have been leaving their homes to get residential treatment for eating disorders, and then returning home only to relapse. Many times, this can be attributed to losing the structure of in-patient therapy and suddenly being left to their own devices. Family based treatment was invented to stop this issue, and is now the most researched form of teen eating disorder treatment.

For parents, the idea of family-based therapy should be encouraging, not disheartening. This means that you are part of the solution, that there are steps you can take to help your child! You have the ability to guide your teenager through this difficult period.

So where can we as parents start when it comes to stopping eating disorders in our homes?

The first step is to watch your teenager closely and take any sign of an eating disorder seriously. One of the most important things to prevent a disorder from worsening, according to Lauren, is to not wait too long. She mentions that some pediatricians or doctors may tell parents to wait for more symptoms to arise before truly taking the disorder seriously, but if a parent waits too long, the disorder can become so bad that it takes a teenager years to recover. This problem is particularly bad when it comes to teens and anorexia. She mentions that there are no negative repercussions for having a talk with your child about eating habits and the possibility of an eating disorders, and that it’s much better to do so then to sit back and allow the problem to unfold.

Lauren says be careful not to be so affected by diet culture that you are more nervous about your teenager gaining weight than losing it. You might regard low weight as positive thing or a sign of health, but it’s important to pay close attention to teenager’s habits to make sure they aren’t treatin...

Paul Tough, NYT bestselling author, shares what he learned in putting together his most recent book The Years That Matter Most. College may have a special place in the American Dream, but Paul enlightens us into what is really happening behind the scenes--it may have you rethinking decisions about higher education.

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College holds a special place in the American Dream. It’s almost every parent’s hope for their kid to receive a four-year education from a United States university and make a name for themself. A college diploma is more than a piece of paper; it’s a marker for status, success, and smarts. It can be a promise of steady income, a supportive social network, and opportunities to continue moving upward. College is also a social rite of passage alongside a mind-broadening four-year journey. But the truth is, that piece of paper is becoming more and more inaccessible every year.

Getting into college seems to be an existentially taxing endeavor in and of itself. Sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds stress over the SAT and ACT as if the scores signify their worth as a person or determine the entirety of their future. When they’re that young, it can be easy to believe a single test will make or break their destiny and get wrapped up in test-related anxieties. With all the negative side effects these exams have on teenagers, people are beginning to wonder should students take standardized tests?

Parents too can have a difficult time helping their teens find the right college fit. It’s becoming normal for parents to go gray trying to find ways to afford higher education and getting their kids into a “good” college by stressing themselves over their teen’s academic performance. Even financial aid seems to be an elusive privilege to the families who need it most, and student loans loom darkly in the future. With the stress of taking standardized tests, finances, and social pressures from all sides, one question is on everyone’s mind: Is college worth it? And should students take standardized tests?

For the answer to these questions and a closer look at the college admissions process, I spoke with this week’s podcast guest, Paul Tough. In his most recent book, The Years that Matter Most: How College Makes or Break Us, Paul takes an unflinching stance on the reality of higher education in America to show readers the truth about colleges and universities. From SAT scores to post-graduation salaries, Paul’s extensive research begs (and answers) the question should students take standardized tests?

Admissions: Not As Easy As You Would Think

In an ideal world, merit would be the ultimate deciding factor when it comes to who colleges and universities choose to admit. But with an increasingly expanding pool of candidates and a finite amount of resources, it’s far more complicated than you’d think. It’s a mix of grades, standardized test scores, extracurricular involvement, socioeconomic standing, and more. It varies from institution to institution, so there’s no one blanket statement that could properly encapsulate just how varied the standards are. So the answer to the questions should students take standardized tests is a bit complicated.

Written over the course of six years, Paul’s book is packed with studies, research, and interviews with people all across the spectrum of higher education. He recounts the stories of low-income students at leading universities like Princeton and Yale while offering insights from leading SAT tutors, recruiting agents from top banks and law firms, and more. All his findings point to one conclusion—one that might be disheartening to many: When it comes to college, money matters. So should students take standardized tests even though wealth may be a bigger factor in determining what college they get into?

Struggling colleges and top institutions alike are constantly looking for ways to fund their expensive programs, meaning they look for students from high-income families who’re likely to be solid donors down the road. Furthermore, some institutions may not even prefer a student who is high-performing to high-paying. But why? Wealth is paramount to a plethora of educational institutions.

For instance, a university may very well prefer to admit a high-income student who is an average performing (or even poorly performing) student rather than a high-performing student from a low-income standing. Why? It’s a better investment to admit the average student who they know can afford full tuition rather than the exceptional student who will need help paying for the full tuition. Furthermore, wealthy parents beget wealthy students who therefore will be more likely t...

Joshua Wayne, author of new book The Simple Parenting Guide to Technology, clues Andy in on the latest statistics and solutions to teens’ addiction to technology. Plus, how to adjust your rules--or set them--during the coronavirus pandemic.

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Viewing Life From a Screen

Did you know the average teen spends over seven hours a day in front of a screen? And no—that doesn’t include mandatory screen time for school research, Zoom classes, and online assignments. The average teen screen time of seven hours a day is spent on video games, apps, social media, and other forms of aimless web browsing. Passive entertainment is taking up more and more of teens’ free time every day. In fact, some researchers estimate that teens spend as much as 40% of their life in front of a screen. This is a worrisome statistic for parents—and anyone invested in the next generation for that matter.

The teenage years are critical for cognitive brain development, forming positive relationships, and practicing social skills. So what happens if your teenager is stunting their cognitive development by staying up hours into the night playing video games, Snapchatting, and scrolling through Instagram? This oversaturization can have lasting negative effects on a teen’s brain. So should parents reduce the average teen screen time? Considering how much social media and other screen-based activities play a role in a teen’s social life—especially since COVID-19 has postponed many in-person activities—parents have to walk a fine line when monitoring their teens’ technology use. So what should parents do to balance phone and TV time with in person interactions?

This week I spoke with expert Joshua Wayne, author of The Simple Parenting Guide to Technology, to discuss how parents can monitor the average teen screen time. Wayne’s book provides parents with incredibly practical ways to approach screen time, and with COVID-19 spurring a massive increase in virtual connectivity, his perspective is more valuable now than ever. In our interview, Wayne explains how to create and implement a technology agreement and how it can be used to set guidelines for the average teen screen time.

Big Tech Problems

Technology has brought us access to a wealth of information we would otherwise have to search libraries upon libraries for. Think about how you would accomplish a book report on Abraham Lincoln and the Civil War when you were a teen and computers and smartphones didn’t exist. You had to go to the library and check out four different books to compile enough information for your report. And then you’d have to write the whole thing without spellcheck—what a pain! In comparison, having access to this information instantly and without having to leave home saves us so much time. Wayne firmly believes that technology has brought more good than bad and that it’s here to stay. Fighting for the average teen screen time to be zero is not only futile, but unrealistic and impractical.

So with that in mind, should parents reduce the average teen screen time? Generally speaking, yes, but the amount and way it’s limited is up to the individual family. Wayne knows all families have different levels of reliance on technology. For a family with two kids heavily involved in varsity sports who aren’t particularly reliant on their phone, setting a two-hour limit per day works. However, for the family of a teen who isn’t big on extracurriculars but spends their time learning how to code software by watching YouTube videos, a four-hour limit a day is more realistic.

In this interview, Wayne uses a few simple guiding rules to help you decide what screen time limits are best for your specific situation. Parents need to acknowledge that the average teen screen time is seemingly high partially because of how important social media is to your kids. Although you might have Instagram or Facebook yourself, you might be wondering why your teen needs to waste their entire day messaging on social media and Snapchatting their friends. However, they might actually be having extremely meaningful conversation and developing strong bonds with their friends on these apps. These conversations have become even more precious to teens since the COVID-19 outbreak has prevented them from seeing their friends at school or on the weekends. They’re starved of a social outlet and what’s filling this gap is social media. It may be frustrating to see them on their phone constantly but ultimately, if your teen’s screen ti...

Annie Grace, author of This Naked Mind and The Alcohol Experiment, dispels myths around alcohol with Andy and reveals her number one method for talking to teens about drinking.

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Drinking alcohol is a significant part of Western culture. Of Americans over 18, 86.3% say that they’ve tried alcohol and 55.3% report that they drink regularly. Nowhere is alcohol more culturally expected than in young adulthood. It’s almost assumed that college students will experiment with alcohol, and teenagers are becoming more and more likely to try alcohol before reaching adulthood.

But it’s nothing to worry about, right? Alcohol isn’t that dangerous, is it? Unfortunately, the science says otherwise. In a recent federal report which rated the harmfulness of various drugs, alcohol was rated far and wide the most dangerous drug, with heroin coming in far behind in second and crack in third.

How is this possible? The study examined the widespread dangers of different drugs on society as a whole, looking at how many people face serious damage from using. Alcohol is by far the deadliest, killing approximately 88,000 Americans a year. All illegal drugs combined kill about 22,000 a year, while pharmaceuticals kill 24,000. If we combine these two numbers, we can see that the amount of deaths caused by all other drugs is only around half of those caused by alcohol.

And yet, most people are more informed about the various risks of taking Advil than they are about the dangers of alcohol! Our guest today, Annie Grace, is determined to change this. She’s the author of the book This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness and Change Your Life.

The book is all about how to stop alcoholism with one simple tool--education. Annie dives into her own individual journey in the episode: how she developed a drinking problem in her mid twenties, how she tried all the traditional avenues of fixing the issue to no avail until finally, she decided to find her own unique way to tackle her alcoholism.

She asked herself and many, many others every question she could think of concerning alcohol use in order to get to the bottom of why we drink so much in America and how to stop. Does alcohol really help you to relieve stress? Is it truly an effective way to combat social anxiety? When Annie really took the time to become educated on the topic she found that, in the long run, alcohol actually ends up hurting those who consume it much more than it helps. Most of the time, drinking worsened the very problems people were using alcohol to solve.

Armed with this knowledge, Annie no longer felt the need to drink. Instead of fighting alcoholism the traditional way, a way in which the journey is viewed as a torturous uphill battle, Annie simply looked at the pros and cons and decided that there were no good reasons to keep drinking. In fact, she found that not drinking was a much more positive experience, so she just stopped doing it one day and never looked back.

Positivity plays a big role in Annie’s approach to curbing alcoholic behavior. Annie talks about how rarely we acknowledge the power of positivity when it comes to changing our habits. Instead of focusing on everything you’re giving up when you give up drinking, think instead about what you’re gaining: long term health, peace of mind, and freedom from addiction.

Annie took these ideas and compiled them into a pdf, which she then put online, expecting only friends and family to read it. Instead, the pdf was downloaded over 20,000 times in two weeks. After months of requests from fans of the pdf, Annie self published a book which contains all her experiences and methods. The book experienced great popularity, and became subject to a bidding war between five major publishers. Along with publishing another book, she also has a podcast, a website (thealcoholexpirement.com), and has been featured in Forbes, the Chicago Tribune, and more. People everywhere have begun adopting Annie’s strategy as an alternative to traditional treatment.

That’s because traditional treatment has a lot of issues, many of which we discuss in the episode. There’s a lot of things we believe about alcohol which—-according to Anna--are serious misconceptions. One of the biggest ones Annie and I discuss is the illusion of a binary system of classification when it comes to diagnosing alcoholism. As a society, we tend to separate people into two categories: alcoholic and non-alcoholic. This labeling causes a lot more problems than it solves.

One of the main issues with this is that it dissuades people from getting help. People a...