Getting Validation: How to Be a Star Not a Black Hole or Red Flag

03/25/24 • 41 min

Today we're talking all about where we get our validation, and what happens when we only look for it externally without giving it to ourselves.
Ever get that feeling that you, or someone you're with, just can't really take in approval? Maybe compliments slide off uncomfortably, or they seem to do absolutely nothing for our self-image. Maybe we feel desperate for attention, affirmation, or we tend to wait for someone else to make decisions. Or maybe we feel the opposite -- like we are entitled to approval for every single thing and we have a hard time taking even gentle feedback.
These are all patterns that stem from withholding validation from ourselves. It not only feels awful from the inside, it's also really challenging for romantic partners. It can be a big red flag in relationships, especially if taken to extremes. The good news is that most people can learn how to decrease the intensity of these patterns by learning to give ourselves more approval -- and it feels amazing when we do.
Episode 9 breaks down validation-seeking behavior patterns. I'll cover what to look for in yourself or others, what's in your power to fix and what's not. I'll also show you how to start working with your own validation-seeking behaviors so you can better accept approval from yourself and others, and let it feel really good.
To get the vagus nerve exercises referenced in this episode (and other free resources), go to https://laurajurgens.com and get on the email newsletter. Opt-out anytime.
Here are the topics for today:
Defining Validation

The Spectrum of Validation-Seeking

Why You're Not Weird or Lame for Needing Approval
Socialized Patterns in Approval-Seeking by Gender

Approval-Seeking Gone Wild, Validation Black Holes and Red Flags

Impact on Relationships

The Way Out of Misery: Repairing the Relationship with Ourselves

A First Step Exercise

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

03/25/24 • 41 min

Sex Help for Smart People - Getting Validation: How to Be a Star Not a Black Hole or Red Flag

Transcript

[00:00:23] Hello, lovely people. Welcome to Episode 9. We're talking today about how and where we look for and get our validation. A lot of people, including past me, use relationships, intimacy, or sex for validation in various different ways. It's not all bad, and doing it a little doesn't make us unhealthy, but there is a slippery slope... and some pitfalls to avoid.

[00:00:57] So we'll go through those and look at how we can address these patterns, why they c

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