Sex Help for Smart People

Episode 10 is all about when and how to talk to your partner about sex. If you're dating, considering dating, or in a relationship, don't miss this one. It will take the guesswork out and keep you from a lot of disappointment.
Many of us spin out in worry about finding the "right time;" avoid talking about important sexual needs, desires, or challenges out of fear or shame; or just blurt out our issues whenever we feel urgent about it. None of these approaches will help you get what you want and need from your partner. This episode gives you the guidance you need to avoid these common communication pitfalls.
We’re going to cover good times and bad times to talk about sex, including what kinds of topics work (and don’t work) when you’re in the middle of getting it on.
I’ll also teach you the 3 key concepts to help conversations on sensitive subjects go more smoothly. Practicing these will help you and your partner feel heard, enable better connection, make empathy more likely, and avoid conflict.
From the episode, the baseline questions I suggest everyone cover with sex partners periodically are below. Consider these a starting point.

1. What would make sex extra amazing for your partner? For you?
2. What would you both like more of?
3. How do you both like to be invited to sexy times?
4. What kind of flirting feels really good to you and them?
5. How do you like to be escalated with? (That is, moving from flirting to touch, initiating kissing, escalating to making out, moving from making out to removing clothes, initiating genital touch, etc.)
6. How do your genitals particularly like to be touched?
7. What helps you get off?
8. What gets in the way of your arousal or hinders your orgasm?
9. How do you know when sexy times are over? What do you like as a check in for when you’d like to wrap up or end sex?
10. What kind of aftercare do you like? (That is, when the sexy times do come to a close, how can you support each other to come down from that in a gentle, connected way? Is there anything your partner should know about how you feel after sex? For example, some people cry, meditate, get very quiet, sleepy, sweaty, etc. and all of that is okay but good to know!)

Plus these basic logistical questions:

1. When were you last STI tested and what were the results?
2. How many partners do you currently have and what are your safety practices with them?
3. Do you want to be non-monogamous or monogamous and how do you like to organize that?
4. How do you define and communicate around monogamy or non-monogamy?

To register for the April 12, 2024 30-min webinar on De-Escalating Stress in the Body, for only $10, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/events

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

Episode 8 is the first in a series about Relationship Skills. We're starting with the fundamental skill of self-attunement. This is the simple practice of tuning into our emotional activation level to understand where we're at and what we're available for.
It's simple, and doesn't take long. It is also a game-changer for your relationships, whether with yourself or with everyone else in your life.
What is self-attunement?

Most of us struggle to maintain a deep connection during daily life and when we interact with others. Self-attunement is about being "home" to ourselves, staying connected to our needs and sensations rather than being solely outward-focused.

I'll walk you through a simple exercise to drop into your body, assess your emotional activation on a 0 to 10 scale, and be present to your own experience. This exercise can be done anytime, anywhere, and serves as a foundation for deeper self-awareness and authenticity.

Benefits of Self-Attunement:

• Self-attunement enhances authenticity and empowers us to make decisions aligned with our true desires.
• It improves our ability to connect with others by fostering genuine presence and understanding.
• Self-attunement also aids in setting boundaries and navigating challenging conversations with clarity and composure.

Practical Applications:

• Self-attune before engaging with others, especially in intimate or emotionally charged situations.
• Use self-attunement to regulate your capacity for decision-making and avoid acting impulsively under emotional stress.
• Employ self-attunement to empathize with others and defuse tense situations.
• Share the practice of self-attunement with friends or partners to foster mutual understanding and support.

Conclusion:

• Self-attunement is a powerful tool for cultivating self-awareness, authenticity, and meaningful connections in all aspects of life. It also helps us not be jerks to ourselves or other people.
• By integrating this simple practice, you can boost your emotional intelligence, as well as the fulfillment you feel in your connections with yourself and others.

For more free resources, to get on my newsletter and to get access to upcoming webinars, join my list at https://laurajurgens.com/ (opt out anytime).

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

This episode covers when to see a therapist and when to seek out coaching, strengths and weaknesses of both (because all modalities have pros and cons), and what to watch out for. I'll also go over different types of therapy and different types of coaching, and which versions are good for what situations and challenges, in my perspective.
This is part of a series of sessions that aim to help you understand the various options for help available to you.

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

This is a special one. It's both vulnerable and also really satisfying. I’m sharing my story of the 8 key processes that helped me heal from dissociation and PTSD that I accrued from various traumas, including sexual assault, child abuse, homelessness, bullying and harassment.
It's never the same path for everyone, but I hope that this episode will inspire you to try out some of these approaches or understand better how to support loved ones. If you are feeling stuck, have genital numbness, feel disconnected from your body and/or your sexuality, are dissociated, depressed/anxious, or lost in people-pleasing (fawning) in your life, sexuality, and relationships -- this is for you.
I'm sharing the 8 critical steps that helped me heal PTSD and shift into post-traumatic growth, embodiment, and joyful freedom.
Resources Mentioned:
Vagus Nerve exercises: Get on the newsletter here for the vagus nerve exercise video along with other free resources like the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.myflodesk.com/wheel

The Feelings Wheel

Tara Brach's compassion meditation

Books:

No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk (video synapsis here)

Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma, and In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine

Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve by Stanley Rosenberg

Videos:

Peter Levine on Trauma and Somatic Experiencing
Trauma Release Method/ Trauma Release Exercises

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

What is your relationship to physical pleasure? Today is all about investigating this question so you can experience more of it. We'll talk about how you can boost pleasure, dive in to how desire and arousal get confused with pleasure, and how to focus on what really brings deep satisfaction.

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.