Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra - 287: Darcey Steinke on menopause, changing bodies, & a new way forward

287: Darcey Steinke on menopause, changing bodies, & a new way forward

Explicit content warning

12/01/19 • 55 min

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Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra

tl;dr Darcey Steinke on menopause, changing bodies, & a new way forward MENOPAUSE! It's a thing loads of us go through that's fraught with misinformation, silence, shame, and PATRIARCHY. So, this week, I'm chatting with author Darcey Steinke about her new book, "Flash Count Diary: Menopause and the Vindication of Natural Life". I had a chance to read the book and chat about it with some friends in a queer elders book club I'm in. Darcey and I dive into the ways menopause is vilified by the modern medical industrial complex, the stories we don't have, and what she discovered along the way around pleasure, sex, and changing bodies. We acknowledge that this episode is cis and hetero centric as it's a largely about Darcey's memoir. If you're looking for some resources for other kinds of bodies and genders, head to dawnserra.com/ep287 for a few to check out. You can grab "Flash Count Diary" wherever books are sold. Patreons, don't miss my bonus chat with Darcey just for you! You'll hear a moving story of how and why Darcey found inspiration in killer whales as she moved through menopause and what we can learn about changing bodies from these fierce mammals. It was one of my favorite parts of the book, too! The bonus is for folks who support at $3 per month and above, and you can hear it at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. Have questions of your own you'd like featured on the show? Send me a note using the contact form in the navigation above! Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram. About Darcey Steinke: Darcey Steinke is the author of the memoir Easter Everywhere and five novels: Sister Golden Hair, Milk, Jesus Saves, Suicide Blonde, and Up Through the Water. Her books have been translated into ten languages, and her nonfiction has appeared widely. Her web story “Blindspot” was a part of the 2000 Whitney Biennial. She has been both a Henry Hoyns and a Stegner Fellow, and a Writer-in-Residence at the University of Mississippi. She has taught at the New School, Columbia University School of the Arts, New York University, Princeton, and the American University of Paris. She lives with her husband in Brooklyn. Stay in touch with Darcey at darceysteinke.com and on Instagram. Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

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Hearing from you is the best Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous) Episode Transcript Head to dawnserra.com/ep287 for the full transcript.

Listen and subscribe on iTunes
Check us out on Stitcher
Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
Pop over to Google Play
Use the player at the top of this page.
Tune in on Spotify.
Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous) Episode Transcript Head to dawnserra.com/ep287 for the full transcript.

Previous Episode

286: Exploring bisexuality, life after rape, Hashimoto's & dating

tl;dr Can someone explore their bisexuality while being in a monogamous relationship? Do things get better after you've been raped? How can you balance body positivity with Hashimoto's and how can you tell a potential date about your health issues?

Patrons who support at $3 and above, you're invited to join the Explore More book club. We are meeting in December to discuss Jenny Odell's "How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy", so check out my new post at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. Also, your bonus this week is some fun journal prompts and questions about food and pleasure. Be sure to grab it!

On with this week's episode.

TJ has been diagnosed with Hashimoto's which is an auto immune disorder. After a lifetime of trying to be accepting of their body, now their body is changing. How can they balance a restricted diet without giving into diet culture?

And, if you're just starting to date again, how do you tell someone about your health issues? When is the right time to tell them about a disease or a disorder?

MJ is exploring her bisexuality, but there's a problem. She's in a monogamous relationship. Her partner is open to them trying a threesome, but MJ wants to try sex with a woman on her own just to see what's it like. Can she do that?

This also opens the door for us to talk about the ways we treat people when we want to experiment with our sexuality or try a threesome - often we treat folks like objects to use for our pleasure. How can we do better? What kind of complexity do we need to grapple with if we're seriously considering trying something like this?

Finally, N wrote in. She was raped and then betrayed by someone she cared deeply about. After a suicide attempt, N is in counselling and struggling. Does life get better? Do the nightmares and the fear and the PTSD get better? Is there hope for intimacy and being able to be touched?

Let's talk about the realities of living in a body after trauma and what healing can look like inside of these very broken systems we're in.

Also, huge thanks to Hemlock for their awesome song "Firelight" which was used in this episode between questions. I'm digging it!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram. About Dawn Serra: What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives. In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence. It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia. Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

Listen and subscribe on iTunes
Check us out on Stitcher
Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
Pop over to Google Play
Use the player at the top of this page.
Stream it on Spotify
Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Episode Transcript

Visit dawnserra.com/ep286 for the transcript.

Next Episode

288: Squirting and incontinence, men who don't like sex, & large breasts

tl;dr Abuse in polyamory. Can squirting cause incontinence? Are there men who don't like sex? How to have sex with someone with large breasts? Patrons who support at $3 and above, there's a new bonus at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. It's a listener question about first time sex, birth control, and deep throating. Tune in to hear it and thanks for supporting the show financially. This week’s episode is you and me and your emails. Before we get to that, a few announcements. First, I am in two new books. You can find an essay I wrote almost 2 years ago in the recently released "Sex Positive Now" anthology and I have been turned into a comic character for Meg-John Barker's soon to be released "Gender: A Graphic Guide". Pre-order yours today! This week, I am also bringing our attention to two articles about abuse in polyamory that I think offer important questions for us all to hold. Head to dawnserra.com/ep288 for the links. We need to hold ourselves and each other accountable for the ways we are doing relationship, and unfortunately much of the mainstream polyamory/non-monogamy advice just doesn't hold the nuance that's needed for people who have trauma, who experience mental illness, and a whole host of other realities. On to your questions! First up, Cathryn wrote in with some really sweet messages about discovering the podcast. Next, Sofia wrote in about squirting and incontinence. Can squirting lead to incontinence? I got input from several pelvic floor therapists, and though the answer is more complicated, the overall sense is yes, it can. We explore why in the episode. Then, Jose asks, “Am I the only guy who doesn't like sex?" But the thing is, Jose has a thriving sex life - with himself. It's partnered sex he doesn't care for, so we explore asexuality, masculinity myths, and why it's perfectly normal and OK to prefer sex with yourself. Finally, Breast Distress has a new partner who has large breasts. How can she become a better at sex with someone who has large breasts, especially when it's something she's never done before? Also, huge thanks to Hemlock for their awesome song "Firelight" which was used in this episode between questions. I'm digging it! Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram. About Dawn Serra: What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives. In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence. It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia. Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real