Why do I struggle to orgasm?

01/31/22 • 16 min

Ever asked yourself: Why do I struggle to orgasm? You're not alone! Many women struggle to orgasm - the official numbers range from 30-46% who fail to experience it regularly. 10% of sexually active women are reportedly unable to orgasm at all. Perhaps you're one of them. And maybe you're feeling frustrated that you never experience that explosive joy that you're always reading about and seeing in the movies. So today, I want to explore 8 of the most common reasons that hold us back. You're Not Broken There are some rare medical conditions and medications that can make it difficult for women to achieve orgasm, but the vast majority of us are absolutely capable of experiencing them. So, you are not broken. There is nothing wrong with your body. Plus, before we dive in, I'd like to mention that orgasm isn't everything. Sex can be intensely pleasurable without orgasm at all. It should be seen as a journey, not focusing only on this end goal. Why do I struggle to orgasm? Here are 8 of the most common reasons: 1. Sexual Repression We live in a sexually toxic and sexually violent culture. That adds to the subconscious fear that we carry inside. We are made to feel that enjoying sex is sinful, dirty, wrong and shameful. 2. Overthinking We are stuck in our heads. Tired. Stressed out. Anxious. So many people are demanding of us. Our heads are full and we can't relax and get into our bodies. 3. Sexual Trauma There may have been some form of abuse in your past. Even times when you have let someone penetrate you before you were ready can add to this barrier. 4. Lack of Education We were never really taught about our bodies - especially our genitals. We were never taught about the different kinds of orgasms we're capable of, nor how to experience them. And many women feel embarrassed about self-pleasure, so have never taken the time to learn about what THEY personally like. 5. Negative Body Image If you feel uncomfortable in your skin, it's hard to feel sexy. If your focus is on hiding your cellulite it is difficult to relax and enjoy the pleasure in your body. 6. Scared To Let Go The thought of losing control can be terrifying if you've never done it. Even allowing yourself to make noise can be a challenge. 7. Pressure To Perform Sex has become very goal-oriented. But the very act of chasing your orgasm can make it elusive. And once you've given up on your own orgasm it can feel easier just to fake a performance so you don't hurt your partner's feelings. 8. Embarrassed to Communicate We often worry about what our partner will think of us if we tell them what you really want. It can feel impossible to get the words out of your mouth. So we end up not asking at all. Feeling Safe It is essential for your nervous system to relax so that you feel safe on a subconscious level. So try not to feel annoyed with yourself if any of these ring true for you. Your body is responding in a totally normal and understandable way considering your unique set of circumstances. What Can You Do? Explore your fears and subconscious conditioning. Educate yourself! Learn about your body! Explore your unique vulva and vagina. And discover what she likes! Did any of these reasons resonate with you? Let me know in the comments below. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/save-that-spark/message

Previous Episode

How to talk about Swinging: with Dee McDonald

Ever wondered how to talk about swinging with your partner? Then this episode is for you! Tune in to listen to the second part of my conversation with Dee McDonald. Dee is a psychotherapist, relationship counsellor, sexual empowerment coach, researcher, and writer on non-monogamies and recreational sex. She helps couples to negotiate different aspects of their lives, when they've hit a block, or when they want to improve or change the direction of their relationship in some way. Dee has always viewed sex as a holistic experience and finds that the misperception of what sex is, and increasing dependence on genital sex is a common reason many people choose to visit a sex therapist. Dee has published research about swinging and also has her own experience. How to talk about Swinging It's a tricky conversation to start. But, it's sad to imagine a life without ever broaching the subject if this is something that you are curious about. Dee encourages deep, curious questioning as an ongoing practice within a relationship. It's something that couples tend to do when they first get into a relationship but tends to wear away after a while. Find one question to ask and dig down - on an almost daily basis. 2. Start talking about fantasies 3. Share ideas that you would like to put into practice - or not put into practice. Begin by bringing the subject up gently and lightly, being mindful that this may be the first time your partner has considered swinging. This goes for any new sexual activity. Perhaps introduce it as a fantasy, and then perhaps explore swinger websites together after some time. Consider the experience a collaboration and approach it with curiosity and no solid end goal. That will help both parties to feel the most comfortable. Dee's website. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/save-that-spark/message

Next Episode

What is impact play?

Ever wondered - what is impact play? Perhaps you’ve dabbled in a little spanking – or picked up a cute leather whip from a bachelorette one time. Maybe you’re curious about all the fuss around spanking – and you have to know why anyone would want to spank or be spanked! And... how you can get in on that action too! Good! This episode is going to give you answers to all of this! Spanking workshop! I spent Saturday at a spanking workshop run by Ms Kitten who is based in Cape Town. And I even managed to persuade Gavin to join! While he was a bit reluctant about the more hippy (yet very helpful stuff) like synchronised breathing and eye gazing – we had a great time and learnt so much. We walked away with warm bums and smiles on our faces! So today, I want to give you a beginner's guide to impact play – which includes spanking – so you can see that it’s much more than just giving your lover a whack. And that it can be a gateway to deep intimacy and super-heightened sensation. What is impact play? Impact play is a form of consensual sexual play where someone receives some form of physical impact. And of course, that is a very broad term. It can include spanking, flogging, whipping, caning and more. I’ll explain all of those terms in just a second. Play can vary widely in intensity – ranging from light taps that kinda tickle, to strikes that cause deep tissue bruising and draw blood. We’re going to focus on the less intense kinds of impact play today. Sounds kind of scary! There’s no doubt that impact play sounds a bit intimidating – and that can be part of the fun. But it’s important to understand that there are risks involved – even if you just fancy putting your partner over your knee and tanning there behind. So, today, I’m going to guide you through WHY anyone would want to try impact play – eg the pleasure side, we’ll also talk about the pain aspect, how to reduce risk – and then how to play! So that if someone ever asks you, what the heck is impact play – you’ll be able to bring them up to speed! We’re going to call the person receiving the impact the bottom, and the person giving the impact the top. Ready? Let’s get stuck in! Is it fun? Ohhh yes! But of course, this is very subjective. There are lots of different reasons that people enjoy impact play – let’s look at some of these here. It’s exciting – a break from the norm, getting out of the rut of missionary --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/save-that-spark/message