EP6: Walking on Eggshells

Explicit content warning

12/14/20 • 84 min

Alicia reveals to Rohini that she felt completely blindsided by Mateo's unhappiness in their relationship. She blames Mateo and struggles to examine her own role in the status of the relationship. Rohini helps Alicia to let go of judgments that create the experience of shame for her so she can peel back the layers of denial and see how her reactivity has been pushing Mateo away.
With her guard down, Alicia begins to explore her inner experience and how her own emotions, not Mateo's, can give her warning signals regarding her state of mind, and her need to take care of herself when her mood drops. Rohini explains how having the understanding that our internal experience is created from within, doesn't mean behaviors can't change, but shifts in behavior result from internal shifts in understanding and are much more likely when there is goodwill in the relationship.
Alicia experiences greater freedom when she realizes she is not responsible for what Mateo is feeling. If she can stop working so hard trying not upset him, she'll reduce the resentment that has built up from all that hard work not going anywhere. By realizing she's not responsible, she can eliminate the feeling of walking on eggshells, and contribute to creating a feeling of goodwill in the relationship. Not feeling guilty and responsible, leaves a person feeling more open-hearted.
This episode explores:

A shift in understanding is necessary for behavioral change.
It is okay to be on the learning curve of navigating difficult emotions.
Self-care is the first priority when experiencing upset.
We all live in separate realities - life looks different through our separate lenses
Seeing psychological innocence in others helps reduce blame and resentment. We are all only ever doing our best given how we see things.
Shifting the focus from blame to seeing the role of state of mind in relationships.

Show notes
Tenderization: A new coaching term Angus has created to describe one's guard coming down.
Hot potato: A party game that involves players gathering in a circle and tossing a small object such as a beanbag or even a real potato to each other while music plays. The player who is holding the object when the music stops is eliminated.
Carte blanche: Complete freedom to act as one wishes or thinks best.
Teflon: A brand of non-stick pans, i.e. being immune to someone else's reactivity.
Podcast music
Rewilding Love features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles based Master drummer, multi-instrumentalist, and composer Greg Ellis, born and raised in the Bay Area. Episode 6 includes selections from: Violet/Balance; Blue/Calm; Orange/Nourishment; Yellow/Clarity.
Feedback: [email protected]
Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: TheRewilders.org.

A shift in understanding is necessary for behavioral change.
It is okay to be on the learning curve of navigating difficult emotions.
Self-care is the first priority when experiencing upset.
We all live in separate realities - life looks different through our separate lenses
Seeing psychological innocence in others helps reduce blame and resentment. We are all only ever doing our best given how we see things.
Shifting the focus from blame to seeing the role of state of mind in relationships.

Previous Episode

EP5: Sparring Over Being a Victim

Mateo reveals that he does in fact want the relationship to work, but only if Alicia changes. Angus points Mateo toward the fact that his experience is created from within, independent of Alicia, and that ultimately she cannot touch his wellbeing. Mateo is reluctant but is starting to see the role that his mood plays in how he interprets Alicia’s actions.
Angus points out that Mateo is a deep-thinker, which can be a great thing, except when used against oneself. Mateo can see how his over-analysis, and painful thinking, is begetting more painful thinking that’s leading him to shut himself down in the presence of Alicia. He wants to feel more free, to be able to come home and kiss Alicia and talk about their day, but he thinks by opening that door, he leaves himself vulnerable to Alicia wreaking havoc on his mood. Now that he’s beginning to see where his experience is coming from, there is a glimmer of hope that Mateo might open himself up again in the relationship.
This episode explores:

The futility of trying to change someone else. This leads to hostility and resentment.
The impact of state of mind on our experience.
Righteousness doesn't allow room for understanding.
The power of recognizing you feel the thoughts you identify with.
One person in a couple making a shift can create change within the relationship.
We can be victimized by our own habitual thoughts.
The nature of thought is to settle, the mind is designed to return to peace.
Suffering is chronic and continuous when we identify with low mood thinking.
Recognizing when we can trust our thinking is a game-changer.
Angus reveals his own misunderstanding when he and Rohini first adopted their dog.

Podcast music: Rewilding Love features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles based Master drummer, multi-instrumentalist, and composer Greg Ellis, born and raised in the Bay Area.
Ep. 5 includes selections from: Violet/Balance; Blue/Calm; Orange/Nourishment; Yellow/Clarity.
Show notes
Viktor Frankl: An author, neurologist, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor who wrote "Man's Search for Meaning".
Tale of woe: a sad story; a list of personal problems; an excuse for failing to do something.
Funfair: British way of referring to a fair.Feedback: [email protected]

Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: TheRewilders.org.

Next Episode

EP7: An Insight About Wellbeing

Mateo experiences a dramatic shift in perspective. By exploring some of his more irrational thoughts about Alicia, he begins to see how the discord in their relationship is a "monster of his own making." Low moods look for something (or someone) they can hang themselves on. But as soon as we start to blame someone else for our feelings, we disempower ourselves and become the victim to the very thing (or person) we're blaming.
We find out Mateo wants this relationship to work, and he played the divorce card out of fear of getting hurt, not a desire for the relationship to end. Unsigned divorce papers enable him to remain in the relationship, with one foot out the door. Angus points out that not only does that take a great deal of energy, but that also there's no way for them to explore whether to remain in the relationship if Mateo isn't fully in it.
Mateo wants to know how he can practice this understanding in real-time and Angus explains he needs to have his own insight about what will work best for him. Mateo sees that he needs to show up to the relationship without such a busy mind -- allowing himself to experience Alicia with a fresh outlook. But is Mateo too late?
This episode explores the following:

It’s easier to be all-in in a relationship than to have one foot out the door -- it takes a great deal of energy to live in limbo.
It only takes one person to get this understanding for there to be a shift in the relationship.
Not taking each other's flare-ups personally leads to more goodwill.
When we’re in a low mood it is easy to look outside of ourselves to try and find the cause of that low mood. That is why we tend to blame those who are nearest and dearest to us.
Learned conditioning isn’t who we are.
Trust your heart, that’s where the gold is.

Show notes
Paint yourself into a corner: to create a predicament or unpleasant situation for oneself whereby there are no or very few favorable solutions or outcomes.

Pavlovian response: refers to the physician, Ivan Pavlov, who conducted experiments that demonstrated the conditioned response, or the theory of classical conditioning.

Napa Valley: beautiful wine country in California, or a really annoying reference your partner makes.
Podcast music

Rewilding Love features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles based Master drummer, multi-instrumentalist, and composer Greg Ellis, born and raised in the Bay Area. Episode 7 includes selections from: Violet/Balance; Blue/Calm; Orange/Nourishment; Yellow/Clarity.
Feedback: [email protected]
Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: TheRewilders.org.