24: Why We Lie and How to Get Back to the Truth with Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson

Explicit content warning

02/03/16 • 48 min

Today, we’re going to talk about lies. Why do we lie - ever? And while it’s easy to perhaps scapegoat people who aren’t telling the whole truth - as with anything in relationship - it takes TWO to tango - so how does the person who’s being lied TO help create the dynamic? Most importantly - how do you bring your relationship back into balance, so that you can experience the power created by telling the truth and being in integrity. Today’s guests are Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson. They are two of the world’s leading experts on couples therapy and the topic of honesty in relationship, and their groundbreaking book - Tell me No Lies - explores exactly these questions about how to undo the damage caused by all lies - big and small - in relationship.

In today’s conversation, Ellyn Bader, Peter Pearson and I discuss the following:

What constitutes a lie? Lying is not an exact science, rather it occurs on a continuum, with several distinct types:

Equivocations: Giving ambiguous, indirect, or contradictory information

Exaggerations: Overstatements and truth stretching

Understatements: Minimizing or downplaying aspects of the truth

Concealments: Deliberately omitting information that is important and relevant

Deliberate lies: Making up information, or giving the opposite of the truth (no versus yes)

Felony lies: These are the big high stakes ones

Why do we lie? The good the bad and the ugly. Lying always has a purpose, and is often resulting from a need to protect something. What is crucial to consider is the motivation behind the lie, and what in fact the individual is trying to protect. Is it their ego? Their sense of security? Fear of shame? In some cases, as often happens in the beginning of a relationship, lies may be told in order to HELP solidify the bond and create closeness (“Yum, the dinner you made was delicious!”). In other cases lies are told in order to avoid conflict or tension, or to avoid hurt feelings. We also lie to advance ourselves, enhance our image, protect ourselves, or gain power. While there are minor seemingly loving lies that are told in order to protect the bond, it is almost always more successful to protect the relationship through truth telling, as risky and scary as it may seem.

Lying between me, myself, and I: There is an enormous amount of self deception in most relationships, and let’s be honest, in our lives in general. Everyone, whether currently coupled or not, can take time to ask: Am I really telling myself the truth about my own experience? How well do I know myself? How much am I able to communicate what I know about myself?

These questions are incredibly potent to hold as a relationship begins to unfold. In the honeymoon phase, or what Bader refers to as the ‘temporary psychosis phase’ due to the plethora of neurochemicals involved with falling in love that make us “bonded and stupid”, it is very normal to lie. Mostly to oneself. Amidst the adrenaline and excitement of new love, many people do not pay attention to their own wishes, desires, or needs. Some may forget to ask themselves “Who am I really? What really matters to me?”. This is natural because when people first come together there is a strong desire to try and be the same. They may knowingly and unknowingly minimize differences and emphasize ways they are alike in order to prove compatibility to each other, and find alignment. This can actually be a cute, sweet, profound, and important process, however where it goes from here is the make or break...

Lack of differentiation creates havoc in the long run: While it may be normal to search for commonality in the beginning of a relationship, a couple must begin to welcome and celebrate difference early on in order to avoid getting stuck on “the dark side of the honeymoon”, that petri dish for resentment, fear, instability, and ultimately distrust. Failure to differentiate usually results from one or both partners being conflict avoidant, meaning that they hold the basic fear that conflict will lead to rupture or collapse of the relationship. Because they are seeking security above all else, they are willing to overcompensate or over adapt for long periods of time in order to keep the illusion of permanence in the relationship. This begins by the conflict avoidant partner not expressing their desires, needs or wishes, and frequently includes lies by omission. This partner gives more and more of themselves, ignoring important parts of themselves, until they either collapse, become depressed, develop secret anger, etc. This leads to the next stage, the “Freedom Unhinged” state, in which the relationship begins to disintegrate. More extreme lying occurs, including the GREAT BIG felony lies (gambling, infidelity, etc). The stakes are high, and as one partner becomes more and more adamant that such and such is NOT happening, the other partner may even begin to ques...

In today’s conversation, Ellyn Bader, Peter Pearson and I discuss the following:

What constitutes a lie? Lying is not an exact science, rather it occurs on a continuum, with several distinct types:

Equivocations: Giving ambiguous, indirect, or contradictory information

Exaggerations: Overstatements and truth stretching

Understatements: Minimizing or downplaying aspects of the truth

Concealments: Deliberately omitting information that is important and relevant

Deliberate lies: Making up information, or giving the opposite of the truth (no versus yes)

Felony lies: These are the big high stakes ones

Previous Episode

23: Useful Things You Never Knew about Feminine Sexuality with Sheri Winston

Today’s guest is Sheri Winston, wholistic sexuality teacher, founder of the center for intimate arts, and author of the award-winning book “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure”. We’re going to talk about how the sexual energy of a feminine person works. We’re also going to talk about the female anatomy - and you just might find out some things that you NEVER knew before. Sheri also brings her knowledge as a midwife and a massage therapist to bear on the topic of just how we might come to sexuality from a completely different perspective. I guarantee that unless you’ve already read Sheri’s book (and maybe even if you have) you’re going to learn something new today.

Here are the highlights from my conversation with Sheri Winston:

What is wholistic sexuality? This is a way of seeing the sexual life force that emanates through us and around us at all times. When you’ve heard me talking about “the continuum” - this is it. We are always able to access this energy, and with our partners we are always connected, even when we’re not in the bedroom.
Contrast that with “male sexuality” - This is the popular model for “how sexuality works” - and it represents a very masculine way of looking at sexuality. Quick turn-on, deep penetration, huge orgasms. However, feminine people have a completely different type of sexuality.
What is feminine sexuality? Rather than a quick boil that starts at the center (masculine sexuality), feminine sexuality starts at “the edges” and heats up slowly, until the entire system is fired up. It can take a little while!
So wholistic sexuality is: being able to recognize these different types of sexual energy and recognize where you and your partner fall on the spectrum - and then to take each other into account!
How does a woman know when she’s actually ready to experience penetration? If you are “desperate” to have your partner inside of you, then you are ready. Anything before that and your entire system may not be quite ready. Also it should feel “completely fabulous”
If a woman is “wet” does that mean that she’s ready to be penetrated? NO! In fact, lubrication is one of the earliest stages of arousal, but many more things need to happen in a woman’s body (along with lubrication) for penetration to feel completely pleasurable.
It’s about the journey - so enjoy it!
Did you know that women have as much erectile tissue as men? Along with erectile tissue that’s present all throughout the broad genital region, the clitoris is actually just the tip of an enormous clitoral network that extends throughout that part of a woman’s body.
As an experiment, if you’re a woman (or partnered with a woman): See if you can observe all of the changes that are happening within a woman’s body as she is getting more and more aroused. Can you figure out where all (or at least some) of the erectile tissue is? Sheri Winston calls this a “herection”. :-)
Timing is everything! For instance, there is a stage in arousal where the cervix gets pulled up and out of the way. When that happens, deep thrusting penetration can feel amazing! Before that happens - it can be painful!
O1 vs O2...and beyond! How sensitive are you able to become to the levels of arousal when you bypass “Peak Orgasms” and allow your bodies to ride deeper waves of pleasure together, for more time?
Arousal is an “altered state of consciousness”: And when you see it that way, you can understand why it can take time to make the shift, and why it’s an experience that can be deepened. Figure out what you need for yourself, and what your partner needs, to stay in and play with that state of consciousness - it’s a grand experiment!
Here are some ideas for how to expand that altered state: How does changing the way that you’re breathing affect the sensation in your body? How does your state of relaxation affect things? Can you set the stage in different ways that connect you to a ritual of sensuality - to help deepen your presence, and ability to be absorbed in the moment?
The power of sound: Making wide, open sounds can actually help your body relax - it’s part of an automatic response where the lower part of our body reciprocates the openness of the upper part of our body (our throat and mouth when we make those kinds of sounds)
Set the container: Create an intention with your partner to close the space, energetically, to the rest of the world. That space and time when you are together is yours and yours alone, and other intruding thoughts/energies are not welcome. It can be a good idea to keep technology (phones, etc.) out of the bedroom.
How to keep things “alive”: Be INTERESTING and INTERESTED! Cultivate your creativity and imagination AND your curiosity about your partner’s experience.
Eye contact and kissing with tongue: Both magnify sexual energy and help indu...

Next Episode

25: Get Your Ego Out of the Way - How to Be an Adult in Love with Dave Richo

Today’s guest is Dave Richo, a psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, and author of the well-known book “How To Be An Adult in Relationships- The 5 Keys to Mindful Loving”. In this conversation we explore topics found in his more recent book “How To Be an Adult In Love- Letting Love In Safely and Showing It Recklessly”, and his brand new book “You Are Not What You Think- The Egoless Path To Self-Esteem and Generous Love”. Richo’s approach, which combines Jungian, poetic, and mythical perspectives, delves deep into the Buddhist concept of loving-kindness. In today’s episode we explore the whys and the hows of egoless love in the context of romantic relationships. You will learn key questions to help you assess your own ego balance, and ways to surrender ego in order to build self-esteem, address old wounds and fears, be fully loving in all of your relationships, and to actually evolve your capacity for love. You will be reminded and awakened to the ways in which taking care of ourselves is in itself an act of love.

Here are some highlights, insights, and suggestions from my conversation with Dave Richo:

Widening the range of love- The Buddhist practice of loving-kindness is really about expanding our definition of what it means to love. It is about beaming out love to yourself, those closest to you, those you feel neutral about, those you don’t even really like, and all with EQUAL force. This force of grace and power is one that comes from beyond our ego, and extends through us to all beings. We can learn how to love, which is important, but we can also work on opening ourselves to call upon this sense of unconditional grace that is omnipresent and here to help us. How to connect with this sense of spirit is incredibly personal and you must find the right wording, symbolism, rituals, and practices that make it your own. However you relate to this concept, take a moment to consider that perhaps by incorporating awareness of this wider loving spirit you might find ways to better heal during difficult times, feel connected to your partner regardless of what you think or feel about them in a given moment, and even potentially, as Dave explains, feel more fully human.

Agape love: The Greek’s referred to this form of selfless, unconditional and utterly limitless way of showing love as ‘Agape love’. They saw this form of boundless love to be our own highest calling. Although the love we hold for our romantic partner(s) exists within the definitions of the Greek’s Agape love and the Buddhist’s loving-kindness paradigm, it is the erotic dimension that distinguishes our intimate partnerships from the crowd. Interestingly enough, the Greek’s also believe that erotic love exists in our creative pursuits as well. Therefore there are many ways to experience erotic love, and infinite ways to experience Agape love.

Tending to the relationship through Egoless Loving: So how can this wide definition of love inform our ability to engage the challenges that may arise in our partnerships? Love is about giving of oneself without being sure exactly what we will get in return. If instead, our egos are leading the way in our relationship we may find ourselves using the partnership to assert and solidify our own ego purposes, leading to patterns of selfishness (and not the good kind!).

The evolution of a relationship from Ego-ideals to Egoless led love: There are three phases a romantic relationship must pass through in order to achieve an egoless led love:

1) Ego-Ideal to Ego-Ideal Romantic Phase: In the beginning... two individuals meet, and their two ego ideals fall in love. Meaning that person you always desired is finally found! Stars, rainbows, romantic dates, until...

2) Ego to Ego Phase: The inevitable conflicts, big or small, begin, and the ego-ideals erode and you begin to see the other person as she or he really is (warts and all). You may start to see your partner as self-centered, self-promoting, self-ish, or maybe you just start getting really irritated with the way they do or don’t do the dishes, you get the idea... In this conflict stage, the goal is to confront the ego dimension of ourselves and see if we can let go of it in favor of a more loving response. There are many psychological techniques, communication tips, outlined processes, prompts and activities you can choose to engage in here to help address, process, and make it through this phase. Regardless of how you and your partner work on your conflicts, it is critical to remember that this is an act of love! When we commit to working through the tough stuff and putting in the energy when struggles arise we are showing ourselves and our partners love in action. This increases connection, and of course, trust. And it leads to the final phase.

3) Egoless Love Phase: Through successfully showing up for Phase 2 and taking responsibility for our own egos, a new dimension of love is possible. Now t...