RDG E9: Disconnecting and reconnecting with your kids

Demian and Lenart, continue with chapter 8: How we disconnect and reconnect: Rupture and Repair - from the book "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Daniel J. Siegel. and Mary Hartzell.

People are not meant to live in isolation. We are dependent on others for our emotional wellbeing.

Having said that, everyone needs time to themselves, and when you are a parent, "me time" can be scarce, therefore it's expected that there will be times that you just don't have the headspace or have other things on your mind when you are with your child and sometimes this will cause a disconnection between you and your child.

The disconnection is felt by you as the parent as well as the child. It can bring up feelings of shame and guilt for the parent - often caused by implicit memories.

It also causes shame, confusion and even fear for the child.

This chapter is about identifying these disconnections (ruptures) and how to repair the connection again.

There are four types of disconnection

Oscillating Disconnection -

This is the natural flow of connection that one experiences on a day to day basis. We connect and disconnect with the people around us throughout the day.

Benign Rupture

These disconnections happen when you don't "quite" get the message from your child.

A parent might not understand what the child is asking for or needs - it can be harder to pick up with younger children as they do not have the vocabulary to express themselves yet.

You can't always be 100% in tune with your child.

When there is emotional distress or excitement when your child is trying to express him/herself, and you don't connect with your child, these benign ruptures can be a lot more painful and therefore it is very important that you repair these disconnections as soon as possible.

Limit-Setting Rupture

These are ruptures that happen when you are setting boundaries for your child.

You don't need to repair how your child is feeling. You can let your child feel all the emotions that she is feeling when you set your limits but it is important that you let her know that you understand how she feels.

By reflecting back their desire without fulfilling it is a different experience for them than just saying no!

Toxic Rupture

These ruptures are usually a consequence of screaming, shouting, name calling and even threatening behaviour by the parent - it often happens when we as parents enter the "Low Road" - which we speak about in another episode.

These ruptures are much more deep and distressing for the child and they are often accompanied by intense feelings of shame.

If you do not repair these ruptures it can influence the childs development and self awareness. The child can develop what is called a "shame dynamic" where they prevent themselves from feeling shame.

During a toxic rupture both the child and the parent can feel an intense sense of shame.

It is important to repair this rupture as soon as possible but make sure you are absolutely calm before you try and repair the relationship.

When trying to repair the connection, always acknowledge what you have done wrong too and provide words to what you did. This will help your child integrate the experience.

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