Episode 59: The Wicker Man - Crank - Idiocracy: September 1, 2006

Explicit content warning

09/01/21 • 112 min

Nic Cage walks into a forest dressed like a bear and punches a woman. No, you’re not having a bad fever dream; you’re just watching one of the movies that opened on September 1, 2006: a week filled with mystery, mayhem, and most of all, misogyny. THE WICKER MAN, CRANK, and IDIOCRACY are being pumped full of adrenaline and then burned alive on Episode 59 of Opening Weekend! (Brought to you by Carl’s Jr).

“I wish I could quit you.” “You complete me.” “I’ll have what she’s having.”

No, the boys aren’t discussing any movies this week REMOTELY related to romance. These are just a few of the things Jason screamed to the rafters in the fall of 2006 as he desperately tried to keep Dan from moving out of their Astoria apartment. To which Dan replied, ““AH, MY LEGS! NOT THE BEES!!! YOU BITCHES!!!!” Or was that Nic Cage? It’s hard to tell, since they were both wearing bear costumes at the time.

Also in September 2006: While Jason Statham was desperately trying to keep his heart beating performing scenes of chaos throughout Los Angeles, Jason and Dan were desperately trying to keep audiences’ hearts beating performing scenes of Chekhov in the basement of a bar in the East Village.

And while Fred was spending the last days of summer soaking up the Tuscan sun, the cast of “Idiocracy” was showing us how we’re all going to be soaking up Gatorade and fast-food during the last days of humanity. And speaking of Gatorade: Fred shows his commitment to non-stop podcasting magic this week....while completely stopping pod-cast magic cold with his own brand of idiocracy. Now leave me alone, I’m ‘batin’....to Episode 59 of Opening Weekend!

“I wish I could quit you.” “You complete me.” “I’ll have what she’s having.”

Previous Episode

Episode 58: Dreamscape - Sheena - The Woman In Red: August 17, 1984

Jungle Queens, Scary Dreams, and Adulterous Schemes. It’s August 17th, 1984, and the boys are taking in SHEENA, DREAMSCAPE, and THE WOMAN IN RED for some edgy PG-13 violence & gore and some wholesome PG full-frontal-nudity. Grab your leg warmers and Members Only jackets, because the boys are heading back to the ‘80s for Episode 58 of Opening Weekend!

Ahh, the mid-1980s. What would Ronald Reagan’s (or Eddie Albert’s, for that matter) America have been without the efforts of Hulk Hogan to capture the WWF Championship, the Ghostbusters to capture Slimer, or Fred Berman to capture anything the Playboy Channel had on in the middle of the night (without his Dad knowing)?

While Jason has wholesome family time at the beach with Grandpa, and Dan watches hour after hour of sweaty men doing the Camel Clutch, sick perversions abound, both on Fred’s TV screen, and on America’s movie screens. Gene Wilder and Joe Bologna strive to get their bologna into any women they’re not married to; Dennis Quaid dreams of a giant snake-man and strives to get his giant snake, man, into Kate Capshaw; and Tanya Roberts swings from long jungle vines as Ted Wass strives to get his long jungle vine out from under his sarong. Or is that merely his sarong-knot? Or is it all just Fred’s 80s-Playboy-channel-addled imagination? A surprise call from some beloved “Pod Squad” members may provide some clarification. Or not. Yeah, probably not.

Where’s the Beef? Why, it’s in Ted Wass’ pants, of course! Gag me with a spoon, it’s the totally tubular Episode 58 of Opening Weekend!

Next Episode

Episode 60: Goodfellas - Top Ten Gangster/Crime Films: September 19, 1990

“As far back as I can remember I’ve always wanted to be a podcaster.” It’s September 19th, 1990 and the boys are celebrating the release of Martin Scorcese’s mobbed-up masterpiece, GOODFELLAS. One dog goes one way, the other dog goes the other way, and this guy’s sayin’ “It’s Episode 60 of Opening Weekend!”

“I’m gonna go listen to the podcast, listen to the podcast.” You do you, Jimmy Two Times. In the meantime, Dan’s gotta go change the film reel at Cinema Shitty-Sex.

It’s September of 1990 and the boys are becoming “made” men.

Fred is being “made” to understand the futility of an acting degree by a college theatre professor. Jason is being “made” to explain his reasons for wanting to play elderly pedophiles in classic works of theatre. And Dan is still cleaning up from the guy who “made” all over the bathroom wall of the movie theatre he works in.

And once they finish gushing like the blood pouring out of poor Stack’s head over “Goodfellas”, the boys dive into their personal top ten Gangster/Crime movies of all time.

Now go get ya f***in’ shine box!