Not By Accident

The school year is away like a fast-moving train. In the past I’d have lost myself in the momentum. Not so much this year though. This year I have you to force me to go home, to switch off, to be still, to be present. But the school is about 50 metres from our home. We’re both fixtures. You ride your little bike through vast rooms, all over the building and bash away on the student’s drum kit. It’s an extension of home for us, for all the students, and for all the teachers. That’s how I can be engaged and still be with you. I can’t imagine there’s another film school like it. I can’t imagine there’s a better place to grow up. If only our family were closer.

My Dad has finished the work that was delayed by his cancer treatment. He’s well and he’s free. The first thing he does is book a ticket. You should know this Astrid. Grandpa travelled from Australia to Denmark, all that way, at the first opportunity, just to see you.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. Story editing by Michelle Webster. I’m supported by generous listeners.

Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story.

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

You Were in my Dreams and Always by Candlegravity, Transpire by Dexter Britain and Something Galactic by Broke For Free.

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Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

I’m now on Patreon. If you’d like join the kind people who are already supporting me to produce each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.

Thanks so much to Margaret P. Jones, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Jessica Kindynis, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani for your support.

To everyone who’s written to share your stories and to support me in continuing, thank you. I’m very behind with my replies, but want you to know each message means so much.

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.

We’ll be back with the next installment in about 2 weeks.

The Principal, my boss, has a job offer and decides to take it. The question of leadership opens up. While the Board search for a new Head, somebody will act. Most likely not me, though I’m Vice Principal. We’re living through the worst sleepless nights of the ear infection. I can barely get it together to brush my teeth, let alone to take real responsibility. I want to dig deep, to be as capable and strong as before, to prove something for the sake of all women. But for now I am weak.

Your eardrum bursts. No more crying in pain through the night. Within days I’m stronger, better, more capable. I’m aware of the options being explored, of others being considered to lead until a new Principal is in place. But all of a sudden, I suppose thanks to who I was at work before motherhood, they decide it’s me! Thank god I’ve slept.

I sit in the Principal’s office and feel like I’m in a dream. A bit like a kid wearing their parent’s clothes, a tiny bit of imposter syndrome. But mostly I feel taller, lighter, completely capable and utterly relieved to find motherhood hasn’t erased that. I can still do my job. I can step up. Because of the summer pace, I can stay on top of it and shift to part time for some weeks to spend time with you. For this moment, it almost seems I can have it all.

We need a little summer break too. Time is short, work looms. I book four nights in Crete. A perfect holiday, for just you and me.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. Edited by Michelle Webster. I’m supported by generous listeners.

Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story.

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

Libertad by Iriate and Pesoa and Other Sources by Candlegravity.

Zorba the Greek by Mikis Theodorakis (invoking Fair Use).

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Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

I’m now on Patreon. If you’d like join the kind people who are already supporting me to produce each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.

Thanks so much to Margaret P. Jones, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani for your support.

To everyone who’s written to share your stories and to support me in continuing, thank you. I’m very behind with my replies, but want you to know each message means so much.

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.

We’ll be back with the next installment in about 2 weeks.

Nick called to tell me the news just before New Year’s, only weeks after we got back to Denmark. He proposed, and she said yes. I’m happy for them, of course, really happy. Nick has found the person he wants to share the rest of his life with! Selfishly I’m filled with dread at the thought of the trip, so I hope it will be a long engagement.

I try to suppress the niggling feelings that weddings bring up in me. The flashing neon sign I feel lighting up over my head at times like this. “Single! Single!” The fact that even if I wasn’t, I couldn’t get married in my home country. People like me, lesbians and gays, are still denied that right. But even if I could, I can’t quite picture it for me. Motherhood has pushed that part of my identity so far away that I can’t even really imagine it.

One Saturday morning, Nick calls, not for a chat. He hesitates, reluctant to say it out loud. Still coming to terms with the news himself. Nozomi is pregnant! My little brother is going to be a Dad. He tells me they want to get married first. They want the wedding to be about the two of them. Nick fears once there’s a baby, they’ll be so consumed that they might not get around to it. They decide on a July wedding. Just a few months from now. It’s the right decision for them, and this is about them.

I’m overwhelmed at the thought of the trip I agonize over the pros and cons. I’m sure we will go. We can’t not go.

But then there’s another issue. One I greatly underestimated. An issue with the authorities and you.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners. Editorial input from Michelle Webster.

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

Weathered Home 3:Bird Split Sky and Aalborg Pulse by Candlegravity.

Unison by Bjork used invoking the Fair Use Doctrine.

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Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for letting me share your stories.

I’m now on Patreon! If you’d like to support the series with a small donation to each new episode, you can do it here: https://www.patreon.com/notbyaccident

Thanks so much to Margaret P. Jones, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth and Anne Staude who have jumped on already!

To everyone who’s written to share your stories and to support me in continuing, thank you. I’m very behind with my replies, but want you to know each message means so much.

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.

We’ll be back with the next installment in about 2 weeks.

It’s Spring, 2015. Half your life ago. My six years teaching at the European Film College begin the limp to an anti-climactic end. I try to stay focused. But my main focus is you. The upheaval I’m causing. The reasons for doing it. You’re two and a half. I’m taking you home to our family, our culture, but I’m taking you away from the life, the home, the language, the community that make up your world.

Once work wraps up we have some quiet weeks left to pack up our lives. I take you to Trine’s each day, to childcare, and I pack boxes, I write job applications, and I sort out the car with Steen’s help, servicing, detailing and re-registering it, ready for sale.

The removalists come while you’re at Trine’s and take all our things away. I tell you they’ve gone to MorMor’s house, that’s what you call Granny, and that we’re going there too. You seem to cope with that. The shipping will take three months if all goes well. You’ll have outgrown half your clothes by then! You’ll miss your bike, your toys, the stereo. We’re left with the school’s basic furniture, two suitcases filled with summer clothes for here and winter clothes for home, a trainset Jim dropped over to ease your toy separation, and a big echoey apartment.

You’ve been with Trine five days a week for most of your life. She might be the person you’re closest to after me. This is your last day. I leave my recorder with her. I want to hear you speaking Danish. At this point your Danish is probably better than mine and I know you’ll lose it when we leave. She opens a window into the life you have without me.

I’ve made the decision to leave based on what you’ll gain, but I’m painfully aware of everything you’re losing.

Farvel Danmark. Tusind tak for alt.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.

Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story.

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

Memory by Creo, Last Night in London by Daniel Birch and Completely Lost by Lee Rosevere.

Incidental music by Justine Clarke and Bjork (invoking Fair Use).

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Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

I have some news. I’ve been awarded a grant to write a book! A literary memoir of our story. My plan, for now, is to release one new episode a month as I divide my time between the book and the podcast. Thanks for sticking with me.

Thanks especially to the kind people supporting me on Patreon: Margaret P. Jones, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.

If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.

We’ll be back with the next installment in about 4 weeks.