Three Things That Happy Neurodiverse Couples Do-Eva A. Mendes

05/13/25 • 55 min

During this episode with therapist and coach Eva A. Mendes she shares some of the important information neurodiverse couples shared with her for her newest book titled: “Armchair Conversations on Love and Autism: Secrets of Happy Neurodiverse Couples”.

Some of the important things that top performing neurodiverse couples do:

Accept the diagnosis and talk openly about each partner’s neurotypes. Work together to understand the root cause of their challenges as a couple.
Have a beginners mindset as an individual and a couple.
Trust each other and be able to be influenced by their partner.

Some of the other topics discussed include:

The challenge with taking things personally and not understanding your partner’s love.
Understanding different ways of communication with your partner and others.
The importance of building on your strengths.
Understanding what you each may need to do differently to connect.
Staying humble and curious with your partner.
Going “beyond the midline”for both partners.
The importance of working with a professional who has experience working with ND couples.
Both partners working on the relationship to the best of their ability.
Addressing different issues that come up over the lifespan.
Focusing on “solvable” not “perpetual” problems.
Working on empathy for each other.
Understanding your partner in the greater context of their life.
Acknowledging that you can’t get everything from one person. It takes a village!
Sometimes couples don’t have enough bandwidth for each other anymore.
We are all here to grow and have an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and our partners.

Contact Eva by clicking here.

Buy the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards or Workbook

Subscribe to the Neurodiverse Love Newsletter

Follow Mona on Instagram

Check out the Neurodiverse Love Website

Listen to the Neurodivergent Connections YouTube channel Mona co-hosts

Some of the important things that top performing neurodiverse couples do:

Accept the diagnosis and talk openly about each partner’s neurotypes. Work together to understand the root cause of their challenges as a couple.
Have a beginners mindset as an individual and a couple.
Trust each other and be able to be influenced by their partner.

Some of the other topics discussed include:

The challenge with taking things personally and not understanding your partner’s love.
Understanding different ways of communication with your partner and others.
The importance of building on your strengths.
Understanding what you each may need to do differently to connect.
Staying humble and curious with your partner.
Going “beyond the midline”for both partners.
The importance of working with a professional who has experience working with ND couples.
Both partners working on the relationship to the best of their ability.
Addressing different issues that come up over the lifespan.
Focusing on “solvable” not “perpetual” problems.
Working on empathy for each other.
Understanding your partner in the greater context of their life.
Acknowledging that you can’t get everything from one person. It takes a village!
Sometimes couples don’t have enough bandwidth for each other anymore.
We are all here to grow and have an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and our partners.

Contact Eva by clicking here.

Buy the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards or Workbook

Subscribe to the Neurodiverse Love Newsletter

Follow Mona on Instagram

Check out the Neurodiverse Love Website

Listen to the Neurodivergent Connections YouTube channel Mona co-hosts

Previous Episode

Connection Between Trauma and Neurodivergence and Expanding the Idea of Love-Jarral Boyd

During this episode with neurodivergent counselor Jarral Boyd we address the connection between trauma and neurodivergence and ways to think about romantic love as well as the following:

Navigating neurodivergence and trauma
Understanding your emotional vocabulary.
Addressing challenges through somatics and getting to know your body and acknowledge what is going on.
Creating a routine can be helpful to better understand your body and emotions and help you get more in tune.
Understand how to experience joy in your body.
Translating what’s happening in your body when you have alexithymia.
Information shared through AANE certification includes using a 1-5 scale to share with your partner how you’re feeling emotionally.
Memory issues during or after a meltdown.
Apologizing when you don’t feel you have done anything wrong.
Trauma can make being wrong scary and unsafe.
Cassandra Syndrome
Benefits of decentralizing romantic love for neurodivergent folx
Removing relationship hierarchy and being open to different types of romantic relationships. This can help reduce expectations of one or both partners.
The value of expanding the idea of love.
Asking youself "Is it the person I want or the situation?"

You can contact Jarral Boyd at: jarralboyd.com

If you are interested in the free support groups Mona offers for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners you can email her at [email protected] to get the Zoom links.

Mona Kay, MSW, Ph.D.

Host of the Neurodiverse Love Podcast

Buy the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards or Workbook

Newsletter | Instagram | Website | YouTube

Click here if you and your partner are interested in joining the support group Mona facilitates for neurodiverse couples on the 3rd Wednesday of the month from 7:30-9pm EST.

Next Episode

Changing Dating for Neurodivergents through the Mattr App-Jamie Johnston

During this episode with Jamie Johnston you will learn more about how the Mattr app is making dating more enjoyable for neurodivergent folks and those with mental health challenges. In addition, Jamie talks about why he is so passionate about his work and how understanding his dyslexia and AuDHD is helping him assist others on their on-line dating journey. Other topics discussed include:

We are taught that anything that can be "perceived" shouldn’t be shared on dating apps or while dating.
During the pandemic vulnerability and transparency became more acceptable on social media, but not on dating apps.
Vulnerability first is the focus of the Mattr app. It is an online dating platform where you can feel safe to share whatever you want.
Dating in a digital space can be very challenging for neurodivergent people.
Mattr is very user-friendly for people who have mental health challenges and/or are neurodivergent.
The app is based on research and psychology/psychiatry.
Dealing with rejection sensitivity dysphoria and dopamine hits through swiping or ghosting.
The app uses colors that are comfortable for Autistic individuals and they have a "time out toggle".
No swiping is involved and each person is given 6 matches.
Some of the biggest challenges in dating and maintaining a relationship include: emotional regulation; rejection densitivity dysphoria; hyperfocus on a person or your special interest.
ND folks may experience Inherent shame.
Things to look for that may help you understand that someone is neurodivergent: reactions to the space you are in and sensory issues; hyperfocusing on a topic/infodumping; executive functioning challenges- like planning a date; different communication styles; emotional intensity (differences in emotional reciprocity; differences in physical intimacy preferences.
“Be for someone, not for everyone”
Why the Mattr app was created and different resources available through the app. Partnerships with lots of businesses in London, also have offsite events.

You can learn more about the app here. They are hosting a special live event in London on June 25th. You can also follow Jamie on IG @Dating withJamie_

To learn more about the resources Mona has available for neurodiverse couples and individuals in neurodiverse love relationships click here.