The Ups and Downs of a Growth Mindset in a Mixed Neurotype Relationship-Tristan and Renee

03/05/24 • 69 min

If you would like to join the "mixed neurotype" support group that I co-facilitate with Jodi Carlton called "Navigating Decisions and Choices in Your Neurodiverse Relationship" you can register at: https://jodicarlton.com/groups/ The cost is ONLY $25 per session and we offer 2 groups (12:30-2PM EST and 6:30-8pm EST) and they both meet on Zoom on the 1st Wednesday of each month. In addition, if you would like to order the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11) or the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97) you can click here Thank you for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community! _______________________________________________________ During this episode of the podcast, Mona has an opportunity to talk with Tristan and Renee who recently learned that they are a mixed neurotype couple. Tristan identifies as having some traits of what used to be identified as Asperger's and Renee identifies as ADHD. Throughout this conversation, both Tristan and Renee share the struggles and growth they have experienced individually, as a couple and as a neurodiverse family with two young children. Other topics addressed include:

Their different perspectives on their relationship when they first met.
When one partner is clear about the path for the relationship, but hasn't communicated it to the other person: ie: if you're pursuing someone, it's only for marriage.
Codependency and trying to solve other people's problems.
Not understanding when you have poor boundaries.
Supression of emotions and being hypervigilant.
When you have neurodivergent traits, but would not be diagnosed based on the current criteria.
Anger is a sign of fear.
We all deserve to do the things we love and live a life with peace, freedom and a lasting, healthy relationship.
Communicate what you need and how your brain and emotions work.
When your faith helps keep you together.
Agape love can be a transforming force.
Do we actually change or just begin to see things differently?
How are you supporting each other as you each become more of your authentic selves?
The pain needs to pay off somehow and it might be used to help others who are having similar challenges.
What does it look like to love the future version of your partner?
The value of learning and using the Imago Process by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt LaKelly
Your partner may feel like they have the solution to every problem.
Choosing to be more assertive.
When people are emotional they may say things they don't mean!
In other cultures they accept people being in crisis and believe they can work through it and get to the other side.
You can crash and burn, but it's not the final destination.
Sometimes we need our partner to do more then just listen and respond appropriately...we need empathy.
The interplay between the masculine and feminine.

To contact Tristan and Renee you can go to: www.purposeadvisory.com.au or send an email to: [email protected]

Their different perspectives on their relationship when they first met.
When one partner is clear about the path for the relationship, but hasn't communicated it to the other person: ie: if you're pursuing someone, it's only for marriage.
Codependency and trying to solve other people's problems.
Not understanding when you have poor boundaries.
Supression of emotions and being hypervigilant.
When you have neurodivergent traits, but would not be diagnosed based on the current criteria.
Anger is a sign of fear.
We all deserve to do the things we love and live a life with peace, freedom and a lasting, healthy relationship.
Communicate what you need and how your brain and emotions work.
When your faith helps keep you together.
Agape love can be a transforming force.
Do we actually change or just begin to see things differently?
How are you supporting each other as you each become more of your authentic selves?
The pain needs to pay off somehow and it might be used to help others who are having similar challenges.
What does it look like to love the future version of your partner?
The value of learning and using the Imago Process by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt LaKelly
Your partner may feel like they have the solution to every problem.
Choosing to be more assertive.
When people are emotional they may say things they don't mean!
In other cultures they accept people being in crisis and believe they can work through it and get to the other side.
You can crash and burn, but it's not the final destination.
Sometimes we need our partner to do more then just listen and respond appropriately...we need empathy.
The interplay between the masculine and feminine.

To contact Tristan and Renee you can go to: www.purposeadvisory.com.au or send an email to: [email protected]

Previous Episode

The Grief Recovery Method: Helping Heal What We May Not Have Understood-Rachelle Jones

For more information about the resources Mona has available go to: www.neurodiverselove.com

WARNING: During this episode we talk briefly about suicide, suicidal thoughts, & sexual abuse, so please be aware of this and take care of yourself if this discussion may be a trigger for you. During this episode, Rachelle Jones-Grief Recovery Specialist shares information about her own neurodiverse marriage & family, as well as how an evidenced based model for grief recovery can provide the tools and strategies that can help you understand & process grief. Rachelle talks about her own grief recovery process and how her mission is now to help others heal in more healthy ways. The other topics discussed during this episode include:

How this model gives us grace, compassion and curiousity.
Understanding what work and change we each have to do.
Determine what your "truth" is.
Apply the" Grief Recovery Model" tools everytime you need them.
Remember that each partner comes into the relationship with "their" issues, whether they understand them or not.
We may say and do things out of our "emotional reaction".
Understanding when your truth may be that you're feeling really hurt and unloved and it can be because something that is currently happening reminds you of an issue from the past.
Remembering that your partner doesn't "make" you feel anything, however then can "leave" you feeling a particular way.
Understand what your reactions and emotions are connected to and understanding our unmet hopes, needs and expectations.
Unexpressed hopes and expectations can create grief.
Long delays in responses from our partner can leave us feeling unloved and uncared for.
Find, acknowledge and express our "truth" and provide the space and time for our partner to do the same.
Unintentional pain can be caused when we don't know how to move through and heal grief.
Grief is cumulatively negative.
Loss of hope, dreams and expectation are all grief moments.
Suicide is usually about needing the pain to end and not thinking that it every will.
Get honest that time isn't going to heal the grief.
Understanding that we can't replace the loss.
Grieving by yourself is probably not working.
Keeping busy does not heal grief.
Your real strength is sitting in the heartache and acknowledging what is real.
Time is not going to heal the grief, but taking action can begin the healing process.
Unresolved emotions can come out as physical health problems.
Short term energy relieving behaviors (STERB's) work for a little while, but don't work long term.
STERB's can be socially acceptable, but don't heal the grief.
It is important to understand what we are doing to cope and feel better, and then try to help ourselves so we don't feel the pain so intensely.
Have a sip of grace for yourself and your partner.
Be able to say "I don't know what I'm doing here", however we can find the tools and strategies to move forward.
Judging yourself or your partner is not going to make things better. However, accepting and understanding that you have different ways of experiencing life and dealing with your emotions and grieving can be life changing.
We each feel our emotions differently and go through the grieving process differently.

If you would like to contact Rachelle you can check out her website at: www.griefrecoverywithrachelle.com or you can follow her on IG @GRWRachelle

If you would like to work with Rachelle, she has created a scholarship code for my listeners to get a 20% discount on tuirtion for any of her classess. The code is: MonaNDLove. Rachelle offers an 8 week classs for individual training or group training and a 2 1/2-day class for individual or group training.

For more information about the evidenced based Grief Recovery Method you can go to: www.griefrecoverymethodc.com

If you are in the United States and are experiencing suicidal thoughts you can dial 988 for the Suicide Prevention Hotline or go to www.988lifeline.org

Next Episode

Challenges and Strengths of Parenting in a Neurodiverse Relationship-Guest Co-host Greg Fuqua

If you and your partner are looking for ways to improve your communication in your mixed neurotype relationship, then⁠ click here⁠ to purchase the recorded workshop with Greg Fuqua and Mona Kay titled: "Strategies and Tools for Increasing Healthy and Respectful Communication in Your Neurodiverse Relationship".

The topics that are addressed include: 1) Rituals of Communication. 2) Healthy Communication Structures. 3) Reciprocity and Turn Taking. 4) Perspective Taking and Conflict Resolution. 5) Tools for Communicating Changes Wanted and Needed.

The investment for this workshop is ONLY $97 and each participant will receive a Communication Workbook and a code to purchase the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11 value) and the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97 value) for only $1 each!

_______________________________________________________________

During this episode, Mona and Greg talk about their lived experiences co-parenting with a partner who has a different neurotype. They share some of the lessons they both learned, things they now understand and would have done differently, as well as the strengths in their co-parenting relationships. In addition, they address many other topics including:

Having shame around parenting because it can reveal some of our issues around neurodivergence.
ND mind needs time to recover and the parenting demands may make it seem like they don’t have space to recover.
Being great in emergency and crisis situations. Hyperfocus can be very helpful.
Needing to engage in activities and having a role during an event.
When only one parent goes to most school activities, birthday parties and other events that involve other kids.
Identify your stylistic differences, preferences, strengths and roles as parents.
Sensory overload and not knowing your sensory profile can create lots of challenges.
Parents may experience emotional overload or overwhelm because they don't understand each other's neurological differences.
One parent may be the safe person for the children to go to.
May feel like you have an angry and unavailable partner.
Try not to identify your partner by their most vulnerable and difficult moments.
The importance of recognizing relational trauma and neurodivergence legacy.
Understanding that our neurodivergent traits may be passed down to our children.
Take time to talk to your child about how you may not have been able to meet their needs.
How alexithymia may impact the parent-child dynamic.
Not being able to tolerate highly emotional situations like screaming or intense crying.
Kids may feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” with a parent.
Understanding how screaming or shutting down can impact your children.
Understanding an ND partner may not engage in certain parenting responsibilities because they don’t want to get it wrong.
One parent may experience shame around what they feel they can’t do as a parent.
Your passions or special interests may be places where you can bond and connect with your kids.
Kids attune to each parent and seek “attachment”
Be a student to your kid and learn from them and understand their needs and personality.
The way your family thrives may be SO different from other families...and that’s okay.
Understand that the maintenance of your relationship with your college age or adult child may change.
The need for mutuality and reciprocity.
Being clear about what the adult child needs from their parent.
When you feel something positive about your child tell them.
Connect with your adult child on a regular basis and consider adding a reminder to your calendar to reach out to them.