The Couple Dynamic When One Partner is Autistic and the Other is ADHD-Guest Co-Host Greg Fuqua

02/20/24 • 47 min

If you and your partner are looking for ways to improve your communication in your mixed neurotype relationship, then click here to purchase the recorded workshop with Greg Fuqua and Mona Kay titled: "Strategies and Tools for Increasing Healthy and Respectful Communication in Your Neurodiverse Relationship".

The topics that are addressed include: 1) Rituals of Communication. 2) Healthy Communication Structures. 3) Reciprocity and Turn Taking. 4) Perspective Taking and Conflict Resolution. 5) Tools for Communicating Changes Wanted and Needed.

The investment for this workshop is ONLY $97 and each participant will receive a Communication Workbook and a code to purchase the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11 value) and the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97 value) for only $1 each! _______________________________________________________ During this episode, Greg Fuqua and Mona Kay talk about some of the strengths, challenges and differences that may be present when one partner is Autistic and the other is ADHD. Greg has this dynamic in his marriage and Mona had this dynamic in her 30 year marriage, so they both share a lot of their personal experiences, as well as those they have seen in other couples with these mixed neurotypes. The topics addressed include: Externalized energy vs internalized energy. One partner may be a "bridge" for the other. Differences and overlaps and shared understanding. Anxious pursuer vs avoidant. Timing is the key to find moments to connect. In-depth knowledge vs chasing a new thing. External calm and patience vs lots of outer energy and a desire for change. Having different processing preferences. Ability to jump around vs going deep with one subject. The need for autonomy and freedom or feeling like you have to repress your needs. Understanding emotional dysregulation and self-soothing. Being hyperverbal vs hypoverbal. How knowing each other's neurotypes can help explain why you both may be having challenges. Tracking each others mood and stress and attuning to each other, rather then judging and creating conflict. Valuing each others different processing styles. Understanding unidentified sensitivities. Being vulnerable vs intellectualizing emotions and growing in emotional vulnerability. Focusing on your strengths and connection as a couple can help you rebuild and transform your relationship. If you would like to contact Greg you can email him at [email protected] or check out his website at: www.gregfuqua.com If you would like to learn more about the support groups or other resources that Mona offers, you can check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com or email her at: [email protected]

Previous Episode

Cultivating Positive Feelings, Affection, Appreciation and Commitment-Guest Co-host Greg Fuqua

If you would like to join the "mixed neurotype" support group that Mona Kay and Jodi Carlton co-facilitate called "Navigating Decisions and Choices in Your Neurodiverse Relationship" you can register at: https://jodicarlton.com/groups/ The cost is ONLY $25 per session and we offer 2 groups (12:30-2PM EST and 6:30-8pm EST) and they both meet on Zoom on the 1st Wednesday of each month. In addition, if you would like to order the digital version of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards ($11) or the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card Workbook ($12.97) you can ⁠click here ⁠ Thank you for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community! __________________________________________ During this episode, Greg Fuqua and Mona Kay talk about the different ways mixed neurotype couples can create more positive feelings for each other and how they can find ways to show more affection and appreciation in their relationship. The other topics discussed include: Understanding your partners "owners manual", which includes their history, trauma, what they need for repair after conflict, their neurotype, love language, deficits, strengths, relational trauma and triggers. The importance of reciprocity and mutuality. Remembering that relationships require maintenance. Engaging in small gestures that address each others needs and wants. Preparation and negotiation are important in a mixed neurotype relationship. When your "love tank" is empty it is very easy to have raw and hurtful experiences. Understanding what leads to a culture of appreciation and reciprocity. Healthy internalization rather then toxic externalization. Talk about processes so both partners understand what happened. Being romantic and vulnerable can feel "too much". Alexythymia and love can create "short circuits". Internalizing things can give very little space for interaction with your partner. Being shamed for having intense feelings and how important it is to create safety in your relationship for sharing your feelings and emotions. If you have positive thoughts about your partner...say it! Own what's yours and understand your triggers. Understand and take care of your hurt "parts" and wounds. Take a pause when angry and start with an "I" statement and/or a statement of empathy. If you would like to learn more about the support groups and other resources Mona offers, you can check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com If you would like to contact Greg, you can check out his website at: www.gregfuqua.com

Next Episode

The Grief Recovery Method: Helping Heal What We May Not Have Understood-Rachelle Jones

For more information about the resources Mona has available go to: www.neurodiverselove.com

WARNING: During this episode we talk briefly about suicide, suicidal thoughts, & sexual abuse, so please be aware of this and take care of yourself if this discussion may be a trigger for you. During this episode, Rachelle Jones-Grief Recovery Specialist shares information about her own neurodiverse marriage & family, as well as how an evidenced based model for grief recovery can provide the tools and strategies that can help you understand & process grief. Rachelle talks about her own grief recovery process and how her mission is now to help others heal in more healthy ways. The other topics discussed during this episode include:

How this model gives us grace, compassion and curiousity.
Understanding what work and change we each have to do.
Determine what your "truth" is.
Apply the" Grief Recovery Model" tools everytime you need them.
Remember that each partner comes into the relationship with "their" issues, whether they understand them or not.
We may say and do things out of our "emotional reaction".
Understanding when your truth may be that you're feeling really hurt and unloved and it can be because something that is currently happening reminds you of an issue from the past.
Remembering that your partner doesn't "make" you feel anything, however then can "leave" you feeling a particular way.
Understand what your reactions and emotions are connected to and understanding our unmet hopes, needs and expectations.
Unexpressed hopes and expectations can create grief.
Long delays in responses from our partner can leave us feeling unloved and uncared for.
Find, acknowledge and express our "truth" and provide the space and time for our partner to do the same.
Unintentional pain can be caused when we don't know how to move through and heal grief.
Grief is cumulatively negative.
Loss of hope, dreams and expectation are all grief moments.
Suicide is usually about needing the pain to end and not thinking that it every will.
Get honest that time isn't going to heal the grief.
Understanding that we can't replace the loss.
Grieving by yourself is probably not working.
Keeping busy does not heal grief.
Your real strength is sitting in the heartache and acknowledging what is real.
Time is not going to heal the grief, but taking action can begin the healing process.
Unresolved emotions can come out as physical health problems.
Short term energy relieving behaviors (STERB's) work for a little while, but don't work long term.
STERB's can be socially acceptable, but don't heal the grief.
It is important to understand what we are doing to cope and feel better, and then try to help ourselves so we don't feel the pain so intensely.
Have a sip of grace for yourself and your partner.
Be able to say "I don't know what I'm doing here", however we can find the tools and strategies to move forward.
Judging yourself or your partner is not going to make things better. However, accepting and understanding that you have different ways of experiencing life and dealing with your emotions and grieving can be life changing.
We each feel our emotions differently and go through the grieving process differently.

If you would like to contact Rachelle you can check out her website at: www.griefrecoverywithrachelle.com or you can follow her on IG @GRWRachelle

If you would like to work with Rachelle, she has created a scholarship code for my listeners to get a 20% discount on tuirtion for any of her classess. The code is: MonaNDLove. Rachelle offers an 8 week classs for individual training or group training and a 2 1/2-day class for individual or group training.

For more information about the evidenced based Grief Recovery Method you can go to: www.griefrecoverymethodc.com

If you are in the United States and are experiencing suicidal thoughts you can dial 988 for the Suicide Prevention Hotline or go to www.988lifeline.org