here is a story... (18+)

18+

You are probably not gonna like what is written there. It is extremely sad, aggressive and poorly formed. So, I highly recommend you just play the episode and mind your own business.

No. Seriously.

Ok. I warned you.

I feel like this is the only place where I can whine, which is why this note exists.

Some points for understanding.

I’m Russian.

I’m using a 100 points system for measuring my mental state. Less than 30 is your normal state. 35-50 - I’d love to end this, but it is bearable. 50-75 - extremely difficult to bear. 75-90 - I wish to be dead with all my heart. 90+ - I’m on my way to the place. Literally. 

Well, I am suicidal. I’ve been thinking about it all my life as an adult and the events taking place from the day this episode was published to the present day have greatly changed the state of my mind. But let’s take one step at a time.

24.02 It’s 6 am and I’m crying. I’m devastated. The previous day feels so distant, like it took place years ago. The world has changed. Left several links to the charity in Ukraine.

I’m no longer suicidal in the way it was before. This “operation” (now it is even restricted to call it war) has changed my perception of the world. 

25.02 Nothing matters. DMarket stole my money.

26.02 I took a walk. At this point, I think about all the options for potential blocking and what I should do in each situation. I don’t feel that down anymore. It is more like “I have to become somebody asap, otherwise I’ll have life like in Venezuela”

27.02 “Just a reminder: We can treat everyone who supports Ukraine financially as a traitor.” Something like that from my government. 10-20 years in jail. I don’t care. I know that I do everything right.

28.02 I have to work much more in order to be able to leave this country. Anxiety kills me. Thinking of adding it to the diary where I write my thoughts and these “suicidal points”

02.03 - 82/100 The world is against me. I read lots of stories about how Russians that are living in the USA or Europe are getting treated the way they personally killed thousands. Losing friends, jobs, apartments, relatives (many of us have relatives in Ukraine, btw). I’m really close to the end. I began to perceive others as enemies. “I tried to help Ukraine, I fight the authoritarian regime of a madman with all possible forces, and this is the way I’m treated in a modern world? Then I’m against you.”

03.03 - 07.03. This is the time when I still think I can change my life and do my best. I’m anxious, but I don’t think about killing myself (everything is relative, of course). Time of “I have to” 

07.03 Upwork blocks us. I lost my job. 

08.03 - 44/100. “Russian now is like a German jew in 1940”. I wouldn’t put it this way now, but it is only the beginning. Nazism is my new everyday word (even though it is not quite correct). The country that recently had BLM hates the whole nation. Hypocrites. The old perception of the world and suicidal thoughts slowly began to return. 

09.03 I’m crying. I simply wanna live. JUST. LIVE. Where shit like this can’t happen, where I feel safe, where I have opportunities, where I have faith, where I know it can get better, where everyone isn’t trying to scam me, where I can plan having a kid and not think of it like it is a disaster.

Making plans how to become independent of the place and the world. 

10.03 Trying to forget by immersing myself in films. Deleted hundreds of podcasts one by one. I thought that it might help me, or by expressing my protest in the form of such counter-sanctions. I know how it sounds. 

Do you know what it's like when you try’re trying to revert to suicidal thoughts? Simply because you at least know how to handle them and what to expect. That is exactly what I’m trying to do.

11.03 - 65/100. It is extremely difficult to bear. I’m thinking of making another deadline. Some of you know these descriptions like “459 days remaining”. Yes. Day 0 - day, when I either kill myself, or… Actually, I don’t know what is after “or”. I’ve never thought I’d make it till this deadline (what a descriptive word). And I don’t even know how much time I should give myself to try (and I also know that it works now like that). You can’t even imagine how scary this is, not to be able to do so. By the way, this deadline helped me a little, but I can’t recommend it.

And now here it comes. The end of this story. Sounds rather dramatic, but no, this is not what you think it is. So, I need to make another promise, which I’ll break anyway. This is the last time when I write anything in these descriptions. I have to handle everything by my...