Men Like That: Episode XV - Steampunk Christopher Columbus & The Business Boys

There’s nothing like sitting down for a big, juicy steak dinner after a hard day of doing business with the boys. You rocked the stocks all day, brought home the bacon, and even also brought home some other food to accompany the bacon because eating only bacon is barbaric — not to mention the carbon emissions that result from the production of bacon, as if that weren’t enough to dissuade you from continually bringing home an insulting amount of bacon on a daily basis.

Your therapist and case-worker are watching you closely via the grocery store security system which the manager has allowed for as he has a son going through the same thing — it really hits home for him. You’ve been instructed to not eat or purchase bacon anymore, a cold-turkey (no pun intended) approach to reducing your footprint on Mother Gaia, as instructed by your case-worker. Your therapist is there because she’s morbidly fascinated by your affliction and, honestly, had nothing better to do.

You’re in the freezer section. The store manager, your shrink, and your case-worker, Gerald, all watch with bated breath as you face your inner-most demon: cured pork. Will you grab a package of Oscar Meyer frozen bacon? Or, will you head for the Morning Star aisle and grab something more environmentally sustainable. This is the moment. You’re entire life has been building toward this singular life-decision. Can you exhibit the necessary willpower to save yourself, nature, and your eldest daughter (I didn’t mention any of this, but she’s being held hostage and the captor said he’ll free her if you stop eating bacon and pork products in general). What will it be?

Twist ending: You collapse before you can make a decision because you’re also a disgusting cigarette smoker and all of those years of smoking have finally caught up with you. But the doctor’s performed miracle lung surgery by replacing your disgusting lungs with the lungs of the closest genetic species to our own: pigs. You now have bacon lungs. You smirk and reel in your hospital bed at the hubris of it all. Then, as if God wanted to show you his sense of humor, the nurse wheels in your breakfast. A big ol’ pile of eggs and, that’s right folks, bacon. The case-worker, your therapist, and the grocery store manager all watch on the hospital security cameras as you stand on the precipice of the most important decision of your life.

What’ll it be? Listen to our show to find out.