Keeping Records

What begins as a meeting with beloved friend and comedian Meg Stalter immediately devolves into an episode of depravity and psychosis. Shelby leaves the recording, seemingly out of rage. Caleb exposes himself repeatedly. Meg says the c-word. Producer Mike becomes Producer Michael. Quite simply, it's insanity.

But, aside from all that madness, Meg's Golden Record is angelic in its innocence.

Meg's Golden Record:

• Girls, Season 3, Episode 7 "Beach House" (audio-visual)
• Knowledge of Dolly Parton's Existence (audio-visual)
• Laughing hysterically at a restaurant with friends (multisensory experience)
• The smell of poolside sunscreen and chlorine (multisensory experience)
• Realizing you have a crush on someone (multisensory experience)

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Gather in close, lil freaks - things get serious for a minute as Caleb and Shelby open up with you all about the family stuff they've had going on. Turns out, growing up sucks.

But the intimate moments don't stop there: we also learn a lot about Caleb's balls, guest Carly Kane lets it slip that she's a die-hard Eminem stan, and Shelby reveals the instability of her wifi connection by leaving and re-entering the chat, repeatedly.

Carly's Artifacts:

• When a Crush Puts Their Hand On Your Knee/Leg (Experience)
• Amy Winehouse Discography (Audio)
• All Types of Breads (Food)
• Smell of Gasoline (Smell)
• Random Public Dancing (Activity)

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Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, welcome back. We have perhaps never meant it to more??? Keeping Records is all the way back, with the new EJ and the old Shelby and all that record-making you love or hate or agree with or disagree with or tolerate. And could we have asked for a better first guest back than comedian/writer/podcaster-to-the-stars Jamie Loftus? No we could not.

Finally all together in the studio, the gang puzzled over some really important questions like: Should you get a pet snake? (No.) Should one have sex with their car? (Only if the car is cool/souped up.) Why is Australia scary but New Zealand not scary? (Unsure.) And other questions that are really worth considering!!!

Jamie's Artifacts

• Jamie's mom's 30th birthday video (Audio-visual)
• Lemony Snickett Books (Book Series)
• The Jinx (2015 Documentary Series)
• The Volcano Couple (Historical Figures)
• Going to the bathroom right before or after doing something significant and looking in the mirror and being like remember this!!!! (Feeling)
• The Court Scene From I, Tonya (Film Scene)
• The Hot Dog episode of How It's Made (Audio-visual)

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Well lil freaks, it finally happened. We got the call last week on the secure Headgum line (red phone) from Bill Nelson (head of NASA, reports to POTUS, first coined the phrase "Houston, we have a problem") and Caleb and Shelby are on their way to the John F. Kennedy Space Center for an important meeting and we are not cleared to give you any other info (strictly need-to-know basis at this time). Anyway, while that's all happening, we unearthed from the archives one of our all-time favorite episodes of the show, which we think in turn will one day be on the Golden Record itself. If this meeting goes well. Enjoy and see you next week.

Comedian and writer Samantha Irby (Wow, No Thank You; Meaty; Shrill ) creates a Golden Record full of artifacts that she hopes the aliens will find life-changing. She also expresses her thoughts on what she would do with Henry Cavill in inappropriate public settings.

Sam's Artifacts

• Gone Girl, the book not the movie (literature)
• A live Tori Amos bootleg cassette (audio)
• Mission: Impossible - Fallout (audio-visual)
• Dlisted.com comment section from 2008 - (web archive)
• The burn of an excessively carbonated gas station fountain soda (multisensory experience)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Navajo Night Chant (audio)

"Do You Think...?" Listener Picks

• Lenny Kravitz accidental dick exposure (audio-visual)
• Plain rice with butter (food)
• "Like a G6" by Far East Movement (audio)
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Comedian Molly Kearney builds a Golden Record full of the things the aliens could never dream of. What will they think of an animated film in which all of the characters are humanoid dogs, some of which are insanely hot? Sure, they could imagine a car, but what about a minivan with the door falling off and all the back benches removed, blaring the best piano rock tunes of the last fifty years? Do they have geode caverns on their planet? Probably not. A hug from Molly's mom? Not in their galaxy.

There is also a lot of talk about pants-shitting and death-by-toilet. It is simultaneously our blessing and curse as a species.

Molly's Artifacts

• A Goofy Movie (audio-visual)
• Not knowing your favorite chicken patty is vegetarian (multisensory experience)
• Driving in Molly's Ford Windstar with no back benches, sliding door falling off, and an Elton John Greatest Hits cassette stuck in player (multisensory experience)
• Crystal Cave in Put-in-Bay, Ohio (geologic formation)
• The bond between restaurant staff (human behavior)
• Hug from Mom (multisensory experience)
• The chewed up baseball from The Sandlot (human ephemera)
• A personal pedicab ride from Molly (human experience)

Original Voyager Artifact

• "Tame Dog" (audio)

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