It's Not Weird, It's Russian!

Traffic is a way of life in Moscow. It seems to me that people in Russia wake up and decide “I think I’ll climb in my car and drive on the freeway just so I can be a part of the traffic,” even if they have no reason to be there.
I’ve been stuck in traffic jams at 2am, Moscow time. It is insane. For someone like me who believes every second of my life is a god/universe given gift, this is a waste of a life.
The reason the traffic is so bad;

A: If there is a fender bender (sometimes even a scratch), the cars have to stop dead where they are and wait for the police to arrive on the scene, assess what happened, and then things can proceed. Ridiculous, right? In a world of smartphones and modern technology, no one is capable of exchanging their insurance details, taking photos (possibly uploading them to a traffic police website), or even able to pull away to the side? Really?

and B: most of the cars are not road worthy. Russia is pretty lawless when it comes to vehicles. Cars drive without plates or have their plates covered in enough dirt and soot that you can’t recognise the numbers. I’ve seen vehicles chugging along that wouldn’t even make it down the road in London. One such death design is a monster I’ve used on numerous occasions. It’s called the avtobus (or Mashrootki). Not the big bus, that looks clean and slow, I’m talking the little mini-bus that you stick your hand out and he near rolls his vehicle to pick you up.
In British terms, it’s dodgy.
The automatic doors have sharp pointy bits that could cost you some digits. There are no seat belts. Hell, some of the chairs are barely secure. The first one I ever travelled in had a broken sunroof, and it was raining.

Then there’s the driver. While travel is relatively cheap in Moscow, it appears he (because it’s always a HE) would do anything for this 35 Roubles (less than 50p with the current exchange rate) fare.  The problem is he takes your money and gives you change. And his phone is in the other hand… while he is driving!  I kid you not.
The next part to mention is that you have to yell to the bus driver to stop.
“Stop” isn’t used in Russian, you would have to say “ostanovit pozhaluysta” which is a mouthful for any Brit, I guarantee. Russian is rated as the third most difficult language to learn in the world (behind Polish of course), and majority of bus drivers are not native Russian themselves (I’m talking Kazakhstan, Armenia, Mongolia) and English isn’t in their repertoire. My wife often laughs at some of the things I used to say to the driver, thinking I was saying the correct Russian phrase. One time I asked him “can I drive?” instead of “can I stop here?”
I’ve had moments where I’m watching an interaction between a driver and a potential costumer, where it looks as though they are yelling at each other. This is normal apparently. They are just “discussing things.”

Let’s back track to the 35 Roubles. Russians enjoy the old school handover process. Pass this along. While that works with your classmates, a bus full of strangers coughing and touching each other’s dirty pennies leaves you feeling in need of a shower just from passing along some coins. Hygiene takes a back seat to laziness. Check out my books at www.jamesbrough.com