Family Feuds: Navigating High Conflict Personality Clashes
10/05/23 • 24 min
Navigating High-Conflict Family Dynamics
In this episode of It's All Your Fault, hosts Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy from the High Conflict Institute tackle challenging questions about high-conflict family members.
Helping a Child with Emotion Dysregulation
The first section covers a listener question about a 6-year-old daughter exhibiting emotional dysregulation similar to the possible borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits of her grandmother. Bill and Megan explain why a child that young can't be diagnosed with BPD, but these early signs could develop into BPD without proper skills training. They recommend validating emotions while teaching healthy self-soothing techniques and impulse control. Genetics may play a role, but good parenting can help steer a child's personality development in a positive direction.
Responding to False Allegations of Causing a Spouse's BPD
The second section discusses an ex-husband accusing his ex-wife of causing his BPD through abuse in their marriage. Bill clarifies that marriages absolutely do not cause personality disorders, which originate in childhood and adolescence due to genetics and early experiences. He advises avoiding engagement with the false allegations and projections. Megan suggests using BIFF responses like "I see this differently" to avoid escalating conflicts. Bill notes the ex-husband may honestly believe the accusations even though they are untrue.
You may be wondering:
- Can young children have personality disorders?
- What are effective regulation skills for emotional kids?
- How do genetics play a role in personality traits?
- Does marriage cause personality disorders?
- How to respond to false abuse allegations?
- When is it impossible to have a calm discussion?
Key Takeaways:
- Personality disorders can't be diagnosed in young children
- Teaching emotion regulation skills early can prevent future problems
- Genetics influence but don't determine personality outcomes
- Marriage does not cause personality disorders
- Avoid engaging with false accusations
- Some people are unable to discuss issues calmly
Bill and Megan provide compassionate clarity on how to handle turbulent family dynamics involving high-conflict personalities. Tune in to gain insight into protecting your peace of mind.
Links & Other Notes:
- COURSES
- BOOKS
- Calming Upset People with EAR (communication technique)
- BIFF For CoParent Communication
- The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner: 365 Days of Healthy Living for Your Body, Mind, and Spirit
- The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for Families: 52 Weeks of Hope, Inspiration, and Mindful Ideas for Greater Peace and Happiness
- ARTICLES
- Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
- Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
- All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
- You can also find these show notes at our site as well.
Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
- (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault ...
Navigating High-Conflict Family Dynamics
In this episode of It's All Your Fault, hosts Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy from the High Conflict Institute tackle challenging questions about high-conflict family members.
Helping a Child with Emotion Dysregulation
The first section covers a listener question about a 6-year-old daughter exhibiting emotional dysregulation similar to the possible borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits of her grandmother. Bill and Megan explain why a child that young can't be diagnosed with BPD, but these early signs could develop into BPD without proper skills training. They recommend validating emotions while teaching healthy self-soothing techniques and impulse control. Genetics may play a role, but good parenting can help steer a child's personality development in a positive direction.
Responding to False Allegations of Causing a Spouse's BPD
The second section discusses an ex-husband accusing his ex-wife of causing his BPD through abuse in their marriage. Bill clarifies that marriages absolutely do not cause personality disorders, which originate in childhood and adolescence due to genetics and early experiences. He advises avoiding engagement with the false allegations and projections. Megan suggests using BIFF responses like "I see this differently" to avoid escalating conflicts. Bill notes the ex-husband may honestly believe the accusations even though they are untrue.
You may be wondering:
- Can young children have personality disorders?
- What are effective regulation skills for emotional kids?
- How do genetics play a role in personality traits?
- Does marriage cause personality disorders?
- How to respond to false abuse allegations?
- When is it impossible to have a calm discussion?
Key Takeaways:
- Personality disorders can't be diagnosed in young children
- Teaching emotion regulation skills early can prevent future problems
- Genetics influence but don't determine personality outcomes
- Marriage does not cause personality disorders
- Avoid engaging with false accusations
- Some people are unable to discuss issues calmly
Bill and Megan provide compassionate clarity on how to handle turbulent family dynamics involving high-conflict personalities. Tune in to gain insight into protecting your peace of mind.
Links & Other Notes:
- COURSES
- BOOKS
- Calming Upset People with EAR (communication technique)
- BIFF For CoParent Communication
- The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner: 365 Days of Healthy Living for Your Body, Mind, and Spirit
- The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for Families: 52 Weeks of Hope, Inspiration, and Mindful Ideas for Greater Peace and Happiness
- ARTICLES
- Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
- Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
- All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
- You can also find these show notes at our site as well.
Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
- (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault ...
Previous Episode
Caught in the Crossfire: Escaping High Conflict Contagion
Understanding High Conflict Contagion Through Projection and Emotional Spread
In this episode of It's All Your Fault, hosts Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy from the High Conflict Institute discuss high conflict contagion through examining psychological projection and emotional spread.
Bill and Megan explain projection, where someone unconsciously projects their own feelings or behaviors onto another person. They share examples of how this manifests in workplace, family, and relationship conflicts, feeding high conflict contagion. Bill notes projection is often entirely unconscious and the projector fully believes their accusations to be true.
The hosts go on to discuss high conflict emotional contagion, where emotions rapidly spread between people during conflict. Bill explains how emotions like anger or fear can quickly spread in a polarized group or during a family dispute, amplifying high conflict contagion. Megan notes recognizing contagion is key to avoiding danger in groups.
You may be wondering:
- How do projection and deflection relate to high conflict contagion?
- What signs indicate someone is projecting onto me?
- How do mirror neurons spread high conflict emotions?
- Why does contagion lead to splitting and polarization?
- How can I avoid getting hooked by high conflict contagion?
Key Takeaways:
- Projection unconsciously spreads high conflict emotions
- High conflict accusations often feel credible but are inaccurate
- Contagion rapidly spreads high conflict emotions like anger
- Recognizing contagion prevents group polarization
- Checking assumptions avoids getting hooked by high conflict contagion
Bill and Megan provide insight into projection and emotional contagion as drivers of high conflict contagion in the workplace and family. Tune in to learn how to identify and respond to these unconscious dynamics.
Links & Other Notes
- HCI Live Lab (for 1:1 practice managing high-conflict situations, with our coaches)
- BOOKS
- ARTICLES
- Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
- Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
- All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
- You can also find these show notes at our site as well.
Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
- (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
- (00:36) - High Conflict Contagion
- (01:06) - Projection
- (10:37) - Deflection
- (14:06) - Contagion
- (22:41) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Family Conflict
Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
Next Episode
Over the Fence: High Conflict Neighbor Disputes
Keeping the Peace with High Conflict Neighbors
In this episode of It's All Your Fault, hosts Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy tackle strategies for dealing with turbulent neighbor relationships driven by high conflict personalities.
Responding to False Allegations Between Neighbors
The episode opens with a listener question about two neighbors targeting each other – one with possible borderline/narcissistic traits and the other with paranoid, histrionic, and antisocial tendencies. Bill emphasizes not diagnosing anyone but notes these likely contribute to the conflict.
He recommends consulting a lawyer about legal options and avoiding engagement with false accusations. Megan adds using empathy, attention, and respect (EAR) statements can help calm tensions. They discuss cautiously recruiting an ally from the other family to encourage reasonableness.
Using Mediation with High Conflict Disputes
Another listener asks about using mediation with high-conflict disputes. Bill draws on his mediation experience and explains a specialized structure and process often helps settle these cases. Neutrality or education on expectations can be effective. Agreements made directly tend to have higher compliance.
You may be wondering:
- How to respond to false allegations from a neighbor?
- When is it appropriate to involve a lawyer?
- Can mediation work with high conflict people?
- What is the best mediator approach?
- How to identify and engage a helpful ally?
Key Takeaways:
- Don’t engage in arguments with hostile neighbors
- Consult lawyers cautiously about legal options
- Empathy and calm responses can ease tensions
- Specially designed mediation can settle many disputes
- Participation increases commitment to agreements
Bill and Megan share proven techniques to reduce the drama and damage caused by high conflict neighbors. Learn subtle but powerful strategies to reclaim your peace of mind.
Links & Other Notes:
- AUDIO
- BOOKS
- ARTICLES
- LIVE LAB
- Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
- Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
- All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
- You can also find these show notes at our site as well.
Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
- (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
- (01:04) - High Conflict Neighbor Disputes
- (10:48) - Mediation
- (14:39) - Needing Authority
- (21:55) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Divorce, Custody Battles, and Alienation
Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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