Intimate Interactions

Consent is so relative to the culture in which you’re interacting. I almost perceive it as the most important kind of etiquette a culture practices; however how a culture practices consent can look wildly different one to the next.

In my opinion, there’s no long linear string of evolution of concepts from touching and grunting through to highly intellectual discussion and negotiation. Instead there are clouds or pillars of vetting consent. Just because some of that vetting or certainty or support for consent is missing doesn’t mean you don’t have consent; however, Western society has such litigious and indemnity focused ideas that when non consent has happened, we are often asked what we did to prevent the outcome or mitigate damage if it arose.

So we have yes means yes consent and also no means no consent, two separate philosophies that can exist independent of each other or superimposed.

More interestingly, those philosophies really struggle to spread when people have direct proof they aren’t always right.

If at a frat party, two people have sex with each other and walk away after sobering up with a handshake or possibly an “oh - you’re still here?” kind of question, many might look down on those consent practices feeling consent while drunk isn’t consent or sex without negotiation isn’t informed, et cetera, et cetera.

Now I can’t know the inner experience of those two people. It’s not for me to try to convince someone else they’ve been assaulted. Trying to change someone’s inner experience verges on gaslighting territory in my opinion. So ultimately I have to take it on faith that when someone describes their inner state, they’re either being truthful or they don’t want to engage in discussion about it. So if they want to talk, I have to trust they’re giving me reasonably honest accounts of their feelings.

So if someone says they consented, it’s not for me to correct them.

We can say certain practices more often produce subjective experiences of nonconsent. Absolutely we can. However if we want to communicate better consent practices to help people avoid unintentionally giving others subjective experiences of nonconsent - even if they can indemnify themselves against punitive or legal consequences somehow, we need to stop talking in absolutes.

In my opinion, we need to start more honestly giving people the nuance they need to navigate this stuff. Sure, we need to communicate to our audiences on the level they’re at - sure. However we want to believe university students learning physics, math, computer science, literature - that these fine minds of tomorrow can’t understand subjective experiences and better consent practices?

The biggest objection I run into with educating university students is an attention span argument: you have got to distill what you’re saying so a drunken frat boy will remember it at a party a week from tonight. Credit to Reid Mihalko for that excellent litmus test.

I think a nuanced framework is necessary. I suggest something like my VOICES Consent Framework which you can find at intimate victor dot com forward slash consent. I love teaching it. I also encourage you to teach it. Reach out to me for permission. If you aren’t charging for the education, I’m not charging you to teach it.

Get in touch if you want to collaborate on teaching better consent.

And now, let’s hear Court Vox share his advice on getting consent on hook-up apps here on Intimate Interactions.

Today we’re talking about sexual surrogacy: what is it, who does it, how does it work, and is it sex work. Andre Lazarus, a Surrogate Partner and Sacred Intimate himself with over 10 years of experience in non monogamy, joins us to give us the goods. His new project is the Open to More: How to Navigate Consensual Non-monogamy course at https://coming-closer.com/. You can find him @comingcloserwithandre on social media.

Resources

IPSA (International Professional Surrogacy Association)

https://www.surrogatetherapy.org/

After a fall damaged her shoulder and she needed surgery to fix it, Billie has waited eighteen months so far due to various complications. Today we talk about chronic stress, strategies, and symptoms. We also talk about medical testing and explain what POTS is.

Usually the acquiring and losing of skills and abilities is compressed towards learning when you’re younger and losing when you’re older. In some ways, chronic illness and loss of ability is like aging in super speed with your body fighting back to retain what it can. While we often think of people as how they lived, not how they died; so too do I see among the loss and death of things in chronic illness the vivacity and life that carries us through it.

It may seem confusing to have life and fun so intermingled with death and loss; it can be hard with chronically ill folks as some might describe, “watch them die slowly” but in truth you’re also watching them live. In some ways the triumph of life and joy and fun over great adversity is a hallmark of the human condition and an essential part of our nature that has led from the first cell that existed on the planet through its descendants, each reaching sexual maturity, reproducing, and protecting their offspring long enough for them to reach sexual maturity. That unbroken chain from the proverbial slime in the primordial soup through single-celled life like bacteria, still ubiquitous and successful today, through other branches of successful modern life like plants and animals; even fast forwarding to hominid - think great apes - evolution from the first apes to stand upright to the first tool users to your most distant imagined ancestors all the way to your life today - every single organism from that first cell to you exists suspended in time in an unbroken chain.

That chain is no shorter and no less impressive for any human being alive today, including the human I interview today, Billie, a veteran of EDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) with other conditions like POTS (Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), has some great take aways. Last time, we covered the psychology of surviving sickness.

Today we continue chatting about how appreciation of the high points in our life change throughout life. That is to say a great blackberry that you eat when you’re 27 might be more appreciated in a genuinely grateful kind of way at 57 when you can’t eat them anymore than when you were 27. This idea, that gratitude need not occur simultaneously with experience, is one of my favourite take-aways from the session; but it’ll make more sense when Billie communicates it herself. As usual, content warning for graphic descriptions of sickness and dark humour.

Happy Two Year Anniversary of Intimate Interactions Podcast! This is the current episode I'm publishing to my patreon feed that I decided I'd publish to my free feed early! ^.^ Remember all of my content publishes free but as a thank-you to my patreon subscribers, I offer early access to great content.
What does it mean when you feel a sense of intimacy that isn’t reciprocal? Today I’d love to focus on an aspect of that question: what is intimacy in podcasting? Do you know me? Do you know things about me? Do you know things about me very few people in my day-to-day life know? I would say the answer to most of those questions is probably: somewhat.

Usually knowing those things, experiencing that intimacy - it represents a connection. Usually we could both predict what the other would likely do, feel, and

Get ready for some meta content, folks. I am honoured to introduce you to both: one of my favourite short fiction podcasts, and to the esteemed veteran podcasters that in my opinion use their voices to promote talented new authors and build the writing community - all while bringing you great new fiction by donation or if you prefer, for free. S.B. Divya, Mur Lafferty, and Alasdair Stuart.

By the way, it’s the two year anniversary of Intimate Interactions - hooray! Who would have thought I’d be interviewing veteran podcasters from a popular podcast on my little show? If you want to show me some love, post something kind on https://www.facebook.com/intimatevictor

First, we’ll start with a quick introduction I recorded with SB Divya as one example of the kind of folks who have hosted Escape Pod. I’ll feature Mur’s intro next episode.

SB Divya

• Former engineer specializing in machine learning with an education in computational neuroscience and signal processing
  
• Writer https://www.eff-words.com/
  

Mur Lafferty

• Many accolades including winning two parsec awards in the same year in 2008, won the 2018 Best Fancast Hugo Award for Ditch Diggers
  
• Writer http://murverse.com
  

Alasdair Stuart

• Co-owns Escape Artist Podcasts
  
• Writer https://alasdairstuart.com/ (as seen in the Guardian, Sci Fi Now, How it Works, The Fortean Times, Neo, SFX, Bleeding Cool)
  

Escape Artists (https://escapeartists.net/)

• Podcastle, The Fantasy Fiction Podcast
  
• Pseudopod, The Sound of Horror
  
• Escape Pod, The Original Science Fiction Podcast
  
  • 576 - Karma among the Cloud Kings
    
• Cast of Wonders, The Young Adult Speculative Fiction Podcast
  
• Support them at https://www.patreon.com/EAPodcasts
  

Session 1 questions I'll be asking will likely be similar to:

1) What's the most intimate part of podcasting for you?

2) What excites you about podcasting?

3) Do you consider what you create art and why (or why not)?

4) How do you decide what to share of yourself or your life in your introductions and analysis of stories?

5) What has your time on Escape Pod taught you about life?