80 How to Help a Loved One Who is Suicidal

08/09/21 • 51 min

Interior Integration for Catholics

Through dramatic reenactments, experiential exercises and the best of available resources, Dr. Peter brings you critical information to help you better love those near you who are struggling with suicidal thoughts and impulses. Learn how to be a much better first responder in these situations and to be a bridge to additional resources for your loved ones who are considering suicide.
Lead-in: Imagine a young man, a teenager you care about, one you really love, a family member or friend, or the son of a friend, comes to you, in distress, and he shares this with you -- listen closely as he tells you what's on his heart. [insert script].
1. So now you have this upset, desperate man in front of you, who wants to be dead.
  1. What do you do? How do you handle this situation?
  2. But before we go there, let's start with you. We created a scenario to evoke what might come up in real life when your encounter a loved one who is suicidal.
  3. What do you notice going on inside you right now?
    1. What is happening in your body?
    2. Emotions?
    3. Assumptions or beliefs about yourself?
    4. Memories, desires, impulses.
    5. Replay the last clip
    6. What are parts of you saying to you about you right now?
    7. Really pay attention to those messages
1. I will make a bold claim here -- the number one thing you struggle with in being a first responder to a loved one with suicidal levels distress is [drum roll] your own internal experience.
1. The problem you have is not so much inside the distressed loved one.
1. The problem you have is inside of you, deep within you.
1. You get wrapped up in our own fear, shame, guilt, anger, or your own sense of inadequacy.
1. Did you feel any of that that in this example, confronted with this teenager in such distress, who feels so strongly the desire to die?
  1. Did you feel uncomfortable, on edge, uncertain? Anxious? Ineffective, inadequate? Responsible, but not knowing what to do? Did you experience any self-criticism? Any of those experiences?
2. 1. If so, you’ve come to the right place. I can help with that. [Insert Intro]
Intro:
1. Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, I like being together with you in this whole adventure, as we learn about suicide and what to do about it, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski,, passionate Catholic first and clinical psychologist as well, and you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast. Thank you for being here with me. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com
1. This is the fifth in our series on Suicide.
  1. In episode 76, we got into what the secular experts have to say about suicide.
2. 1. In episode 77, we reviewed the suicides in Sacred Scripture, in the Bible.
3. 1. In episode 78, we sought to really understand the phenomenological worlds of those who kill themselves -- what happens inside? How can we understand suicidal behaviors more clearly, dispelling myths and gripping on to the sense of desperation and the need for relief that drives so much suicidal behavior.
4. 1. And in the last episode, number 79, we took a deep dive into the devastating impact of suicide on the parents, spouses, children, siblings, and friends who were left behind.
5. Today's episode, number 80 is entitled "How to Help a Loved One Who is Suicidal."
6. We are getting into the nitty-gritty of what do you do when someone you are close to is suicidal?
7. In short, how do you love someone who is so distressed, so desperate, that they are seriously considering killing themselves?
8. First a brief caveat -- I can't, in a single podcast episode, train you to be a crisis intervention specialist. That takes dedicated training. But you know what? Most people with these suicidal levels of distress don't seek out crisis intervention specialists or therapists or counselors first. They go to the people they know. They go to the people whom they hope and believe will love them. They go to you. What you'll learn today is for your own information, to help you understand what's going on and how best to act as a first responder and a bridge to long-lasting help that can heal.
Love your neighbor as yourself. Diliges proximum tuum tamquam teipsum. Inflection of dīligō (second-person singular future active indicative) The second great commandment. Love your neighbor as yourself. Diliges proximum tuum

Through dramatic reenactments, experiential exercises and the best of available resources, Dr. Peter brings you critical information to help you better love those near you who are struggling with suicidal thoughts and impulses. Learn how to be a much better first responder in these situations and to be a bridge to additional resources for your loved ones who are considering suicide.
Lead-in: Imagine a young man, a teenager you care about, one you really love, a family member or friend, or the son of a friend, comes to you, in distress, and he shares this with you -- listen closely as he tells you what's on his heart. [insert script].
1. So now you have this upset, desperate man in front of you, who wants to be dead.
  1. What do you do? How do you handle this situation?
  2. But before we go there, let's start with you. We created a scenario to evoke what might come up in real life when your encounter a loved one who is suicidal.
  3. What do you notice going on inside you right now?
    1. What is happening in your body?
    2. Emotions?
    3. Assumptions or beliefs about yourself?
    4. Memories, desires, impulses.
    5. Replay the last clip
    6. What are parts of you saying to you about you right now?
    7. Really pay attention to those messages
1. I will make a bold claim here -- the number one thing you struggle with in being a first responder to a loved one with suicidal levels distress is [drum roll] your own internal experience.
1. The problem you have is not so much inside the distressed loved one.
1. The problem you have is inside of you, deep within you.
1. You get wrapped up in our own fear, shame, guilt, anger, or your own sense of inadequacy.
1. Did you feel any of that that in this example, confronted with this teenager in such distress, who feels so strongly the desire to die?
  1. Did you feel uncomfortable, on edge, uncertain? Anxious? Ineffective, inadequate? Responsible, but not knowing what to do? Did you experience any self-criticism? Any of those experiences?
2. 1. If so, you’ve come to the right place. I can help with that. [Insert Intro]
Intro:
1. Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, I like being together with you in this whole adventure, as we learn about suicide and what to do about it, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski,, passionate Catholic first and clinical psychologist as well, and you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast. Thank you for being here with me. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com
1. This is the fifth in our series on Suicide.
  1. In episode 76, we got into what the secular experts have to say about suicide.
2. 1. In episode 77, we reviewed the suicides in Sacred Scripture, in the Bible.
3. 1. In episode 78, we sought to really understand the phenomenological worlds of those who kill themselves -- what happens inside? How can we understand suicidal behaviors more clearly, dispelling myths and gripping on to the sense of desperation and the need for relief that drives so much suicidal behavior.
4. 1. And in the last episode, number 79, we took a deep dive into the devastating impact of suicide on the parents, spouses, children, siblings, and friends who were left behind.
5. Today's episode, number 80 is entitled "How to Help a Loved One Who is Suicidal."
6. We are getting into the nitty-gritty of what do you do when someone you are close to is suicidal?
7. In short, how do you love someone who is so distressed, so desperate, that they are seriously considering killing themselves?
8. First a brief caveat -- I can't, in a single podcast episode, train you to be a crisis intervention specialist. That takes dedicated training. But you know what? Most people with these suicidal levels of distress don't seek out crisis intervention specialists or therapists or counselors first. They go to the people they know. They go to the people whom they hope and believe will love them. They go to you. What you'll learn today is for your own information, to help you understand what's going on and how best to act as a first responder and a bridge to long-lasting help that can heal.
Love your neighbor as yourself. Diliges proximum tuum tamquam teipsum. Inflection of dīligō (second-person singular future active indicative) The second great commandment. Love your neighbor as yourself. Diliges proximum tuum

Previous Episode

79 Suicide's Devastating Impact on Those Left Behind

Dr. Peter brings you inside the inner world of so many parents, spouses, children, and siblings of those who died by suicide. Through an imagination exercise, research, quotes from family members, and the Internal Family Systems model of the person, he invites you to a deeper understanding of other others experience a loved one's suicide.
Lead-in
1. The world is full of ‘friends’ of suicide victims thinking ‘if I had only made that drive over there, I could have done something.’ —Darnell Lamont Walker an artist; a writer, photographer, painter, and filmmaker.
1. Ok, so we're continuing to discuss suicide here, we're taking on the tough topics
1. And I want to start with a caution -- if you have lost a loved one to suicide, this episode may be really healing but it also may be really difficult. If you are raw and struggling with a death, be really thoughtful about when and how you listen to this. Pay attention to your window of tolerance and if it's too much right now, know that I respect that and I invite you to approach this topic in a way that is right for you, with help from a counselor, a spiritual director, a trusted friend, somebody you know.
1. Also, this imagination exercise will be hard to really get into if you're driving or engaged in other activities. You can try it, but it's going to be really emotionally evocative for many people. I suggest that you create a good space to engage with
1. Imagine looking through your front window and seeing a police cruiser pull up. One uniformed police officer gets out and a woman in plainclothes and they slowly walk to your door. They ring the doorbell. You open the door. The officer removes his hat and tucks it under his arm. The man seems nervous and clears his throat. The woman introduces herself and tells you she is the victims' assistance coordinator or something like that for your county. She asks your name. You give it. She asks if they can come inside and talk with you. "We have very difficult news for you," she says with sympathy in her brown eyes. Your heart stops beating. The officer looks away, he looks like he'd be anywhere else, rather than here with you. You let them in, now only vaguely aware of your surroundings, the shape your living room is in right now.
1. From the couch, in a gentle, matter-of-fact and very calm manner , the victim service coordinator tells you that the one you so love, you so cherish in the world is dead. She names the name. Yes, it's verified. Yes, there is no mistake. How, how did this happen you ask. The officer explains the details of the citizens' reports called in earlier in the day. He was the first law enforcement officer on the scene, got there just before the EMTs, he had photographed the body, taken notes, conducted the brief investigation. His throat catches. There are tears in his eyes. He hates this part of the job. He tells a few details of the suicide scene. You need to know this, he says, I'm required to tell you. The woman reaches out her professional hand to you, offering her version of compassion.
1. Observe what's going on inside you right now, as you enter into this scene in your imagination. What is happening in your body, your thoughts, you emotions, your impulses, your desires? Let yourself enter into this experience
1. The victims' assistance coordinator is discussing a few details "Things I have to tell you" she says. Standard protocols in situations like this. Something about confirming the identity in the morgue, something else about an autopsy. Something about who you can lean on in your support network family and friends. Something about how hard this all is to take in at once. And there are some government forms to fill out. And a very nicely designed brochure entitled "Surviving the Loss of a Loved One to Suicide" that you get to keep for handy reference. Do you have any questions at this point she asks? Yes, we are sure it's your loved one. The identification was very clear, there is no mistake.
1. Stay with this experience for just a minute if you can without losing your grounding.
1. See if you can just accept what's going on inside -- and acceptance doesn't necessarily mean endorsement -- see if you can accept what's going on inside and really experience it -- the feelings, the impulses, the assumptions, the thoughts, the beliefs, the implications, whatever is coming up.
1. Do you notice different parts within you? Different modes of being, maybe different messages coming to you?
1. You may just have experienced a taste, a sip of the cup that 300,000 parents, siblings, children and spouses of those who die by suicide experience each year in the US, and millions worldwide. Hang o...

Next Episode

81 Grieving is the Price We Pay for Loving

If we love deeply, we're going to grieve deeply. It's inevitable. And it's that simple. So together, let's understand and experience grief better in order to love better. In this episode, I review the popular models of grief with their strengths and limitations, illustrating them through poetry, quotes, and evaluating them with the best of the psychological research.
Lead-in: We are going to start out with a simple truth. We Catholics get close to people. We get close to people
1. We form deep, intimate bonds with our Parents, siblings, spouses, children, our friends -- all those we love.
  1. Last weekend, I was at my grandson's baptism. Tiny little guy, names William Peter.
  2. I'm not super sentimental, not one to just burst into intense emotion at the drop of a hat, but holding him and talking with him. I could feel the bond developing. He's really growing on me. My first grandson. William Peter. I told myself I wasn't going to be one of those fawning grandfathers that shows the pictures around to everyone and prattles on about grandchildren, but here I am, bringing it up in a podcast episode. I love that little guy. I really do, I've been surprised at how quickly that all developed.
  3. We form deep intimate bond with people.
  4. And that's a great privilege, an honor, a sacred thing.
    1. October 29, 2017 before the Angelus Prayer, Pope Francis
      1. Indeed, we were created to love and to be loved. God, who is Love, created us to make us participants in his life, to be loved by him and to love him, and with him, to love all other people. This is God’s “dream” for mankind.
1. But in this life there's a difficult side to that. The realities that entered the world with original sin.
2. Inevitably, we lose at least some of these bonds, these connections -- in our fallen world, they are not permanent, they are temporary
  1. Parents die
3. 1. Some experience a romantic breakup -- or a divorce
4. 1. Estrangements, ties being cut
5. And we experience the loss of someone
6. Jandy Nelson succinctly sums up the mystery when she writes “Grief and love are conjoined—you don’t get one without the other.”
7. My Constant Companion By Kelly Roper

Grief is my companion,

It takes me by the hand,

And walks along beside me

in a dark and barren land.

How long will this lonesome journey last,

How much more can my weary heart bear?

Since your death, I’ve been lost in the fog,

Too burdened with sorrow and care.

People tell me my sadness will fade,

And my tears will reach their end.

Grief and I must complete our journey,

And then maybe I’ll find happiness again.

Talking to Grief by Denise Levertov

Ah, Grief, I should not treat you

like a homeless dog

who comes to the back door

for a crust, for a meatless bone.

I should trust you.

I should coax you

into the house and give you

your own corner,

a worn mat to lie on,

your own water dish.

You think I don't know you've been living

under my porch.

You long for your real place to be readied

before winter comes. You need

your name,

your collar and tag. You need

the right to warn off intruders,

to consider

my house your own

and me your person

and yourself

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” ― E.A. Bucchianeri
And we pay on a sliding fee scale as Orson Scott Card tells us
1. “Life is full of grief, to exactly the degree we allow ourselves to love other people.”
Grief -- after five episodes on suicide, it seemed like the next topic. Stay with me as we investigate grief...
Intro:
1. Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, I am so glad you are hear with me for these moments together, thank you for spending the time. As you know, I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, where we don't hesitate to take on the tough topics that matter to you. We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com
1. Today's episode, number 81 is entitled "Grieving is the Price We Pay for Loving" and it's released on August 16, 2021
1. We are broaching the big topic of grief. We touched on it briefly way back in episode 15, but now we're ge...