Esther Perel on Masculinity, Power & Relationships at Work

10/04/18 • 52 min

I am so honored to bring to you this conversation with a personal heroine of mine: Esther Perel. Esther is truly a thought leader in the space, with a perspective on modern relationships that is refreshingly original, insightful, and pretty un-American. Recently, she’s been stretching the bounds of her work beyond the bedroom, which is the focus of this episode.
More about this episode: majomolfino.com/blog/2018/10/4/esther-perel
Can we apply something like couple's therapy to co-workers and how easily does it translate? In this episode, Esther shares how to bring the relational intelligence from our romantic lives (things like trust, empathy, vulnerability, etc) into our most difficult, stressful work relationships and creative collaborations, especially in the context of patriarchy and the #MeToo movement.
Esther’s work practically saved my relationship with my husband before we got married– and her work really helped us see what sustains desire between two people over the long-term. Her celebrated TED talks have garnered more than 20 million views and her international bestselling book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence became a global phenomenon translated into 25 languages. Her newest book is the New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Esther is also an executive producer and host of the popular podcast called Where Should We Begin?
I know you will find this conversation fascinating and applicable to your life.
Show Notes
Esther shares about her childhood as a bold and extroverted girl, her experience as an immigrant and the daughter of Holocaust survivors, and getting by on the goodwill of people willing to help her. [2:48]
Esther turns the table on Majo and asks why she felt pressured to focus on her career over relationships for so long. Plus, how Esther became a “disciple of people” and learned to navigate uncertainty while writing her first book. [7:43]
Why Esther enjoys taking on difficult and taboo subjects, and her non-prescriptive approach to finding solutions. [11:35]
The major problem with our current culture of experts. [15:43]
Bringing her expertise to the context of work: Esther shares her insights as a cross-cultural therapist, and the big shift she’s seeing toward reliance on relational intelligence as the core of company success. [19:59]
Why do 65% of startups fail? Co-founder breakups. Esther discusses the deep, intimate, and often turbulent relationship between company founders. [26:10]
Majo shares two true scenarios with Esther for advice on how to navigate relationships. Scenario 1: A woman being constantly triggered by her male manager who refuses to listen to her advice. [30:51]
Scenario 2: A woman feeling disempowered by a male CEO who favors his own ideas over hers. [38:24]
On difficult conversations, what’s missing from the #MeToo movement, and how we reshape and redefine relational thinking through communication (not policies or rules). [43:23]
“Patriarchy doesn’t just hurt women.” On polarized systems, masculine vs feminine, and the honesty required on both sides. [46:30]
From the bedroom to the boardroom – more resources on translating the personal to the professional. [49:39]
Resources:
Majo’s website – majo.co
Esther’s website – estherperel.com
Esther’s event – “The Masculinity Paradox” on November 10 in NYC – estherperel.com/therapists-and-coaches
Music by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs – carolynpennypackerriggs.com
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Previous Episode

How To Say No — Boundaries Minisode (1/4)

For more tips and inspiration, go to my website majo.co and follow me on Instagram @majo.heroine
This is the first minisode in a four part series on boundaries. Make sure to listen to the entire series, so that you can have those healthy boundaries that allow you to thrive as a modern woman, when there are so many demands on your time and energy. By the end of the series, you’re honestly going to feel like you have so many more tools in your toolbelt to conserve your energy, so that you can channel it towards your creativity and calling on this planet. Because we ain’t got time, to be diddle daddling, OK? We need you to have those boundaries, so that you can function and be a badass.
In this minisode on boundaries, I’m going to give you a simple template for saying no. SO SIMPLE you’re going to be like OMG, why did this take so long?
LMK ask you this one question – How do you feel when you say yes to something, but you really mean no? Take a few seconds to think about it. What feelings come up when you agree to something you don’t really want to do, or care to do?
When I ask most women this, they admit they feel resentful, bitter, annoyed, at the other person and themselves.
It’s a radical concept but when you say YES when you mean NO so that you can please someone or not make them upset or because it’s easier, YOU LOSE TRUST IN YOURSELF. You essentially abandon yourself. That’s a big problem.
The solution to this is to communicate what you want, to communicate your focus, and communicate your priority.
Let’s take a really sticky situation. One of my clients wanted to quit her job forever, but was stalling because she didn’t want to set this boundary – to say no more to this soul-crushing job that was sucking the life out of her. She was scared of her boss’ disappointment, of her parent’s backlash etc. You know the drill. When we drilled down, it became obvious that she was nervous about not finding the right words, or screwing up in the moment, so we wrote out a script that she could practice and role play with her friends and roommates. That made it way easier. Based on the “sandwich” technique, she started and ended on a positive note, and shared her desire for the future as the filling of the sandwich. It looked like this:
Positive: I’m grateful that I spent the last two years at this company as I learned so much.
Desire: It’s time that I focus on transitioning into design that focuses on social impact and international development.
Positive: Again, I want to reiterate that I’ve grown enormously through your guidance and appreciated all the autonomy you’ve given me throughout the years.
Notice how she didn’t say NO to the job, but say YES to her focus...to the direction she wanted to move in.
You can do this for anything – if someone asks you for your time, energy, or money, instead of saying NO, telling them what you’re saying YES to. I can’t go to Jamaica this year, because I’m focusing on launching my Etsy store. I can’t speak at your event on pickles, because I’m focused on almond milk this year. I can’t donate $100 to your campaign, because I’m donating my funds this year to animal right’s issues.
Get it?
So clear. Let people know what you care about, and they’ll understand you’re saying no to them, and they’ll respect you for it. They’ll be like dang, this woman knows what she wants. And if they’re pissed and you experience backlash, then fuck em’. That ain’t your problem. Your commitment is to yourself.
Go get it, heroine.
That’s it, if you care about living an empowered life as a woman on this planet, go follow me on Instagram @majo.heroine more juiciness – and go to my website majo.co and get on my email list for more updates about my work and this podcast. You got options. Make sure to be in touch.

Next Episode

A Simple Technique for Staying Grounded — Boundaries Minisode (2/4)

For more tips and inspiration, go to my website majo.co and instagram @majo.heroine
This is the second minisode in a four part series on boundaries. Make sure to listen to the entire series, so that you can have those healthy boundaries that allow you to thrive as a modern woman, when there are so many demands on your time and energy.
Have you ever been talking to someone and then you felt completely drained? Maybe that person was in a terrible mood, or complaining, or qualifies for a personality disorder. Whatever, the case, you feel fried.
In this minisode on boundaries, I’m going to give you a simple technique for staying grounded when you’re face-to-face with someone who feels like they might be sucking the energy off of you.
Obviously, the most ideal scenario is for you to steer clear from energy vampires, or to cut the conversation short, and leave.
But let’s say you’re locked in, and you’re like fuck, what do I do?
The technique is this: drop your attention down to your feet, specifically the soles of your feet. Feel them make contact with the ground. Go ahead and do that now as you listen to this, bring your attention to your feet. And then take deep lower belly breaths. So, attention on the feet, and deep breaths while the person is speaking.
The benefits of this simple move are amazing. You will walk away feeling less floored, and swayed by the other person’s emotions. If you’re an empath like me, you’ll feel less emotional contagion between you and the person. Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself.
That’s it, if you care about living an empowered life as a woman on this planet, go follow me on Instagram @majo.heroine more juiciness – and go to my website majo.co and get on my email list for more updates about my work and this podcast. You got options. Make sure to be in touch.