Episode 87 - Priestcrap, If You Will

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12/15/24 • 119 min

The episode begins with Moroni, Abish, Abigail, and aaaAAAaaa exchanging their signature witty repartee. They reminisce about a birthday party that veered from Pinterest-perfect to Mad Max: Sprinkles Road and introduce this week's cocktail, "Keeping the Sabbath Day Ho-ho-holy." It's a holiday drink so sugary it might prompt repentance—or a dental visit. Highlights include a roast of Home Alone's logistics, Pedro Pascal fangirling, and an enthusiastic tangent about the absurdity of Teeth: The Musical. The crew sets the scene for what promises to be a rollercoaster of irreverence and intellect.
Scriptures: [00:18:16]
Hijinks & Detours: What starts as a dive into Doctrine & Covenants 59-60 derails into the confusion between Italian filmmaker Luca Guadagnino and Luigi Mangione, CEO slayer. Naturally, chaos reigns.
Sabbath Commandments: The hosts tackle themes of gratitude, righteousness, and loving your neighbor with skepticism and snark. A side debate erupts: "Is excessive laughter really that bad?" Consensus? Absolutely not—especially if it involves people getting hit by buses in movies.
Missouri or Bust: Doctrine & Covenants 60’s divine call-out of stage fright sparks debate about introvert shame. Edward Partridge gets roasted as the unwitting divine Venmo account. A vivid sidebar imagines all of this as bedtime reading for Fred Savage—Deadpool style.
Church Teachings: [00:37:48]
Abish leads a rollicking critique of LDS Sabbath teachings, unpacking rules like “no recreational activities” and “confess sins on Sunday,” which feel more like medieval quest prompts than modern guidelines.
Anecdotes: The hosts share cringe-worthy personal stories, like hosting missionaries during the Super Bowl and mistakenly eating ant-filled biscuits. Lessons? Sabbath rules are impractical and ants do not belong in biscuits.
Cultural Enforcement: Small-town LDS Sabbath rigidity gets compared to HOA enforcement—only with more guilt and fewer lawn gnomes.
History: [00:59:36]
Abigail introduces Jacob Hamblin, the Mormon missionary with a flair for miracles and a Wikipedia entry that screams "citation needed." His life, from regrettable early marriage to miracle claims, gets dissected with a mix of humor and historical critique.
Blended Family & Blunders: Hamblin's family drama includes polygamy, a traumatized child survivor of Mountain Meadows, and a teenage Paiute wife who bailed. His home life? Essentially a pioneer reality show.
Peacemaker Legacy: Despite questionable choices, Hamblin’s diplomacy with Native tribes stands out as ahead of its time. He’s dubbed “the least heinous guy in a heinous era.”
The episode ends with the crew marveling at the absurdity of Mormon history, noting that even a figure like Jacob Hamblin seems oddly progressive—if you squint hard enough.
This episode serves up hilarity, irreverence, and just enough historical critique to keep you coming back for more.

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Previous Episode

Episode 86 - Rocky Road Flavored Christianity

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The intro sets the tone with failed barbershop harmonizing and a nostalgia-fueled romp through college adventures, including midnight Denny’s runs and themed menus like the Hobbit-inspired offerings. Naturally, this spirals into a critique of The Hobbit movies and the invention of “Mimosa for Jesus,” a grenadine-enhanced mimosa too good for Rivendell but perfect for brunch. The segment closes with absurd musings about dental visits, the weight of wet bones, and shoving hosts into metaphorical (and literal) lockers. Who needs a narrative arc when chaos reigns?

Scriptures: [00:10:34]

Abish dissects Doctrine and Covenants Section 58 with her signature blend of humor and exasperation, dubbing it “Doctrine and Covenants and Bullshit” for its endless repetition. She highlights Joseph Smith’s knack for rebranding suffering as a holy virtue, sprinkled with shady public rebukes for individuals like Edward Partridge. Between digs at Smith’s manipulative streak and modern parallels, the hosts critique how “divinely necessary” hardships always seem to serve the one handing them out. Add in some spicy commentary on celestial promises that never pay out, and you've got a roast Joseph himself might applaud—begrudgingly.

Church Teachings: [00:33:32]

Moroni leads a deep dive into Revelation’s symbolic "Marriage of the Lamb," where Jesus gets metaphorically hitched to His church. Highbrow scriptural analysis meets lowbrow wedding dress jokes, with detours into biblical fanfic territory and inappropriate metaphorical feasts. Personal stories about sheep farming (and spider-sheep?) somehow add to the theological chaos. If you’ve ever wondered what Jesus' wedding registry might look like, this is your segment. Spoiler alert: no one’s buying him fine linen.

History: [00:53:45]

Abigail pulls back the curtain on Mormonism’s magical roots, from Joseph Smith’s peep stones to treasure digging. The group connects these practices to broader cultural trends while cracking jokes about Smith’s “magic hat” and Houdini-level theatrics. Then, the Houdini deep dive begins: a life of death-defying escapes, petty drama, and debunking frauds. Whether he’s gifting Queen Victoria’s dress to his mom or dunking on Arthur Conan Doyle, Houdini lives up to his "chaotic gremlin" moniker.

And, of course, his death doesn’t disappoint—fatal punches and appendicitis blend into a cautionary tale of toxic masculinity. Bonus content: Houdini’s ghost pact with his wife and how his lack of posthumous appearances became his greatest trick of all.

Wrapping things up, the hosts tease future episodes exploring the bizarre intersections of spiritualism, Mormonism, and Nazism.
Stay tuned!

Next Episode

Episode 88 - Satan is a Waterbender

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On today's episode, Abish greets "babies and adults" alike with her signature chaotic energy, dragging her co-hosts into a bizarrely heated debate about ginger genetics and hair color. This meandering opener evolves into a showcase of the drink of the week, “Cursed Waters,” a cocktail that starts bright and cheerful but turns ominously dark when stirred—a perfect metaphor for this week’s topic. Between spilled drinks, toddler chaos, and lamenting the moral bankruptcy of reality TV, the crew finds their rhythm and gears up to tackle Satan, his dominion over the waters, and more.
Scriptures: [00:23:11]
Moroni dives into Doctrine and Covenants 61–62, unpacking Joseph Smith’s dramatic revelation that “the waters are cursed, but the land is blessed.” The team speculates that Joseph might have just hated canoeing or feared cholera, turning this into a divine proclamation. They roast verbose apologetics, contrasting them with beloved yet inconsistent narratives like Harry Potter.
The conversation takes a sharp turn when the hosts reflect on divine intervention—or lack thereof—in personal trials, particularly Abish’s experience navigating the Bishlet's illness last Christmas. They critique religious double standards that attribute good fortune to God while framing hardships as tests or punishments. The segment concludes with a poignant message: life isn’t meant to be endured for celestial approval; it’s meant to be fully lived, as beautifully illustrated by the movie About Time.
Church Teachings: [00:57:03]
aaaAAAaaa takes us down the rabbit hole of Joseph Smith’s infamous “Satan controls the waters” revelation, blending biting humor with historical analysis. Did Joseph really receive divine insight, or was he just over canoeing? The team dives into Ezra Booth’s critiques and riffs on Joseph’s alleged aversion to physical challenges. They hilariously reimagine church history, drawing parallels between Satan’s watery dominion and Joseph’s habit of pivoting revelations to fit his convenience.
History: [01:15:58]
Abigail takes the lead with a snarky mashup of Satan and Santa, referencing pop culture gems like Dear Santa starring Jack Black. The segment explores Satan’s evolution from a medieval nuisance to the fiery anti-hero of modern media, with detours into etymology (Lucifer means "light-bringer," not "goat-dude") and art history’s questionable attempts at demonizing the devil.

The discussion gets hilariously academic, tracing Satan’s attributes—like the pitchfork—from Greek gods to Dante’s chin-winged monstrosity. Abigail critiques how modern religion weaponizes Satan as a scapegoat while elevating him as a rebellious anti-hero. The group wraps up with a wild ride through mythology, literary tropes, and opera, proving that Satan’s PR team has been working overtime for centuries.
The episode wraps up with an empowering reminder: life is for living, not just surviving. The hosts riff on the freedom that comes with letting go of celestial scorekeeping, urging listeners to treasure each moment. With the sincerity of someone handing you tissues during About Time, they leave us laughing, crying, and questioning everything—just how they like it.