Episode 93 - Plubius Dubius Scrubius

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01/26/25 • 101 min

The episode kicks off with Moroni welcoming listeners and the banter immediately takes a left turn, covering everything from bizarre fan interactions to overly ambitious birthday plans involving Vegas and tequila. The hosts dive into an on-air review of a tequila-based concoction, inevitably sparking a drunken math debate about alcohol tolerance versus temple worship.
The chaos reaches a peachy climax with the backstory of their drink of the day, the "Preach Bellini," born from a cruise mishap and a blender full of questionable decisions. Abigail’s self-proclaimed title of "soup slut" derails the discussion into a brainstorm for a soup-and-brothel hybrid business. Naturally, this segues into a hilariously disjointed review of Gladiator 2, leading aaaAAAaaa to share an unsolicited opinion on Daniel Radcliffe's "critically acclaimed chest hair." It’s unhinged, unpredictable, and somehow just the intro.
Scriptures: [00:16:57]
aaaAAAaaa gives the scrippys an irreverent tech-industry twist, hilariously reimagine D&C 70, 71, and 72 as an Apple keynote with Joseph Smith pitching revelations in skinny jeans and a pirate shirt.
D&C 70: Marketed as the first paywall for God’s words, focusing on the "priceless value" of revelations while sneakily introducing a subscription plan for church publications.
D&C 71: The "Clapback Commandment," turning criticism into PR gold by weaponizing truth like a slick marketing strategy.
D&C 72: A divine HR performance review for bishops, complete with micromanagement and eternal probation.
The hosts imagine Joseph Smith as a crypto-bro hustling meme coins and MLM schemes in modern times, leading to tangents about the dubious nature of both crypto and certain church callings. It’s a mix of biting satire and theological hot takes that’s equal parts brainy and blasphemous.
Church Teachings: [00:32:13]
Guest host Claudia dives into Mark E. Peterson’s 1954 talk "Race Problems as They Affect the Church", offering a biting critique of its defense of segregation and opposition to interracial marriage. Claudia dissects the absurdity of Peterson’s arguments, pointing out his moral gymnastics and the church’s awkward attempts to sweep this history under the rug.
The discussion weaves in personal anecdotes and modern perspectives, highlighting how far the church has come—or hasn’t. With a healthy dose of sarcasm, the hosts contrast Peterson’s outdated rhetoric with modern genetics, leaving listeners with equal parts anger and laughter at the sheer absurdity of it all.
History: [0054:53]
Abigail introduces *Stilix*, her snarky new AI research assistant, to help unravel the life of B.H. Roberts, the early LDS historian and church leader with a penchant for polygamy and controversial research. Roberts’ work on the "Views of the Hebrews"—a book with suspicious parallels to the Book of Mormon—is the focus, with Abigail gleefully unpacking the drama.
Key parallels between the two texts include divided civilizations, prophetic themes, and even a "white god" figure that screams plagiarism louder than a college kid copying Wikipedia. The hosts mock the church’s dismissal of Roberts’ findings, imagining him as a frustrated historian throwing papers into the air while the church leadership calmly shelves his research in the "Do Not Open" drawer.
Abigail’s critique

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Episode 92 - Pioneerin’ with the Fishes

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The episode kicks off with a whirlwind of playful banter, as the hosts—aaaAAAaaa, Moroni, Abigail, and Abish—set the tone with self-deprecating humor and spontaneous tangents. The evening starts innocently enough with quips about personal quirks and awkward hygiene preferences before spiraling into a chaotic critique of American Primeval. The gritty portrayal of frontier life inspires a cavalcade of absurd hypothetical scenarios, including how long each host would last in a frontier setting (spoiler: not long) and why 1800s hygiene practices would destroy their modern friendships.
aaaAAAaaa then introduces the cocktail, a drink as chaotic as his creative process. The "We Were Just Sparkling as Men" that is equal parts refreshing and nonsensical. The group recounts the hilariously chaotic naming debate, complete with stories of unexpected kitchen disasters, an impromptu tangent on flies' life purposes, and a hotly contested theory on pairing pizza with Gushers. Equal parts comedy and culinary creativity, this segment fizzes with the essence of the Great and Spacious Podcast.
Scriptures: [00:18:09]
Abish reads sections of Doctrine and Covenants 68-69 in an exaggerated cowboy drawl, inspired by American Primeval. The result? A surreal reinterpretation of gospel teachings, complete with imaginary campfires and a shotgun sermon on missionary work and priesthood duties. The conversation veers off the rails into critiques of phrenology, astrological apps, and bizarre Mormon folklore, including a satirical heist plan to uncover the church's secret archives.
The segment concludes with the group reflecting on the absurdity of 19th-century scriptures, asking the eternal question: “Were the pioneers okay? Or were they just drunk on unfermented wine?”
Church Teachings: [00:37:38]
Moroni leads a biting yet humorous dive into the evolving statements of LDS Church leaders. The discussion skewers prophetic "truths" later downgraded to "opinions," from the priesthood ban to moon-dwelling Quakers. Between sarcastic pop-culture comparisons (Matt Smith and Jeff Goldblum as rival alien prophets) and Abigail’s ongoing feud with fictional AI boyfriends, the hosts dissect the church's selective historical memory.
The segment crescendos with a satirical lawsuit pitch against the church for unfulfilled planetary promises, complete with mock legal arguments about cosmic real estate fraud.
History: [00:57:55]
Abigail brings historical heat, starting with the Mountain Meadows Massacre as portrayed in American Primeval. She spares no detail, juxtaposing sanitized depictions with the brutal truth of Mormon militia-led atrocities. The group reflects on apologist narratives and their uneasy implications, seamlessly segueing into a preview of Wild Bill Hickman—a figure who somehow manages to upstage the massacre in moral ambiguity.
The deep dive into Hickman’s life is a rollercoaster of violence, charisma, and questionable choices. Highlights include:
Polygamy with a Side of Renaming: Hickman married 10 wives, including renaming a Shoshone woman “Margaret” because why not ruin everything?
Horse Obsession: A man who loved horses more consistently than his wives, Hickman’s journals are equal parts gallop and gore.
Massacres and Betrayals: From the Timpanogos to the Aiken Massacre, Hickman’s violent legacy is both shocking and horrifyin

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Episode 94 - Snippedy-Snip, Boys!

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Abish returns from a birthday-induced existential crisis, recounting a wild Vegas weekend that ended in illness and questionable cold-medicine choices. The hosts unveil this week’s cocktail, the *Circum-sip-sion*, a margarita monstrosity featuring penis-shaped novelties and optional Baja Blast.
Shoutouts go to listener Emma, whose fan mail affirms their sacred duty of irreverence. Abish then raves (and cries) about *The Wild Robot*, pondering love, motherhood, and the emotional toll of animated films.
Scriptures: [00:14:14]
Moroni breaks down D&C 73–75 with his usual mix of skepticism and sass:
- D&C 73 – Joseph Smith’s unfinished “director’s cut” of the Bible.
- D&C 74 – Baptism replaces circumcision, sparking deep questions like, “Why was God so obsessed with foreskins?”
- D&C 75 – Missionaries get promised blessings, but modern ones just get Venmo requests.
Bonus: An AI-generated summary in the voice of *Parks and Rec*’s Tynnyfer declares baptism *in*, foreskin *out*, and missionary work *legendary*.
Church Teachings: [00:30:44]
aaaAAAaaa leads an off-the-rails discussion featuring:
- **Infant Baptism** – Conveniently revealed as unnecessary, just like Joseph Smith’s other doctrinal PR moves.
- **Foreskin Fixations** – If God wanted it gone, why put it there? Religious micromanagement gets roasted.
- **Mixed-Faith Guilt Trips** – The Church expects believers to “save” their apostate family members, fueling pressure and guilt.
A surprising dive into grief, loss, and the sometimes frustrating way faith communities process tragedy brings depth (and dark humor).
History: [00:58:44]
Abigail traces circumcision’s history from ancient Egypt to Victorian-era pseudoscience to Utah’s cultural persistence, despite no official LDS mandate.
- Greeks and Romans thought it was weird.
- Paul said, “Yeah, let’s not.”
- 19th-century doctors thought it prevented *self-love*.
- America, for some reason, still won’t let it go.
The hosts question double standards on bodily autonomy, poke fun at medical advancements, and marvel at Mormonism’s selective adherence to Old Testament laws.
The episode wraps up with gratitude, self-deprecation, and a promise of more sacrilegious cocktails next week. Stay hydrated—preferably with something stronger than the *Circum-sip-sion*.