Episode 80 - Spiritual Re-gifts

Explicit content warning

10/20/24 • 85 min

Abigail kicks off the episode with her impromptu role as this week’s bartender, whipping up a glitter-infused cocktail dubbed “Sips of the Spirit”—a questionable mix of coconut rum, passion fruit rum, and Sprite Zero. As Abish, who is out this week, live-tweets her disdain for *Joker 2*, the rest of the crew dives headfirst into brunch leftovers, movie misfires, and Abigail's new part-time gig under the watchful eye of her new boss...Abish. The chaos is set, the cinnamon challenge is mentioned, and brunch is officially a hazardous activity.
Scriptures: [00:16:38]
aaaAAAaaa takes the wheel, guiding us through *Doctrine and Covenants* sections 46 and 47—because who doesn’t want a front-row seat to the early days of spiritual power sorting? As the hosts debate whether Joseph Smith was handing out church superpowers like Oprah, they also caution: don’t try to “eat Jesus” until you’ve squared away your sins. Cue the impromptu musical number—a *Sound of Music* parody celebrating spiritual gifts—because what is sacred scripture without show tunes? Whether spiritual discernment counts as a workout routine is left for you to decide.
Church Teachings: [00:31:36]
Moroni takes center stage, delivering a rundown of the official “Gifts of the Spirit” with a side of sarcasm. Healing? Sure. Discernment? Maybe. Confession under pressure? Absolutely—especially when teenage Moroni was convinced the bishop could read his mind and expose his private moments with, well, himself. The hosts bounce between humor and genuine insight, questioning the practicality of some gifts while reveling in the absurdity of others. It’s a spiritual gift buffet, and everyone’s leaving with a side of skepticism.
History: [00:57:11]
Abigail brings us the weirdest history lesson yet, kicking off with The Book of Pukei—the 1830s satire that beat Mark Twain to the punch, mocking Mormon treasure hunters and magicians. From there, it’s a whirlwind tour through early anti-Mormon silent films, where Mormons wielded villainous mesmeric powers (*Trapped by the Mormons*), collected wives like Pokémon cards (*A Mormon Maid*), and just couldn’t stop dying at the end of every movie (*A Victim of the Mormons*). Abigail’s critique of exaggerated mustache-twirling villains and dramatic death scenes will make you wonder if every Mormon movie villain forgot to read the safety instructions on their own plotline.
As the show winds down, the hosts rally to dedicate this episode to the character “Walter the Magician,” based on an obscure early Mormon figure who, in their words, “took his stuffed toad and bounced.” With heartfelt sarcasm, they toast to Walter and the lost art of magical treasure hunting—because if anyone deserves a spot in podcast heaven, it’s a guy who knew how to pull off a cloak-and-dagger act with a side of polygamy.
In the name of the mystical toad, amen.

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Previous Episode

Episode 79 - Music On Tap

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Join our delightfully unhinged hosts—Abish, Moroni, aaaAAAaaa, and Abigail—as they kick off this episode with the kind of casual banter that could only be inspired by the transitional awkwardness of fall. While the heat lingers like an unwanted guest, they mix up a whimsical Mule-enium cocktail, complete with soul-measuring techniques and inside jokes. Expect plenty of light-hearted storytelling, including an unexpected voice message from missionaries that inspires a raucous debate about high-profile names for missionary work. They cap it off with playful jabs at church innovations and some cheeky pop culture references, proving that when it comes to absurdity, there's no shortage of material.
Scriptures: [00:17:07]
Moroni takes us on a comedic rollercoaster through Doctrine and Covenants Section 45, seamlessly blending irreverence with insight. He shares laugh-out-loud impressions and modern references that make even the Second Coming sound relatable. As the hosts rib Joseph Smith’s revelations—comparing them to your average ChatGPT output—they dive into how Mormon teachings often advocate for vigilance while joy is shushed like a rowdy child in church. Expect plenty of anecdotes, including the bizarre rituals involving Diet Coke and the unrealistic lifestyle expectations that accompany them.
Church Teachings: [00:31:09]
aaaAAAaaa explores the hilarity behind Joseph Smith’s translation of the Bible. Why fix something that's already so far gone? Our hosts dissect the audacity of Smith’s self-appointed role as the divine editor, throwing shade at his creative license with existing texts. It’s fan fiction meets scripture as they riff on his revisions like modern pop culture retellings, exposing the absurdity of how his “divine insights” led to sections of the Doctrine and Covenants. Plus, there’s a cheeky nod to how contemporary prophets have avoided diving into the murky waters of biblical translation.
History: [00:57:39]
Abigail lightens the mood by humorously navigating through the history of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, affectionately known as "Motab." From its humble beginnings post-pioneer exodus to the dazzling developments under George Careless (who, yes, cared hard), the hosts hilariously dissect how the choir became a musical powerhouse. Sprinkled with tidbits about early organs and their royal debauchery, this segment features a whirlwind of organ trivia that’ll have you in stitches. From labor-intensive bellows to the age of pneumatic power, the hosts celebrate the majestic—and often absurd—history of the organ. And just wait until you hear about the choir’s rigorous audition process and their unpaid status; it’s a comedy goldmine!
In the grand finale, Abigail dives into a whimsical world of AI-generated fake trivia about the Mormon Tabernacle Choir that would make even the most skeptical giggle. From claims that half of the choir members are advanced singing robots to underwater rehearsals in the Great Salt Lake, nothing is off the table. The hosts share a variety of outlandish “facts,” poking fun at the choir's revenue streams while members remain unpaid. As they dream of a future where water-powered musical fountains featuring automata take center stage, they wrap things up with a playful nod to “Careless Whisper Man,” leaving listeners chuckling and craving more.
Tune in for a ride that’s as educational as it is

Next Episode

Episode 81 - Go To Your Happy Gethsemane

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The episode kicks off with the hosts reintroducing themselves, bringing their signature chaotic energy and banter that feels like a conversation you'd eavesdrop on at a dive bar. After some jabs at the podcast's disorganized structure, they introduce the drink of the day—"The Unholy Trinity." A cocktail concocted from "Dragon Piss" (a spirit so absurd it sounds like a dare) and flavored with garlic, jalapeno, mezcal, and grapefruit. The hosts break down the experience of sipping it, comparing its flavor profile to the stages of grief, before inevitably spiraling into a tirade about their mutual dislike for the latest Joker movie. The randomness sets the tone for the rest of the episode: expect the unexpected, or don’t—honestly, who cares?

Scriptures: [00:17:57]
aaaAAAaaa leads the charge in this scripture deep dive, skewering D&C 48-49. Section 48? Joseph Smith's impromptu land-sharing plan in Ohio. The hosts paint it as the divine equivalent of showing up to your friend's house without warning, expecting to crash on their couch... forever. As the discussion transitions to Section 49, which calls out the Shakers for their belief that Christ returned as a woman named Ann Lee, the hosts are all-in on roasting Joseph Smith’s arrogance for thinking he could "correct" the celibate, vegetarian Shakers. Between the snark, they reflect on Mormonism’s own quirks—like polygamy—while offering a mix of irreverent humor and historical insights.

Church Teachings: [00:39:23]
Abish leads the group through the latest General Conference with the kind of mock enthusiasm you’d expect from someone forced to sit through 8 hours of solemn sermons. The segment kicks off with a trivia drinking game based on fun facts about General Authorities. Ever wonder which apostle used to be a high school quarterback or ran BYU-Idaho? The game rewards each correct answer with a shot. From there, they pick apart some key talks, laughing at Oaks’ “permanent commandments” vs. “temporary ones” and finding joy in critiquing the relentless pursuit of joy the church insists upon. The playful dissection of expectations, like singing hymns with fervor and sporting constant smiles, highlights the sometimes hilarious disconnect between doctrine and reality.

History: [01:14:54]
Abigail takes the wheel, offering a snarky, zig-zagging history lesson on the Quakers and their offshoot, the Shakers. Starting with George Fox, the Quakers’ founder, she jokes about his intense seriousness, likening his direct hotline to God to that one guy in the comments section who’s always right. From there, the hosts detour into modern comparisons, throwing in random references to Quaker Oats and Harry Potter. The conversation pivots to the Shakers, a group known for their ecstatic worship, stellar craftsmanship, and extreme celibacy. Abigail doesn’t miss a beat in roasting their contradictions—like advocating for gender equality while ensuring their own population dies out due to a refusal to procreate.

As the episode wraps, the gang reflects on the dwindling numbers of Shakers, leaving only two remaining members. Abigail half-jokingly encourages listeners to join the Shakers if a life of celibacy and handmade furniture appeals to them, signing off with, “In the name of Brother Arnold and Sister June,” the remaining torchbearers of this once vibrant, now practically extinct sect. If anything, this e