Episode 76 - Ye Olde Version of a Diss Track

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09/22/24 • 134 min

Strap in for a rollercoaster of randomness as hosts Abish, Moroni, Abigail, and aaaAAAaaa throw family dynamics into a blender and hit ‘chaos’ mode. You’ll meet a "gay uncle" and a "grandpa," all within the first two minutes—because, let’s face it, titles are just words when your cocktail is named "God's Callin’s." Abish's mixology attempt turns into a Reddit-fueled quest involving Goldschläger, and the results are, well, intoxicating. Throw in some drugged-up painting failures, a baby eating a snail, and existential laughter—just another Tuesday in podcast land. Grab your blurry brushes, we’re painting a surrealist nightmare of life, and it’s hilarious.
Scriptures: [00:17:18]
Moroni breaks down the 39th and 40th sections of the Doctrine and Covenants with the same level of reverence one might reserve for IKEA instructions: convoluted, redundant, and somehow deeply entertaining. James Covel, a Methodist minister-turned-Mormon-rejecter, plays the part of the guy who ghosted God after receiving an existential text. The hosts marvel at the tragic brevity of Covel’s faith journey, with God basically sending a follow-up email: “I thought we had something?” Spoiler: they didn’t. Cue tangents about dogs, trivia, and a lot of side-eye toward celestial micromanagement.
Church Teachings: [00:39:50]
In this episode’s deep dive, aaaAAAaaa compares James Covel’s encounter with Joseph Smith to a painfully relatable high school rejection. Think of Joseph as the "nerdy girl" who asked out the "cool guy" Covel, and surprise—Covel opts out. He’d rather stay with his comfortable life and Methodist clique. The hosts explore God’s so-called “agency” plan, which seems like an unnecessarily convoluted way to say, “Do what I say, James.” Toss in some humorous theology, a bit of skepticism, and the idea that maybe the real win is keeping your Methodist paycheck.
History: [01:03:37]
What better way to start a history lesson than with Mountain Dew Baja Blast-flavored gelato? Abigail serves up this millennial delight before plunging into the weirdness that was Jedediah M. Grant’s life. As a 19th-century Mormon leader with a teenage wife collection, Jedediah’s story is ripe for the sarcastic plucking. The hosts riff on age gaps and the bizarre Mormon tradition of passing wives to a brother post-mortem, with just the right amount of cringe.
Heber J. Grant gets the spotlight, but not without some jabs at his polygamist romantic ventures. His initial proposal to childhood sweetheart Emily Wells fell flat—apparently, polygamy isn’t everyone’s jam. Undeterred, Heber married Lucy Stringham, who must’ve felt like the ultimate "runner-up." But don’t worry, Emily comes back around for another awkward proposal, alongside a third wife, because hey, why not? With biting humor, the hosts poke at the bizarre logistics of polygamy and Heber’s relentless pursuit of wife-acquisition, all while managing a vinegar empire. Now that’s multi-tasking.
Heber J. Grant, the last LDS Church president to practice polygamy, also managed to pull off something weirder—balancing a sprawling family with financial management during a church crisis. The hosts note how his leadership smoothed the financial chaos, but also muse on whether the emotional strain of multiple wives shaped his eventual enforcement of monogamy. Heber’s life was a saga of persistence—whether courting wives or saving t

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Episode 74 - Pörn

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Join aaaAAAaaa, Abish, Abigail, and our delightfully tipsy guest Claudia as they kick off this episode with a laugh-filled discussion about burping mishaps and self-deprecating humor. They dive into their drink of the day, "The Ohio (temple name: Bloody Moroni)," a bizarre Bloody Mary twist featuring Clamato and watermelon. Amidst reminiscing about Utah-style names and TV nostalgia, they indulge in random tangents about kids' shows like *Pickle and Peanut* before barely managing to steer the episode back on course.
Scriptures: [00:16:41]
Abish takes the stage to mock the absurdities found in sections 35, 36, and 37 of the Doctrine and Covenants. Through hilarious anecdotes about their dad and cheeky commentary on early church figures like Sidney Rigdon, the segment critiques the divine revelations with a healthy dose of sarcasm. Abish’s take on "Joseph Smith English" and the convoluted scriptural language adds a light-hearted critique to the serious business of theological concepts, culminating in a laugh-worthy mix-up in the reading order.
Church Teachings: [00:40:49]
Claudia delves into the heartfelt and humorous side of religion by discussing David Archuleta’s mother’s brave decision to leave the LDS Church in solidarity with her son. The conversation critiques the church’s historical treatment of LGBTQ+ members with a mix of reflection and humor. Claudia’s casual quiz on church history, coupled with jokes about vodka shots and sacraments, balances serious discussions about faith and identity with lighter moments.
History: [01:06:55]
Abigail navigates through Ohio’s history with a mix of irreverent humor and surprising facts. She pokes fun at Kirtland’s early days, from its glacier-covered origins to its eventual role in Mormon history. Jokes about the complexities of Ohio’s state flag and the oddities of its splinter religious groups lead to a morbid yet intriguing dive into Jeffrey Lundgren’s cult. Abigail narrates the grim events surrounding Lundgren’s violent plans and subsequent arrest with dark humor. The episode concludes with amusing trivia about Ohio, including its unique flag, duct tape dominance, and Cedar Point amusement park, capped off by a comical take on ostriches and personal anecdotes about a disappointing Utah theme park visit.
Tune in for a rollercoaster of dark comedy, historical quirks, and offbeat trivia as the hosts tackle everything from Ohio’s cult history to its love affair with duct tape.

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Episode 77 - Et Tu, Goosicus?

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Join Moroni, Abigail, aaaAAAaaa, and special guest Claudia in a delightful whirlwind of laughter and cocktails as they mix up “God’s Law, Blah, Blah”—a heavenly concoction of vanilla vodka, Baileys, Kahlua, and milk, with a splash of pop culture referencing *Arrested Development*. From musings on geese to a presidential debate that definitely didn’t involve a tuxedo-wearing goose, this intro sets the stage for a chaotic yet entertaining discussion. Strap in for a rollercoaster of absurdity that has little to do with the topic at hand, but plenty to do with making you chuckle.
Scriptures: [00:19:45]
The hosts dive into a delightful mess of random thoughts, questioning the mechanics of turning on lamps before spiraling into an offbeat dialogue about sneezing, orgasms, and the social ramifications of being a loud sneezer. Claudia's valiant attempts to steer the conversation toward D&C Section 42 are hilariously thwarted by digressions into feminism and smoke alarms. With an air of camaraderie, the banter reveals the relatable frustrations of daily life, leading to a playful critique of the scripture’s repetitive nature. This segment is a chaotic fusion of humor, relatable anecdotes, and a reminder that sometimes, life is just one long string of distractions.
Church Teachings: [00:56:23]
Moroni kicks off this segment with a rant about the “goofy” nature of temple covenants, recounting his workday woes before launching into the bizarre world of temple rituals. The hosts reflect on the mixed messages around gender roles within these covenants and how awkward temple visits were often the backdrop for existential crises. With sharp wit, they poke fun at the absurdity of church rules—like the ban on "light-mindedness"—and share their personal stories of uncomfortable bishop interviews that would make any therapist cringe. The absurdities of sexual teachings lead to laughter, discomfort, and a broader critique of the inconsistency in how doctrines are enforced, particularly regarding LGBTQ+ issues.
History: [01:40:28]
The conversation takes a playful turn as the group starts reminiscing about food mishaps, particularly a burrito incident that got way too hot. This humorous detour leads to a discussion about Heber J. Grant, the seventh president of the LDS Church, and his intense crusade against alcohol. Amidst chuckles, they explore Grant’s role in the temperance movement and how the U.S. eventually embraced Prohibition—ironically right after World War I. Abigail humorously critiques Grant’s staunch opposition to FDR and the 21st Amendment, leading to an amusing revelation about Utah becoming the 36th state to ratify the repeal of Prohibition, much to Grant’s chagrin. The hosts conclude by reflecting on the legacy of Grant, revealing that while he might have been a decent guy, his policies were a mixed drink of confusion and irony. They toast to the women’s temperance movement, celebrating both its contributions and its absurdities in the context of a cocktail-fueled discussion.
Tune in for a rollicking episode filled with sarcasm, historical insights, and a good dose of irreverent humor as they navigate the quirks of faith, history, and, of course, the occasional cocktail!