S1, Ep 3 Best Friend Therapy: Shoulds & Oughts - Why are we so tough on ourselves? Are we addicted to control? What if we let go?

Explicit content warning

04/10/22 • 37 min

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Welcome to this episode of Best Friend Therapy, where we chat about what's on our minds, to get deeper in our minds.
TW: miscarriage
This week we're talking about shoulds and oughts and why we feel compelled to live our lives by some pretty tough rules at times. Elizabeth shares times in her life when structure has helped her to feel in control and Emma explains why criticism can sometimes be tough to take.
Correction: Emma did not know that Tetrapak cartons were now widely recyclable. She *should* know better.
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Emma refers to personality adaptations in this episode (as distinct from disorders) and you can read more about obsessive-compulsive and passive-aggressive processes in the book 'Personality Adaptations', by Vann Joines and Iain Stewart, available from all good booksellers or at https://www.amazon.co.uk/Personality-Adaptations-Understanding-Psychotherapy-Counselling/dp/187024401X
Claude Steiner's book, 'Scripts People Live', offers great insights into the behavioural templates we lay down in early life. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Scripts-People-Live-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0802132103/ref=sr_1_1?adgrpid=51732384845&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIlZWvoZXz9gIVycLtCh08vgU7EAAYAiAAEgKtePD_BwE&hvadid=259059343144&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9045896&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=17815643095787796303&hvtargid=kwd-299710077529&hydadcr=24405_1748889&keywords=scripts+people+live&qid=1648826478&sr=8-1
Emma quotes Eric Berne's work on ego states and the Parent-Adult-Child model. You can find out more at https://ericberne.com.
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Best Friend Therapy is hosted by Elizabeth Day and Emma Reed Turrell, produced by Chris Sharp. To contact us, email [email protected]
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Social Media:
Elizabeth Day @elizabday
Emma Reed Turrell @emmareedturrell
Best Friend Therapy @best.friend.therapy

Previous Episode

S1, Ep 2 Best Friend Therapy: Relationship Games - What games do we play at work, in friendships and with partners? And why do we do it?

Welcome to this episode of Best Friend Therapy, where we chat about what's on our minds, to get deeper in our minds.
This week we're talking about games. Not Monopoly, as Elizabeth discovered, but the shortcuts we take in relationships to try and get our needs met, without even realising.
Relationship games are the emotional sleight of hand we use to defend our vulnerability but they rarely get us what we want. Emma explains where games stem from and why they get in our way at work and with friends, and Elizabeth looks back on her dating past to understand that what she'd needed was clear communication, not a soulmate who could mind-read. We also discuss the likeability of cheese.
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Emma quotes the work of Eric Berne in this episode. You can find out more at https://ericberne.com/games-people-play/
The Drama Triangle, is a model developed by Stephen Karpman and originally featured in his article: Karpman MD, Stephen (1968). "Fairy tales and script drama analysis". Transactional Analysis Bulletin. 26 (7): 39–43. You can read more about his work at https://karpmandramatriangle.com
If you're interested in the therapeutic approach of Transactional Analysis, which Emma practices, a great entry point is a book by Iain Stewart and Vann Joines called TA Today, available at all good booksellers or at https://www.amazon.co.uk/Today-New-Introduction-Transactional-Analysis/dp/1870244028
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Best Friend Therapy is hosted by Elizabeth Day and Emma Reed Turrell, produced by Chris Sharp. To contact us, email [email protected]
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Social Media:
Elizabeth Day @elizabday
Emma Reed Turrell @emmareedturrell
Best Friend Therapy @best.friend.therapy

Next Episode

S1, Ep 4 Best Friend Therapy: Imposter Syndrome - What is it? How does it show up? Are we the only ones who feel it?

Welcome to this episode of Best Friend Therapy, where we chat about what's on our minds, to get deeper in our minds.
This week we're talking about Imposter Syndrome and why, if you've ever felt like the odd one out, you're in good company.
Join us on an Inception-like head-scratcher as we experience Imposter Syndrome whilst talking about Imposter Syndrome in an attempt to make the episode "good enough", learn why tennis remains Elizabeth's Achilles heel and why Emma will never have a job as a pizza chef.
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Malcolm Gladwell talks about 10,000 hours of practice is his fantastic book, 'Outliers'.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0141036257
Emma and Elizabeth talk about the original study into Imposter Phenomenon, for which the reference is: Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A. (1978). The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 15(3), 241–247.
Brene Brown speaks about belonging versus fitting in within her book 'The Gifts of Imperfection'.
shorturl.at/bmxIX
The School of Life has produced a great video on Imposter Syndrome: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqhUHyVpAwE
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Best Friend Therapy is hosted by Elizabeth Day and Emma Reed Turrell, produced by Chris Sharp. To contact us, email [email protected]
---
Social Media:
Elizabeth Day @elizabday
Emma Reed Turrell @emmareedturrell
Best Friend Therapy @best.friend.therapy