Beyond Behavior Management: The Parent's Journey to Felt Safety
03/19/25 • 35 min
The tension between fostering deep relationships and managing difficult behaviors sits at the heart of every foster and adoptive parent's journey. In this deeply personal exploration, we uncover why our focus often shifts from connection to control—and the surprising neurological reasons behind it.
When behaviors are under control and there's order in our homes, we feel safe. But what happens when our peace becomes dependent on our children's compliance? We end up parenting from exhaustion rather than connection, creating a cycle that works against the very healing we're trying to facilitate.
Your nervous system responds to stress just like your child's does. When you don't feel safe, you move into fight-flight-freeze-fawn mode, making it neurologically impossible to parent with patience and wisdom. Even when you know better, your survival brain takes over—leading to burnout, anxiety, and disconnection.
Building felt safety from within changes everything. Through spiritual practices, predictable routines, environmental comfort, supportive relationships, appropriate boundaries, and essential wellness habits, you can create internal regulation that doesn't depend on external circumstances. Each practice—from morning prayer to consistent hydration, from soft lighting to meaningful conversations with understanding friends—sends powerful signals to your brain that you are safe.
This isn't about luxury or self-indulgence. It's about creating the neurological foundation you need to show up as the regulated, connected parent your children need. When you build felt safety from the inside out, you can finally address behavior while strengthening connection rather than damaging it.
If you're ready to break free from survival mode parenting, join our six-week wellness challenge starting March 24th, where we'll take small, doable steps toward creating lasting felt safety—for you and your whole family.
Join my 6 Week Wellness Challenge: https://www.fasterwaycoach.com/?aid=nicolebarlow
Subscribe to my newsletter! https://nicoletbarlow.myflodesk.com/fosterparentwellnewsletter
I'd love to hear from you! Send me a text!
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
The tension between fostering deep relationships and managing difficult behaviors sits at the heart of every foster and adoptive parent's journey. In this deeply personal exploration, we uncover why our focus often shifts from connection to control—and the surprising neurological reasons behind it.
When behaviors are under control and there's order in our homes, we feel safe. But what happens when our peace becomes dependent on our children's compliance? We end up parenting from exhaustion rather than connection, creating a cycle that works against the very healing we're trying to facilitate.
Your nervous system responds to stress just like your child's does. When you don't feel safe, you move into fight-flight-freeze-fawn mode, making it neurologically impossible to parent with patience and wisdom. Even when you know better, your survival brain takes over—leading to burnout, anxiety, and disconnection.
Building felt safety from within changes everything. Through spiritual practices, predictable routines, environmental comfort, supportive relationships, appropriate boundaries, and essential wellness habits, you can create internal regulation that doesn't depend on external circumstances. Each practice—from morning prayer to consistent hydration, from soft lighting to meaningful conversations with understanding friends—sends powerful signals to your brain that you are safe.
This isn't about luxury or self-indulgence. It's about creating the neurological foundation you need to show up as the regulated, connected parent your children need. When you build felt safety from the inside out, you can finally address behavior while strengthening connection rather than damaging it.
If you're ready to break free from survival mode parenting, join our six-week wellness challenge starting March 24th, where we'll take small, doable steps toward creating lasting felt safety—for you and your whole family.
Join my 6 Week Wellness Challenge: https://www.fasterwaycoach.com/?aid=nicolebarlow
Subscribe to my newsletter! https://nicoletbarlow.myflodesk.com/fosterparentwellnewsletter
I'd love to hear from you! Send me a text!
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
Previous Episode
Before You Correct in Trauma Parenting
What happens in that critical moment when your child's behavior pushes your buttons? That split second before you respond determines whether your correction will actually work or simply bounce off ineffectively.
Foster and adoptive parents know the struggle all too well—the same behaviors repeating despite countless corrections. But what if the key isn't what you say during correction, but what you've established beforehand?
Drawing from neuroscience and trauma-informed approaches, this episode reveals the four non-negotiable steps required before any effective correction: regulation, trust, connection, and instruction. I break down why your nervous system must calm before you can help regulate your child's, and how co-regulation creates the biological foundation for receptive listening.
You'll discover practical techniques like "Yes Jars" that build attachment cycles with resistant children, and understand why connection feels so difficult when a child pushes away (hint: it's your brain's reciprocity response protecting you from rejection). Most importantly, you'll learn why teaching expected behaviors during calm moments is essential—because correction without instruction is just punishment.
Whether you're struggling with a child who seems to resist every boundary or simply want to make your guidance more effective, these foundational principles will transform your approach to discipline. Your patience and consistency in these four areas creates the safety necessary for lasting behavioral change.
Ready to see correction that actually sticks? Start with just one of these principles this week and watch what happens. Share this episode with another foster or adoptive parent who needs this encouragement—because even when change isn't visible yet, your impact is real.
6 Week Challenge: https://stan.store/nicoletbarlow/p/6-week-coaching-group
Get my newsletter! https://nicoletbarlow.myflodesk.com/fosterparentwellnewsletter
I'd love to hear from you! Send me a text!
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
Next Episode
Faith in the Trenches
God shows up in extraordinary ways for foster parents when we embrace the truth that we're participating in His holy work of restoration and redemption.
• His grace is sufficient for our weakness, covering our doubts, fears, and mistakes
• New mercies arrive each morning—only when we need them, not a moment sooner
• Hard things are exactly what Jesus calls us to, equipped with His strength and comfort
• We are not invisible—God sees every midnight cry, pantry prayer, and moment of faithfulness
• Our service is bigger than we realize—we're friends of God helping bring His plans to life
Keep saying yes, keep pressing into Him, even when your voice is shaking. This is holy ground you're walking on, and God is not finished with your story.
I'd love to hear from you! Send me a text!
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
Foster Parent Well - Beyond Behavior Management: The Parent's Journey to Felt Safety
Transcript
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast , where we have real candid , faith-filled conversations about all things foster care , adoption and trauma . I'm your host , nicole T Barlow . I'm a certified parent trainer , a certified health coach and an adoptive parent myself . This is a space where you can find support so that you can care for your kids with a steadfast faith , enduranc
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