Fat and Fucked, Ep. 7 - Body Image, Desire, and Sexuality: Unraveling Society’s Sexy Script with Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy

Explicit content warning

09/27/23 • 70 min

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Episode 7 is a must-listen for anyone who has struggled with sexual desire and libido, either their own or their partner’s. Hosts Suzy and Krista are joined by Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy (she/her), a licensed psychologist and an AASECT certified sex therapist. She owns her own private practice in Minnesota, and is the co-author of the book Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships. Dr. Fogel Mersy brings both her expertise as a leading voice on the complexity of desire as well lived experience as a person on the fat spectrum much of her life. She brings it all together in this episode with practical applications that can help lay the foundation for change now. If you aren’t already following Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy, now is a great time!

Instagram: @drlaurenfogelmersy

TikTok: @drlaurenfogelmersy

Facebook: www.facebook.com/drlaurenfogelmersy

Other resources:

Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships by Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy and Dr. Jennifer Vencill - https://drlaurenfogel.com/book/

The Origins of Attachment Theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth - https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1993-01038-001

Eli Coleman Institute for Sexual and Gender Health - https://med.umn.edu/sexualhealth

Zumanity by Cirque du Soleil - https://www.lasvegasdirect.com/zumanity-cirque-du-soleil/

Maintenance Phase podcast with Aubrey Gordon and Michael Hobbes

Sexual Desire Discrepancy as a Feature, not a Bug, of Long Term Relationships: Women’s Self-Reported Strategies for Modulating Sexual Desire - https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jsm.12625

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski - https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314

Dual Control Model of Sexual Response by Janssen and Bancroft - https://kinseyinstitute.org/research/dual-control-model.php

Ironic Process Theory, Daniel Wegner - https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/10/unwanted-thoughts

The Body is Not An Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor - https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/

Curvy Girl Sex: 101 Body Positive Positions to Empower Your Sex Life by Elle Chase - https://www.ellechase.com/curvy-girl-sex

Time Stamps

[00:11:00] Desire differences cause relationship and individual distress.

[00:14:05] Body change in relationships impacts sexual desire.

[00:22:48] Expect and embrace differences in relationships. Avoid blaming lower libido partner. Challenges of adhering to sexual scripts.

[00:31:11] Heteronormative bias: Shared load improves desire, connection.

[00:36:50] Trial and error in quieting thoughts, acceptance.

[00:42:20] Importance of intersectionality in understanding libido.

[00:45:15] Different desires, validating lower libido, finding pleasure.

[00:54:19] Love yourself, but also connect with others.

[00:59:26] Attachment therapy trendy, not binary, nuanced.

[01:04:57] Finding pleasure in small, present moments daily.

Instagram: @drlaurenfogelmersy

TikTok: @drlaurenfogelmersy

Facebook: www.facebook.com/drlaurenfogelmersy

Other resources:

Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships by Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy and Dr. Jennifer Vencill - https://drlaurenfogel.com/book/

The Origins of Attachment Theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth - https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1993-01038-001

Eli Coleman Institute for Sexual and Gender Health - https://med.umn.edu/sexualhealth

Zumanity by Cirque du Soleil - https://www.lasvegasdirect.com/zumanity-cirque-du-soleil/

Maintenance Phase podcast with Aubrey Gordon and Michael Hobbes

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski - https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314

Dual Control Model of Sexual Response by Janssen and Bancroft - https://kinseyinstitute.org/research/dual-control-model.php

Ironic Process Theory, Daniel Wegner - https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/10/unwanted-thoughts

The Body is Not An Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor - https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/

Curvy Girl Sex: 101 Body Positive Positions to Empower Your Sex Life by Elle Chase - https://www.ellechase.com/curvy-girl-sex

Time Stamps

[00:11:00] Desire differences cause relationship and individual distress.

[00:14:05] Body change in relationships impacts sexual desire.

[00:22:48] Expect and embrace differences in relationships. Avoid blaming lower libido partner. Challenges of adhering to sexual scripts.

[00:31:11] Heteronormative bias: Shared load improves desire, connection.

[00:36:50] Trial and error in quieting thoughts, acceptance.

[00:42:20] Importance of intersectionality in understanding libido.

[00:45:15] Different desires, validating lower libido, finding pleasure.

[00:54:19] Love yourself, but also connect with others.

[00:59:26] Attachment therapy trendy, not binary, nuanced.

[01:04:57] Finding pleasure in small, present moments daily.

Previous Episode

Fat and Fucked, Ep. 6 - The Intersection of Blackness, Fatness, and Sex: A Conversation with Sex Therapist and Educator Ceara Corry

“I don’t see color. I see everyone as part of the HUMAN race. I treat everyone equally.” This is how many white folx were taught to think about race specifically and individual differences more broadly. This perspective, however, does not account for our own unconscious bias, which we all have, nor does it allow us to acknowledge the tangible differences in the lived experiences of Black folx, especially those who are fat. Hosts Suzy and Krista are joined by their first ever podcast guest, Ceara Corry, a sex therapist and educator, for a complex discussion on bodies and sex in the Black community.

Have a listen, write a review wherever you get your podcasts, and give Ceara a follow on Instagram @ceethesexlady. You can support the show at Patreon.com/FatandFuckedPodcast.

Resources and references:

Ceara Corry - www.Ceethesexlady.com, Instagram @ceethesexlady
Carolina Sexual Wellness Center (CSWC) - www.carolinaswc.org
Fearing the Black Body: The Racial Origins of Fatphobia by Sabrina Strings - https://nyupress.org/9781479886753/fearing-the-black-body/
Survival of the Thickest starring Michelle Buteau on Netflix (Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOKrWpaG5kk
Danielle Brooks - @daniebb3 on Instagram
Lizzo - @lizzobeeating on Instagram (This episode was recorded prior to the allegations surfacing regarding Lizzo’s treatment of her dancers.)
Amber Riley - @msamberpriley on Instagram
Roxane Gay - https://roxanegay.com/
Dr. Tressie McMillan Cottom - https://tressiemc.com/
The Liberator - https://www.liberator.com/
Jessamyn Stanley - https://jessamynstanley.com/, Instagram @mynameisjessamyn

Next Episode

Fat and Fucked, Ep. 8 - Lovin’ and Ignorin’: Why Our Faves Won’t Hear What We’re Saying

Fat and Fucked made it to episode 8, where most podcasts go to die. And what a journey it has been! This episode offers a vulnerable discussion of the challenges and successes that Suzy and Krista have had building Fat and Fucked from the ground up. Shocker, it’s been a lot of work, but also a highly rewarding experience! The hosts then share some of the feedback they have gotten from loved ones who struggle with aspects of fat liberation to the degree that they won’t listen to the F&F. They take the opportunity to address some of the objections and impediments and offer strategies for listeners to reflect on their own experience of the podcast and integrate anything they have learned into their lives.

Fat and Fucked could really use your help in two ways to continue creating great content and growing the podcast:

Send us your recommendations for fat folks with important things to say who you want to hear on the podcast. We are especially looking for guests who have marginalized identities in addition to fatness.
Positive reviews are really important for the success of podcasts! Please take some time and write us a good review on the platform you get your podcasts from.

Resources:

Fat and Fucked on Listen Notes: https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/fat-and-fucked-where-fat-sex-and-fat-nsBev0ykWYf/

Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy: https://drlaurenfogel.com/; Instagram: @drlaurenfogelmersy

Weight bias in the workplace: https://sloanreview.mit.edu/article/the-opportunity-costs-of-weight-bias-at-work/

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220411-the-unspoken-weight-discrimination-problem-at-work

Research on weight stigma having a negative impact on health

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34749889/

https://www.thelancet.com/journals/eclinm/article/PIIS2589-5370(22)00138-9/fulltext

Lady Gaga’s meat dress: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meat_dress_of_Lady_Gaga

Time Stamps:

00:04:34 Learning curve in technical production; transition to home studios and distribution channels was intense.

00:12:18 Busy, overwhelmed, struggling to find balance.