225: We're talkin' tussling! How positive emotional tension can enhance your relationship (ft. Dr. Robert Glover)
10/07/22 • 74 min
Ever felt like a woman was testing you, pushing your boundaries in annoying ways, or giving you a "shit test" (not a great term, but one you may be familiar with)? Here's a hint: if you don't want negative emotional tension, you may need to become skilled at positive emotional tension.
Whether you're in a dating relationship, long-term marriage, or somewhere in between, the feminine is mysterious. Many men are baffled by how to relate when it seems like what he's doing is never enough. Why can't she just be satisfied? Why does it feel like she's always poking at you, overreacting to something small, or picking a fight? Why isn't sex easier?
Here, we go into what women are often thinking or wanting in those moments. We outline positive emotional tension (aka conscious tension), and how it can actually strengthen your relationship. And we cover the difference between tussling — healthy, positive emotional tension, which can actually be fun — and unhealthy abuse. This includes knowing the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder and how to avoid partners with BPD. We also go into how loving, conscious dominance can lead to hot sex. ;)
A few memorable quotes from this episode:
- "Having a PhD really didn’t help much when it came to my relationships!"
- “If I've got you arguing with me, at least I’ve got your attention.”
- “We all get needy.”
- "How can a man tell, 'Is it ever going to be enough for her?'"
Resources mentioned on this episode:
- Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) - an evidence-based treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
- The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron
Ever felt like a woman was testing you, pushing your boundaries in annoying ways, or giving you a "shit test" (not a great term, but one you may be familiar with)? Here's a hint: if you don't want negative emotional tension, you may need to become skilled at positive emotional tension.
Whether you're in a dating relationship, long-term marriage, or somewhere in between, the feminine is mysterious. Many men are baffled by how to relate when it seems like what he's doing is never enough. Why can't she just be satisfied? Why does it feel like she's always poking at you, overreacting to something small, or picking a fight? Why isn't sex easier?
Here, we go into what women are often thinking or wanting in those moments. We outline positive emotional tension (aka conscious tension), and how it can actually strengthen your relationship. And we cover the difference between tussling — healthy, positive emotional tension, which can actually be fun — and unhealthy abuse. This includes knowing the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder and how to avoid partners with BPD. We also go into how loving, conscious dominance can lead to hot sex. ;)
A few memorable quotes from this episode:
- "Having a PhD really didn’t help much when it came to my relationships!"
- “If I've got you arguing with me, at least I’ve got your attention.”
- “We all get needy.”
- "How can a man tell, 'Is it ever going to be enough for her?'"
Resources mentioned on this episode:
- Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) - an evidence-based treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
- The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron
Previous Episode
224: What does it mean to have honest sex? (ft. Shana James)
What does it mean to actually be honest when it comes to sex?
A lot of couples never really talk about their sex life in depth. Sure, maybe one person in the relationship says they'd like to be having more sex. But that's different from having real, raw conversations about what's working, what each person wants more or less of, and what their deep-down turn-ons actually are.
Why? Because it's scary to have these kinds of talks! Whether you're new to dating or you're in a long-term, committed relationship (or even married), it's hard to be open about sexual intimacy. And at the same time, not having honest sex comes at a cost. When you're not real with your partner about sex, you're cutting off a part of yourself. Then you tend to feel more distant. More separate.
So how do you overcome this? How do you talk about sex with your partner in a way that's inviting instead of intimidating? Who brings it up and how? What if you wanna explore BDSM? Here we talk about all that — what it means to be truly honest, and how to elicit your partner’s truth and desires and share your own.
Mentioned on this episode:
Shana's site: https://shanajamescoaching.com/
Next Episode
226: GirlTalk: When men do this, we melt. (Yes, really!) [replay]
Want hot sexy polarity in your relationship or dating life? You're gonna want to master this. It's the one relationship skill to rule them all. Here, we get personal and real about the men we've been with who've done this skillfully (and made us want to drop our panties), as well as those who've missed the mark. You can learn from both.
Where many men are taught to be either passive or aggressive, there is a middle way. And it's hot when men do it. What is it? Leading. Leading isn't being a dominant, aggressive asshole and it's not being a pushover or a doormat. It's being assertive in a healthy way. It's having a basic plan for a date and then being willing to adjust if things come up. It's being willing to lead with vulnerability when it comes to attraction. Here, we go into detail about what our experience has been around sex, dating, relationships, and why we've found it so damn sexy when a man can lead.
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