I am not your 'safe' friend.

05/13/22 • 7 min

What makes for a 'safe' friend to talk to?
I feel like the answer varies with people.
For example, I know most of my friends would be devastated if I lied to them, but when I post online about lies, there are always some people who claim that they preferred to be lied to, to save their feelings.
I would not be a 'safe' friend for those people, ever.
Especially in a highly emotional or trauma-based situation.
And that's OK. I don't want to be everyone's safe space. I can't. I don't have the energy, and frankly, that's not my priority.
But let's talk about why I'm not your 'safe' friend.
Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/personal/i-am-not-your-safe-friend/

Previous Episode

Throwback: Unconditional Relationships? cough cough BULLSHIT!

Over the years, I've had a lot of feels about the idea of "unconditional."
Back in 2015, I wrote:
Unconditional Love?
So in a comment on yesterday's post, a friend mentioned unconditional love. It caught my attention, and I thought I'd discuss this a bit.
Drawing on the post I made a few days back, the definition of love is:
love
ləv/
noun
an intense feeling of deep affection.
When I think of this, I think of the feelings of wanting what's best for someone, feeling a depth of care, and acceptance of them as a whole person.
That kind of love, I believe can be unconditional.
The kind of love where you HAVE to be with them, hold their hand, have sex, marry, live together, laugh, play and travel together...
That kind of love is not and, dare I say it, SHOULD NOT be unconditional.
Now, if you read what I have to say very regularly, you will know I'm not one to tell people how to live their lives, but I'm kinda gonna here.
Here's why I think THAT kind of love should NOT be unconditional.
For the giver:
You deserve to have conditions on who you choose to allow in your life. You deserve to get back the good stuff from your lover.
- You deserve to have poly if you need it or monogamy.
- You deserve someone sexually compatible with you.
- You deserve a partner who communicates with you.
- You deserve someone who respects your limits.
- You deserve someone you enjoy spending time with.
- You deserve someone who tells you that you are beautiful or smart, or whatever you need to hear.
And if you do not have these things, no matter how much you love someone, you deserve to go find them elsewhere, and still love them and wish them all the best in finding a better match.
Find the transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/rants/unconditional-relationships-cough-cough-bullshit/

Next Episode

Foreplay and aftercare are far more than they seem (to me).

I recently saw a post on Facebook with a screen capture of the following by variantworks:
> "I've seen people argue that BDSM & kink is bad because of aftercare. "You don't NEED aftercare and safe words for vanilla sex because it's not harmful!"
>
> Uh, hate to tell you but aftercare and safe words do exist for vanilla sex. It's getting your partner a glass of water after. It's cuddling and compliments. It's asking if they're feeling good during. It's words like stop, no, easy. It's asking if there's anything to make it better next time.
>
> If you don't really practice communicating and aftercare with your partner regardless of how vanilla it is or not, you're just not a good partner.
>
> #WELL
100% agree.
And this made me think about what aftercare is, and reminded me of my personal thoughts about foreplay.
Aftercare and foreplay make sense in situations where you are really connecting outside of any other life stuff. Like, if you're not in regular contact, those are the "before sex/kink/play" and the "after sex/kink/play" parts that should be paid attention to.
But they are SO MUCH more than that for me. And the quote above touches on that.
--
Let's talk foreplay. What sets it apart from sex?
To me, foreplay is all of the touching and affection and teasing and innuendo and LIFE that leads up to sex/kink/play. ALL OF IT. Not just the fifteen minutes of inexpert fumbling it takes for you to get your nerve together.
It's a lifestyle. It's maintaining the connection and heating things up whenever.
In fact, I think anything can be foreplay or sex, based on where you are/where it takes you in the process.
All of it is sex if you are heading TOWARDS sex.
It's all foreplay (to me) if it's over time with no intention of making sex (or kinky play) happen within a reasonable amount of time.
Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/sexuality-health/foreplay-and-aftercare-are-far-more-than-they-seem-to-me/