Crash Courses in Communication with Alex Perry

It’s no wonder you hate public speaking. Why your hands get sweaty, your heart beats fast; your mouth goes dry. Why, when something goes wrong, you panic, why you spend hours practicing only to end up forgetting what you have to say.

It’s no freakin’ wonder.

It’s no wonder why you say things like “I’d rather get in a car wreck” than do that presentation that’s on your schedule. It’s no wonder. . . Why, when you finally do make your way through whatever speaking thing you’ve got to do you end up reviewing it in your mind, with excruciating detail, picking out every “mistake” you made, everything you should’ve done better, every audience member’s face creating stories in your mind about how bored they were.

It’s no freaking wonder.

It’s no wonder you hate public speaking so much because people like me, like your old teachers, like the speaking experts you watch on social media, handed you a list of to do’s, a false set of formulas, tips, tricks, and fixes and told you if you followed them that your fear would go away. That if you did all of the things, that you would be able to put on the performance of a lifetime. We promised you to standing ovations, feedback sheets filled with positive comments, and endless streams of requests to speak coming in.

It’s no wonder you hate public speaking so much. Because we told you things like;

-don’t read but don’t memorize (oooooook?)

-practice makes perfect (uh-yeah, until it makes you neurotic)

-personalize what you have to say (but don’t be too personal)

-use big gestures (but don’t distract your audience)

-avoid death by PowerPoint (but make sure you have slides for people to follow along)

-tell stories (but don’t’ make it too much about yourself)

-remember that it’s a performance (therefore you better put on a good show)

-know your audience (except that’s impossible ‘cuz you can’t KNOW everyone, you don’t)

-get in the zone (you’re not playing football, where the heck is the zone)

-don’t’ start a greeting with a great hook (people are not fish, and Hi is a typical human-polite human greeting)

-deliver a jaw-dropping experience (sometimes what you’re talking about is boring, period, like a board meeting, don’t’ try to get cute, say what you’ve got to say and get out. CONTEXT matters).

-if you make a mistake, you’ll leave a terrible impression (way to scare people and underestimate the audience listening to them)

-what do I do with my hands (grown adults, asking what they do with their hands, a reminder here, you’ve been using them your whole life, you know what to do with them)?

It is no freaking wonder you hate public speaking.

And I’m so sorry because you deserve to be heard. You deserve to speak without fear. You deserve to share your stories, your data, your ideas...without being afraid.

I’m apologizing now because I have taught all of these things at one point or another, not realizing that in so many cases that “the sage” speaking advice so that so many people give, actually stops people from ever starting. I mean, there are So.many.rules. (and I say rules lightly because for heaven’s sake there’s no public speaking police task force waiting to come to get you if you start unknowingly fidgeting because you’re nervous).

You hate public speaking because you’ve been led to believe that to be successful at it that you must put on an act. And somewhere in the back of your mind, you think if you wanted to act, you’d have gone on to study acting and become a Broadway star. What’s even worse is that you’re afraid that, if you speak as yourself, you’re going to be rejected for what you say...so put on an even bigger act... and it all seems off.

There are so many rules that tell you “how to act” with the underlying implication that if you somehow fail to hit all of these markers, YOU will be a failure, in front of lots of people, which is embarrassing. We’re humans, and we avoid embarrassment like it’s COVID (yup, I said that, meaning that some folks go to extremes with this, one way or the other).

It’s no wonder so many people stay silent.

A conversation is defined as a talk, especially an informal one, between two or more people, in which news and ideas are exchanged.

I’m going to say that one more time, a conversation is defined as talk...

I thought it was time to do a little series, and I'm excited to talk with you about the lies we tell at work because we lie, ya know? Now there are all kinds of lies that we tell, but I think some of the most tragic lies we tell are the ones we tell ourselves. It's often these lies that keep us from communicating effectively with each other. They keep us from having conversations that would make our work (and lives) easier in the long run.

The first line I'm tackling is; "It's easier if I just do it myself."

Ohhhhhh, it's a good one. I know how to do XYZ best, I've been doing it longer, I can do it better, etc., etc. If they do it and screw up, it will take more work to fix in the long run. Oh, sure, it may seem easier to do it yourself, and maybe you do save time in the long run. But are you telling yourself the truth?

When you say, "It's easier to do it myself," are you saying... I don't trust those around me to do the job right. Ouch.

If you find yourself saying, "It's easier if I just do it myself." Stop before going further and ask if that's true. Really true. Sure, it might save you time in the short run, but what's it costing you long term?

Are you creating dependents when you want others to be independent? Are you stifling someone else's growth and development because you don't want to spend the time teaching them? Is this a pride issue for you? Do you think that just because you do something well that others can't, or even worse, they might be able to do it better than you?

Are you crushing team creativity because you believe a leader needs to know "everything?". What does it say to your team, colleagues, and leaders when you are unwilling or unable to ask for or let someone else help?

These are tough questions that I can't answer for you. Only you can. I can tell you what I've learned for myself and from coaching others. And that's when I say, "It's easier to do it myself." What I mean is I'm not willing to trust someone else to do the work or take the time to teach someone else to do the work, or I'm afraid to let someone else fail on my watch because it might reflect poorly on me.

These are hard truths, and it's important to talk about them because we don't get better when we tell ourselves lies.

We get better when we recognize that we're willing to let go, willing to teach, and willing to fail; we gain so much more than when we try to do it all on our own.

That's it for today. Thank you for listening! If you found today's Crash Course helpful, please share it with your colleagues and friends and hit the subscribe button so you don't miss an episode. It's great talking with you. Keep going strong, my friend; remember that I'm always your front-row fan.

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Repetition gets a bad rap, because, in many instances, we don’t want to insult someone because it can come off as sounding condescending. And or we don’t want to repeat ourselves for fear that we will be boring or annoying. These are completely valid feelings. We’ve suffered at the hands of boring, condescending, and annoying people. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. Understanding why, when and how to use repetition will help both you and your audience move the learning process along faster.

Let’s start with when we use repetition. We use repetition when we want others to remember what we say. We want to use repetition frequently when we’re leading and teaching, especially in the early stages, when we’re trying to help someone master new concepts or skills.

Why is repetition so effective? Because it helps reinforce new info, making it more memorable. Remembering, storing information in short term memory, is key to learning. If we can’t remember it, we didn’t learn it. So, if you want people to remember what you said, you’re going to have to get comfy with repetition.

Here's how it works in our brains...when we repeat, we are reinforcing the neural pathways in our brains responsible for that information. Over time, these neural pathways become stronger and more efficient, just like if you walked a new path repeatedly, making it easier for use to recall.

Ok now that we know why repetition is so important, let’s talk about how we can repeat without sounding boring, annoying, or condescending.

1. 1.) Use synonyms. Synonyms are words that mean the same (or close to the same thing). For example, instead of saying “very good” you could say “excellent or “outstanding”.
2. 2.) Change your sentence structure. This will add contrast and keep your listeners listening. For example, “changing your sentence structure adds contrast while you’re repeating information” and “In order to sound less repetitive, change your sentence structure!”
3. 3.) Use transition phrases. These are phrases that connect one thought to the next. For example... “in addition to”, “on the other hand”, “however”
4. 4.) Use anecdotes, analogies, and metaphors. Anecdotes are short stories that relate to your topic, real examples that enhance meaning. Analogies compare to similar things... “toxic workplace is like a dysfunctional family.”, Metaphors are a type of analogy that make a comparison where there may not be one at it’s up to the listener to formulate one “e.g. boil the ocean” or “time is money.”

So, there you have it. We use repetition when we want others to remember what we say and when we’re teaching new concepts or skills. Why is it so effective? Because it helps us remember. How do we avoid sounding boring, annoying, or condescending? By using synonyms, changing our sentences, using transition phrases and anecdotes, analogies, and metaphors.

This episode was edited and produced by Jenn Edds, the head broad in charge at the Brassy Broadcasting Company.

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Today we are tackling the question...is it ever OK to ramble?

OK, now I can't get the Rambling Man out of my head. Thanks, Allman Brothers. I mean, it's a different kind of rambling. But still. Have you ever talked and realized that you're going on and on without making a point? And then said something like, "Oh, sorry, I'm rambling?" You're not alone (ask my hubs; he's heard me do this so many times). It's pretty common for folks to ask me how to stop rambling. Getting to your point quickly is important in business, and I'm a fan. However, "rambling" is such a common occurrence that it got me thinking... "Is it ever OK to ramble?" I can now heartily respond... YES! Yes, it's OK to 'ramble.' That's because, chances are, you're not really rambling. Ramble doesn't mean what you think it means. Let's look at some definitions. Ramble, in general terms, means "to talk in a confused way, often for a long time." Are you confused when you're talking? Probably not, or at least I hope not. Taking too long? That's super subjective; context matters. Medically speaking, rambling means "Fragmented non-goal directed speech, most often caused by acute brain disease." Do you have acute brain disease? Probably not. Here's the deal: what you're calling rambling probably isn't rambling; it's external processing (aka talking through your ideas out loud). Some people talk through their ideas, and some people think through ideas before sharing them out loud (internal processing) Is it wrong to externally process? No. Is internal processing better than external? Also no. They're different. And that's OK. Chances are, when you've caught yourself 'rambling,' you're not rambling (confused or brain-injured). You're working through your thoughts out loud. There's no need to apologize for that. If you're worried that you've gone on too long, take a break and ask the person/people who are listening if they're still with you and/or if they'd like to add something. So keep on talking, free from the fear of rambling. There are so many people that need to hear what you have to say.

Until next time know that I’m rooting for you from the #frontrow.

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In this episode:

You’ll learn 10 ways you might be communicating aggressively without knowing it. Take a listen.

This episode was edited and produced by Jenn Edds, the head broad in charge at the Brassy Broadcasting Company.

Sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

Connect with me on

LinkedIn Alex Perry

Instagram @pswithalex

Schedule a time to talk with me here.