Independence Is Great but It’s Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be

03/17/21 • 40 min

When 11-year-old Anique left Sri Lanka, she thought it'd be temporary. Almost two decades later, she talks with brother Navin and mum Sushani about guilt, obligation, and what freedom really means.

Watch the video version of the episode here

When 11-year-old Anique left Sri Lanka, she thought it'd be temporary. Almost two decades later, she talks with brother Navin and mum Sushani about guilt, obligation, and what freedom really means.

The Jayasinghe whānau originally hail from Sri Lanka but also lived in Malaysia for five years and Singapore for a year, before finally ending up in Tāmaki Makaurau. Sushani and her two kids Navin and Anique settled here with their father (referred to as Thati in the episode), though he and Sushani separated in 2007.

The separation was difficult on Sushani and the kids at the time, and Anique remembers that Navin, as the oldest, shouldered a lot of the responsibility of care.

"Navin was the person who always took the brunt of the responsibility since Thati left. I really always admired that. It showed me the type of person I want to be, and it just showed me a different side, that there can be men who take care of families."

There were positive outcomes to the separation also, including Sushani's increased sense of independence. She learnt how to drive and how to do her own taxes, and these are things she describes taking a lot of joy and pride in.

Her experience of finding peace and happiness in independence is a key theme that runs through the podcast episode, and is mirrored by her daughter Anique's experience. Anique moved out of home in her mid-20s to undertake her Masters in Te Whanganui-a-Tara, and recently moved to Whanganui to work as a community arts coordinator.

Coming from a culture that prioritises the collective over the individual, the dominant narrative of individualised success in Aotearoa has been challenging to adapt to. Anique describes the process of trying to understand this, comparing it to what is considered normal in Sri Lanka.

"There are intergenerational families living in one household, and that's not a stigma. It's not a thing. I guess I've been thinking about how I sometimes feel guilt that I can't be here for the family."

The discussions in this episode delve into the balancing act of upholding cultural expectations around taking care of family, while staying true to expectations for oneself.

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

When 11-year-old Anique left Sri Lanka, she thought it'd be temporary. Almost two decades later, she talks with brother Navin and mum Sushani about guilt, obligation, and what freedom really means.

Watch the video version of the episode here

When 11-year-old Anique left Sri Lanka, she thought it'd be temporary. Almost two decades later, she talks with brother Navin and mum Sushani about guilt, obligation, and what freedom really means.

The separation was difficult on Sushani and the kids at the time, and Anique remembers that Navin, as the oldest, shouldered a lot of the responsibility of care.

The discussions in this episode delve into the balancing act of upholding cultural expectations around taking care of family, while staying true to expectations for oneself.

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Previous Episode

Not Your White Boy

From Botswana to Nelson to Pōneke, Judah and his sons Tafara and Pako have experienced multiple communities. They talk about fruit picking, single dad life, and dreams in different languages.

Watch the video version of the episode here

From Botswana to Nelson to Pōneke, Judah and his sons Tafara and Pako have experienced multiple communities. They talk about fruit picking, single dad life, and dreams in different languages.

When Judah and his sons Tafara and Pako came to Aotearoa from Botswana, their first home was Mahana, Nelson. To some, this might sound like an especially jarring transition, but the Seomeng whānau believes it had its benefits.

As Pako describes it, "Had we come straight from Africa to, say, living here, central Wellington, that would have been a way bigger culture shock, big towers and everything, compared to still the same lifestyle ."

However, the family's arrival in the country was not without its struggles. Pako's mother became ill with cancer and passed away just a couple of years after they moved here. To sustain the three of them financially, Judah did a variety of jobs, including fruit-picking and tree-pruning.

Judah remembers, "There was times when I was working, starting work before sunrise and finishing at last light picking fruit. That was the time when I used to be late picking you guys up."

Tafara chuckles, "Single dad life, eh?"

Judah worked as a musician as well as studying, and in 2019, he graduated with a Masters in Cultural Anthropology. Tafara and Pako are both working now, and flat separately in Wellington. Judah has remarried and has a five-year-old daughter Sethunya and a stepdaughter Shiloh.

The three men find common ground in this episode when discussing language, and the moments they noticed their mother tongue, and primary language, changing from Setswana to English.

"All of a sudden, my dreams stopped being in Setswanan and they started being in English. I was, like, 'Wow, what is going on with my life?' Even now, I still wonder why I can't dream in Setswanan even though I can still speak Setswana. I try to force my dreams to be Setswana, but they just don't. They come out all in English," explains Tafara.

This episode explores the experience of the black diaspora in Aotearoa, and covers themes of isolation, integration, and grief.

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Next Episode

VIP

After four years studying in Dunedin, Alby has just moved back in with his mum Lina in Naenae. The two of them discuss Lina's career, Alby's grief, and whom our lives are lived for.

Content warning: This episode explores themes around mental health.

Watch the video version of the episode here

After four years studying in Dunedin, Alby has just moved back in with his mum Lina in Naenae. The two of them discuss Lina's career, Alby's grief, and whom our lives are lived for.

When Lina Fairbrother came to Aotearoa from Sāmoa in 1986, the move was a chance to improve the lives of loved ones at home, as well as to give her potential children here more of a leg-up in the world than she had.

"That is the main reason why I came here: to help my family to have a future here."

A few years after arriving here, Lina, in her own words, "met my honey" in Albert Fairbrother, Sr. They married, had one son, whom they also named Albert Fairbrother. The three of them lived in Naenae, Lower Hutt. Albert Fairbrother, Sr. was 26 years older than Lina when they married, which caused some trouble at family gatherings.

"Uncle Maiava said, 'Oh, he's too old for you, look for another one,'" remembers Lina.

Alby's dad passed away when he was still in Year 12, something which dramatically changed how he experienced his last year at school. He describes attaining university entrance early, but his grades dropped so low in his final year that he was unable to get into university without sitting extra exams.

He moved to Dunedin to study at Otago in 2017, and took some time to adjust to the lifestyle and the community.

This episode was recorded the day after Alby left his hall of residence and his life in Dunedin to move back in with Lina. He recently got his first job, a graduate position writing policy for the Ministry of Primary Industries, the same government department that Lina, coincidentally, has worked in as part of the cleaning staff for the last 10 years.

Lina's perception of her job is an important counterpoint to the ways immigrant workers in cleaning roles have widely been portrayed.

"I told people at MPI, 'My team, we are VIP people.' They look at me and I say, 'We are very important people. Without us, who's going to clean your mess?' I'm not ashamed because it pays the bills, buys the food. I do it with passion because I'm a cleaner, and I'm so happy to call myself a cleaner."...

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details