Conversations with My Immigrant Parents

Joseph and Grace Trinidad talk about making their "own little Philippines" in the Hawke's Bay, why Filipinos love competition, and what it means to be both queer and Catholic in 2019.

Content warning: This episode also explores themes around mental health.

Watch the video version of the episode here

Many New Zealanders may be surprised to learn of the large Filipino community in the Hawke's Bay. It's a well-organised and tightly-run ship, with elected presidents responsible for running events, including games for Easter, Valentine's Day pageants, Halloween festivities, and of course gathering together en masse to celebrate the birthdays of the many children and grandchildren across various families.

The Trinidads - made up of son Joseph, his sister Elyx, and their parents Grace and Jose - moved to Hawke's Bay 10 years ago, and are active members of the community. Jose was a farmer in the Philippines before selling his livestock to come and work in the New Zealand dairy industry. He worked as an 'Overseas Filipino Worker' for three years before he was able to bring the rest of his whānau over.

His son Joseph recalls the transition as a 13-year-old from the bustling Philippines to rural New Zealand: "It was cool to move to a different country. I can be a different personality and no one knows who I am. But the biggest change was we had such a busy life in the Philippines, where we'd go out every weekend, go to the city, go to the mall - we wouldn't come home until 9pm and here... everything closes at 5pm."

Joseph now lives in Wellington with his partner Max, and works in a call centre. He travelled back to Hawke's Bay to record this podcast with his mother. Grace was a professor in the Philippines, but struggled to find adequate teaching work here. She currently works at a pet-food packing factory.

In the episode, Grace and Joseph talk about Filipino accents, Joseph's coming-out experience, and sexuality and freedom in the Catholic Church.

"Remember when you were in the hospital, telling me that you are gay? What was the first thing I told you?" asks Grace.

"You don't care. And you already knew," replies Joseph.

"Even the wider Filipino community knows that I'm gay. And I don't know what they say behind closed doors, but they've always been nice to me."

Where to get help:

Need to Talk? Free call or text 1737 any time to speak to a trained counsellor, for any reason.

Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357...

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Tooba and her husband Habib chat with their teens about community and strength in Ōtautahi, a place that has been both a source of immense grief and love since they arrived in 2007 from Pakistan.

Content warning: This episode contains discussion of the white supremacist terror attack of March 15th, 2019.

Watch the video version of the episode here

Tooba and her husband Habib chat with their teens about community and strength in Ōtautahi, a place that has been both a source of immense grief and love since they arrived in 2007 from Pakistan.

Habib, Tooba, and their children Fatima and Usman have lived through some of the darkest events in Ōtautahi's history. The family moved from Pakistan in 2007, and have lived in Ōtautahi ever since. Habib works for the Ministry of Ethnic Communities and Tooba doesn't formally have a job, though she does a great deal of work providing support to many members of her community. Fatima and Usman, despite being a year apart, are in the same year at high school.

After arriving in their new home town, the family moved around a number of times, living in rental houses all around Christchurch from their arrival up until 2021. According to Tooba, leaving one house and moving into the next was a test of strength: "The bad thing about moving houses was the inspections. They were giving us the dirtiest house and then we were cleaning and making it like new, and after three months, taking photos, even if there was one piece of grass growing, and they were saying, 'You need to mow like this.'"

The 2011 earthquake was a crisis felt by the whole country, though the magnitude of it was hard to comprehend for anyone outside the city, and especially to those unfamiliar with what Ōtautahi pre-earthquake might have looked and felt like. But unfortunately, they were only the first of two major tragedies to be suffered in the same decade.

2019's white supremacist terror attack at Al Noor mosque and the Linwood Islamic Centre was, in Tooba's words, "the worst nightmare of our life." The family describe realising the magnitude of the violence against their community more and more over the course of the day, as they learnt about what exactly had unfolded. Fatima says she started wearing her hijab after the attacks, and doesn't think she would have done so if not for that, and Usman talks about his school facilitating more Muslim groups since the attacks. Tooba and Habib's community work leveled up following the March 15th attacks, and remains an important aspect of family life...

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Arriving from Fiji, newlywed Halima Stewart headed straight to Tapu Te Ranga Marae where she raised three kids with husband Bruce. She talks with her two youngest about navigating different cultures.

Watch the video version of the episode here

Arriving from Fiji, newlywed Halima Stewart headed straight to Tapu Te Ranga Marae where she raised three kids with husband Bruce. She talks with her two youngest about navigating different cultures.

Halima Stewart was 22 when she came to Aotearoa to be with her new husband Bruce, who was in his 50s when they met. After growing up in Fiji, and speaking only Hindi, moving countries and heading straight to Tapu Te Ranga Marae to live was a huge culture shock for Halima.

"When I was first feeling homesick on the marae, Bruce tried his best to take me everywhere he could so that I could speak my own language. Two years, I couldn't speak my own language around here, and I couldn't speak English very well at that time. I never knew what 'homesick' meant at that time."

Bruce Stewart was an influential figure in Te Whanganui-a-Tara, and when he passed away in 2017, his death left a hole in the lives of many people around him. He and Halima had three kids: Parehuia, Hirini, and Kirihika. Halima's two youngest kids, Hirini and Kirihika, join her in the discussion on the podcast.

"Growing up, not being Indian enough in an Indian household and not being Māori enough in a Māori household. You're just in the stereotypes constantly," poses Kirihika.

As Kirihika explains, trying to stay true to both sides of her identity was difficult. Halima wanted her children to grow up with a strong sense of their identity as Indians, and with knowledge of Islam, as she did. Bruce wanted their children to grow up with tikanga Māori, which was largely missing from his own childhood and upbringing.

Tapu Te Ranga Marae was a beacon for the community in Island Bay, but unfortunately a fire broke out in 2019, a tragedy which is covered extensively in Episode One of RNZ podcast He Kākano Ahau. Losing both Bruce and Tapu Te Ranga was devastating for Halima. Although Halima and Bruce had been separated for many years, she was his primary caregiver in his later years, and was with him when he passed.

This episode explores loss, isolation in a new country, biculturalism, and cross-cultural relationships that bypass colonialism and connect straight into te ao Māori.

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In Kirikiriroa, Donally and her father Alfredo discuss parenting that contradicts society's expectations, how Filipino men are expected to 'get on with it,' and life after tremendous grief.

Content warning: This episode refers to mental health, grief, and death.

Watch the video version of the episode here

In Kirikiriroa, Donally and her father Alfredo discuss parenting that contradicts society's expectations, how Filipino men are expected to 'get on with it,' and life after tremendous grief.

Alfredo Bernal immigrated to Kirikiriroa from the Philippines and met and married his first wife soon after. They had a daughter, Donally, but divorced when she was 18 months old.

Alfredo took custody of Donally after the separation and was her primary caregiver, though the breakdown of his marriage took a toll.

"I've always thought that marriages are lifetime things. You don't get unmarried. I grew up in an environment where there's no such thing as divorce, so, when I married your mum, I thought that I will be married for life. But, unfortunately, it didn't work. Honestly, I cannot remember why. And in my second marriage, I tried harder. So that lasted longer."

Growing up with her father as her primary caregiver meant Donally always felt a bit different to her classmates and friends. The two of them discuss the quizzical looks they would receive from other mothers and parents at playgroups or at the mall.

"There's a stigma to fathers raising daughters," muses Alfredo.

Alfredo grew up Catholic in the Philippines, but didn't raise Donally as strictly in the church. During her high school years in Kirikiriroa, Donally experienced difficult times, and she was aware of how her relatives' opinions about this were influenced by their faith.

"The normal is to be Catholic in the Philippines, so I remember a comment that someone gave to you about me and they said, 'Well, why didn't you send her to church? You should have sent her to church so that she wouldn't be depressed and suicidal,' or whatever, as if it was your fault and you'd done something wrong by not raising me the way that all the other Filipinos were raised."

Fortunately, Donally has reached a point in her life now in her early 20s where she feels truly settled, and currently lives with her husband Austin in Tauranga. She and Alfredo are still close despite living in different cities, and this episode explores the depth of their relationship, Filipino identity outside of religious and cultural norms, grief, and parenthood...

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Francisco and Vibeke are parents to teenagers who regularly switch between Argentinian and Dutch cultures. They talk about why coming from different countries means navigating more than just language.

Watch the video version of the episode here

The Blaha/Brethouwer whānau live on Waiheke Island and have roots in three different countries: Argentina, Holland, and here in Aotearoa. Dad Francisco migrated here as an adult; Mum Vibeke was born in Aotearoa but grew up in Holland; and their teenage children, Kika (14) and Felix (17), were born in Auckland.

Francisco left Argentina because he saw no place for himself in a system he saw as rigged, with a corrupt military government. He hopped on a boat with little clue of what he was going to do, and spent the next few years working on boats in the Pacific, eventually finding Aotearoa through a serendipitous weekend.

"I was in Tonga and they asked me to bring a boat down to New Zealand to do survey, which is like a warrant of fitness. So I arrived here and I had a very good weekend and I decided to jump off the boat and never ."

Vibeke, on the other hand, feels she's left a large part of herself in Holland.

"I left New Zealand when I was three years old, so I had no real memories... I'll always feel like I'm going to be almost split in half. When I'm in New Zealand, I miss things about Holland, and when I'm in Holland, I really miss things about New Zealand. I've now literally lived half my life here, so I'm completely torn forever."

Many threads in this episode explore the cultural differences between Dutch and Argentinian people, the difficulties for kids of immigrants raised in multiple cultures, and the privilege of the family being perceived as being more 'ex-pat' than 'immigrant.'

Kika points out how often she doesn't get recognised as being from an immigrant background: "Until I say, 'Oh, my dad's from Argentina,' or until they see a photo of him - because you're tall and big and dark - people don't think about the culture, or the history, or, 'Oh, what if this chick has some super cool... what if she can speak Spanish or speak Dutch.'"

"I feel like I have to try and present that culture a lot more, and I really want to because it's something I want to have presented and I want to have a part of me."

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details