#108 How To Have An Honest Relationship with Robert Kandell
11/22/17 • 21 min
Robert Kandell is a successful writer, teacher, podcast host and coach. He has helped people build successful and honest relationships through workshops, lectures and live events. Robert understands the challenges that arise when breakups happen and he shares his own breakup stories and the steps he undertook to get back on track.
One of the key strategies that Robert did following his breakup was to learn to be by himself. He started a four-month celibacy, where he did not look for another relationship, rather he looked within and found that he was always looking for validation from his partners. He needed to be right, he needed to know that he was a good man and he was attractive.
With this information Robert started to look for ways to build up his own self-esteem. He had heard a saying that resonated with him that self-esteem is built upon estimable acts. So Robert learned to do things that made him feel good about himself, such as going to the gym and working with a personal trainer, he worked with a therapist and quite sugar.
Robert believes that most of us are taught to withhold the truth, to lie, to sooth other people’s egos. Often the truth is difficult to hear and say to another person, and if your relationship is built on lies and untruths then how can you have an honest and authentic relationship. Truth and open communication is the glue that holds a relationship together.
People hold back or hide some truths from their partner for fear and shame that they could loose their partner. This creates a false foundation because our partner doesn’t really know who we are. You walk around with disguises on rather then telling the truth. You assume their reaction and play out stories in your mind as to their reaction.
When coaching people Roberts tells his clients to tell their partner 100% authentic truth, and if that person chooses to leave them then they were not right for his client and tells them that they will find some one who is good for them. The basis for a successful relationship is telling the truth, being honest and feeling safe in telling that person everything about you. When you do this Its like a weight has been lifted of your shoulders and brings you closer to your partner rather than living in a mediocre relationship
You can find out more about Robert Kandell @ www.tufflove.live and on twitter @robertkandell and his podcast is Tuff Love.
Robert Kandell is a successful writer, teacher, podcast host and coach. He has helped people build successful and honest relationships through workshops, lectures and live events. Robert understands the challenges that arise when breakups happen and he shares his own breakup stories and the steps he undertook to get back on track.
One of the key strategies that Robert did following his breakup was to learn to be by himself. He started a four-month celibacy, where he did not look for another relationship, rather he looked within and found that he was always looking for validation from his partners. He needed to be right, he needed to know that he was a good man and he was attractive.
With this information Robert started to look for ways to build up his own self-esteem. He had heard a saying that resonated with him that self-esteem is built upon estimable acts. So Robert learned to do things that made him feel good about himself, such as going to the gym and working with a personal trainer, he worked with a therapist and quite sugar.
Robert believes that most of us are taught to withhold the truth, to lie, to sooth other people’s egos. Often the truth is difficult to hear and say to another person, and if your relationship is built on lies and untruths then how can you have an honest and authentic relationship. Truth and open communication is the glue that holds a relationship together.
People hold back or hide some truths from their partner for fear and shame that they could loose their partner. This creates a false foundation because our partner doesn’t really know who we are. You walk around with disguises on rather then telling the truth. You assume their reaction and play out stories in your mind as to their reaction.
When coaching people Roberts tells his clients to tell their partner 100% authentic truth, and if that person chooses to leave them then they were not right for his client and tells them that they will find some one who is good for them. The basis for a successful relationship is telling the truth, being honest and feeling safe in telling that person everything about you. When you do this Its like a weight has been lifted of your shoulders and brings you closer to your partner rather than living in a mediocre relationship
You can find out more about Robert Kandell @ www.tufflove.live and on twitter @robertkandell and his podcast is Tuff Love.
Previous Episode
#107 How To Survive 2 Divorces And Still Have a Positive Outlook On Life with Dave Jackson
Most people find the divorce process difficult at best, I was pleasantly surprised after having a conversation with Dave Jackson who has navigated the Divorce process not once but twice and found that he still had a positive outlook on life. For some the end of marriage brings doom and gloom, but Dave has been able to dust himself off, reflect on his actions, look at what he did, what he could have done and what he can do better in the future.
Dave talks about his first marriage and how the financial burden of trying to conceive and the pressure of not been able to have children resulted in them having to file for bankruptcy. Added to that his wife’s alcoholism and infidelity on her part, the relationship finally broke down and they decided to end their marriage. Dave moved in with his brother who helped him navigate some of the emotions that came with divorce as he too had had a similar breakup.
The second time around Dave did not listen to the red flags that continually raised their heads at the beginning of his relationship. He felt in order to fix his relationship he should get married, however after 6 months of marriage they were in counseling. Dave was continually been told he was abandoning her every time he did solo activities. His wife’s insecurities added to the breakdown of the marriage.
Neither would compromise nor understand each other’s needs and no one wanted to change. After 6 years of counseling Dave was tired and spent emotionally, they were making each other miserable. He believes you can be right or you can be married, so the marriage ended. Dave felt like a failure because he had gone through a divorce once before, he had invested in things like counseling, he had read books and attended retreats, but the marriage still ended.
Dave didn’t want to be that guy living alone with his cat, but he is. But on the other hand he can live the life that he wants to, he no longer dreads coming home to an argument, the stress has left his life and he has found peace and happiness. On reflection Dave has been able to see that he is attracted to people that need help, however if people don’t want to be helped or don’t want to change then this can lead to conflict and misunderstandings within relationships.
If you want to listen to any of Dave Jackson’s podcasts or connect with him you can do this @ http://powerofpodcasting.com
Next Episode
#109 How To Be Happy Again After Your Breakup
There can be a number of emotions that are stopping you from moving on after your breakup, separation or divorce. In this episode I am going to explore two reasons why you are not finding happiness in your life. I am going to be talking about the impact that grief and self-sabotage can have on your emotions and why not dealing with these two things can hold you back from moving forward and finding happiness again.
Grief is an emotion that is not only associated with a relationship breakup up, but with any major loss that occurs in your life, some one or some thing that you care for, a death of a loved one, loss of a pet, the loss of a job or a loss of important possessions, and what I will be talking about in this episode, a loss of a relationship and a way of life.
When we lose someone, it can take time to adjust and learn to live life without that person. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve and each person will find a different way to deal with and work through his or her own grief. The time frame in which you will work through your grief will differ depending on so many situations.
So what I am trying to say here is that every body is different and what works for one person may not necessarily work for you, the time it takes will vary so don’t compare yourself with some one else as their circumstances, situation and so many other variables makes it very difficult to compare
It is important to express how you are feeling to a trusted friend or family member or professional rather than bottling them up inside. You never know when someone else’s experience or perspective can give you information that you need and allows you to ease your burden by letting some one else help carry it.
It takes time to adjust to your new way of life; there is no right or wrong time frame in which you should be over your breakup. Take one step at a time one day at a time and know that you can get through this even though there are times that you think you cant.
It can be so easy to start and feel like you are finally moving forward in your life, then all of a sudden and out of the blue you feel that you are taking 2 steps backwards and the thought of moving forward is way beyond your grasp.
You might ask yourself are you self-sabotaging your progress, your happiness. No one wants to think that they are actually self-sabotaging their own happiness. Some of the questions you could ask yourself in order to work out if you are in fact self-sabotaging your happiness would be.
What are you continuing to still do that is holding you back from finding inner peace and happiness? What is holding you back from achieving your goals? Are you content in living in fear and misery? Are you comfortable in your thoughts? Do you fear the unknown that is why you are living in the past?
Fear and dread and anxiety can paralyse you. It can stop you from moving forward, from looking to the future with hope and confidence. Do you have some counter productive habits that are keeping you in the doom and gloom after your breakup?
So I want you to take a moment to listen to your self-talk. What are you saying to your self? Lets just focus on your breakup for the moment here. Are you telling yourself that you have the worst life, that your ex has done so much wrong to you; they have caused you all this hurt and anguish.
Or are you been mean to yourself. Are you saying things that only a bully would say? Are you telling yourself that you are worthless, that you are stupid for been in a relationship with that person in the first place? Are you constantly berating yourself? Are you telling yourself that you will never find happiness again? It is so important to be aware of your thoughts and behaviours.
I would like you to focus on solutions and take some time of self-reflection, take some time to work through what you want from your life, what activities will make you happy, what steps you need to take in order for happiness to return. I would like you to make peace with your pain after your breakup.
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