219 - The Story You Make Up About Their Life and What You Think It Means About Yours

04/08/24 • 40 min

When you look out at others, where does it come from?

Does it come from safety and truth?

Or are you needing and wanting to confirm some sort of story you’ve made up?

In this episode, Jill explores the reasons behind our need to see other people and make up a story about their successes and compare them to our own insecurities.

Show Notes:

[9:58] - Some of us are in bondage to these made-up stories.

[11:47] - Why is our knee-jerk reaction to focus on the things that other people seem to be doing better, but when we look at ourselves, we focus on the negative?

[13:44] - We play a comparison game because we focus outward.

[16:24] - When you’re focusing externally to find meaning, that’s the pitfall.

[17:49] - Why are you looking outward?

[21:13] - If your “come from” is safety and security, you won’t feel threatened.

[22:58] - There are things you simply won’t know about someone else by looking at them.

[26:06] - We find ourselves looking at other people and we’re thinking that they’re doing things better because deep down we still feel like we are not enough.

[28:29] - If it is coming through the lens of love, we won’t make anything up or add anything to the picture. We won’t make it mean anything about ourselves.

[31:02] - Everybody does this. But is it all-consuming?

[33:03] - Consider who you are looking at and how you are making a made-up story mean something about your own life.

[34:32] - It all boils down to outsourcing our worth.

[36:30] - We avoid being still and quiet to face insecurities. It's easier to look outward.

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When you look out at others, where does it come from?

Does it come from safety and truth?

Or are you needing and wanting to confirm some sort of story you’ve made up?

In this episode, Jill explores the reasons behind our need to see other people and make up a story about their successes and compare them to our own insecurities.

Show Notes:

[9:58] - Some of us are in bondage to these made-up stories.

[11:47] - Why is our knee-jerk reaction to focus on the things that other people seem to be doing better, but when we look at ourselves, we focus on the negative?

[13:44] - We play a comparison game because we focus outward.

[16:24] - When you’re focusing externally to find meaning, that’s the pitfall.

[17:49] - Why are you looking outward?

[21:13] - If your “come from” is safety and security, you won’t feel threatened.

[22:58] - There are things you simply won’t know about someone else by looking at them.

[26:06] - We find ourselves looking at other people and we’re thinking that they’re doing things better because deep down we still feel like we are not enough.

[28:29] - If it is coming through the lens of love, we won’t make anything up or add anything to the picture. We won’t make it mean anything about ourselves.

[31:02] - Everybody does this. But is it all-consuming?

[33:03] - Consider who you are looking at and how you are making a made-up story mean something about your own life.

[34:32] - It all boils down to outsourcing our worth.

[36:30] - We avoid being still and quiet to face insecurities. It's easier to look outward.

Rate, Review, & Follow on Apple Podcasts

Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow Be You Podcast. There is a new episode every single week, and if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out.

Previous Episode

218 - How to Have Healthy, Loving, and Connected Relationships with Kelly Gardner

With over 25 years of experience in education, Kelly has taught some form of personal growth to individuals from preschool to graduate school and beyond. His early training in drama therapy, non-violent communication, and childhood development combine with his more recent experiences in parenting, personal development and leadership training to create a unique approach to helping individuals grow their most loving relationships.

Show Notes:

[1:56] - This conversation goes in many different directions and you’ll learn a lot about yourself.

[6:04] - Kelly shares a bit about his background and the foundational experiences that shaped him.

[9:08] - Kelly began working with men, particularly about developing healthy relationships.

[10:56] - What is Drama Therapy and how can this approach guide people through self-discovery and expression?

[16:00] - Jill shares the experience of watching a movie that moved her to identifying and expressing something that was heavy to her.

[19:05] - Kelly became involved in this work early in his life, but continues to learn more and more.

[21:46] - What is the difference between a caregiver and a caretaker?

[24:07] - What are things that show up for you that appear good, but are not what they appear?

[28:17] - Kelly explains how he discovered that he was pointing his finger at someone else.

[30:02] - Women coming together and being vulnerable is built into society. But men in community are socialized in a world where that is not normalized.

[33:50] - What things don’t you want other people to know about you?

[36:40] - Kelly’s societal expectation was to create and provide safety, but what value do men have when they fear they can’t keep it together?

[40:24] - We need authentic masculinity, but that’s not just a man’s job.

[42:57] - The antagonist is a reflection of the externalized version of the protagonist’s internal drama.

[45:25] - You can only see so much through your own ego. You might not be able to do this alone.

[47:57] - Kelly shares the story of a man he has worked with that experienced profound healing in building relationships.

[53:38] - It’s not building up strength and hardness that allows you to let go. It’s softening.

[54:50] - The things that bring you success are oftentimes the things that hold you back, especially when it comes to relationships.

[57:38] - Kelly explains compassionate communication.

[60:36] - Some communication is just taking your judgments and squeezing them into a form that you think would be more easily accepted. But it's still judgment.

[63:08] - We can’t argue with feelings.

[65:44] - Every communication is seeking something that needs to be met.

[68:03] - Sometimes, we truly want conflict.

[70:01] - Jill admits something about how she communicates with her husband sometimes and Kelly suggests it is about wanting to be invited.

[75:03] - Identify why you are going into a conversation and the core need you are seeking to be met.

[76:55] - The majority of conflicts in a relationship stem from both parties needing to be heard and seen.

[79:05] - There are programs online that can help provide community.

I know there was something in this episode that you were meant to hear. Let me know what that is. Thank you for being here today with me on our healing journeys.

Connect with Kelly:

Next Episode

220 - Only Listen If You Can Handle a Kick in the Tush

Jill takes the gloves off and gives us bare knuckles coaching on:

Pretending we don’t know what to do
Not admitting we aren’t willing to do what it takes to get what we say we want
Being ask-holes
The lies we tell ourselves about weakness and strength
Blaming everything outside of ourselves for the life we have
Why quitting is sometimes the bravest act

Show Notes:

[1:27] - Let’s chat about the lie we share that we don’t know what to do.

[2:48] - Our brain craves safety. But safety isn’t safe. It’s just what is familiar.

[4:20] - Some of us are genuinely unwilling to do what it takes. That radical honesty is fine.

[6:18] - Some people will continue to complain about not knowing what to do, even though the solutions have been provided.

[9:33] - We can’t pretend to not know what to do. If we really don’t know what to do, we can find the answers.

[11:03] - You need to do the work, read the books, find the information, take the courses, and do it all yourself. You can’t rely on someone else to give it to you.

[12:18] - Some people will not only complain about not knowing what to do, but will come up with lists of reasons why they can’t do it.

[14:17] - Being a people pleaser is actually a form of control.

[16:02] - We’re married to our story. We’re married to the excuses. What if we decided to propose to the answers?

[19:54] - We don’t know what we don’t know.

[21:08] - Are you willing to become the student?

[24:51] - Things will change for you when you realize you are the director of your own theater.

[27:23] - No one is coming to save you. You are your own hero.

[32:26] - There’s a difference between rest and weakness.

[34:03] - Functional freeze is when you are able to function, but inside you are stuck.

[37”25] - Are you going to heed the advice?

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Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow Be You Podcast. There is a new episode every single week, and if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out.