Max Dickins: On Male Friendship & Overcoming Weekend Loneliness

12/19/23 • 42 min

Getting engaged to your partner is typically a time for celebration. But for today’s guest Max Dickins, it was .... more complicated. As he prepared to propose to his girlfriend, Naomi, he had an uncomfortable revelation: he couldn’t think of anyone to ask to be his best man. This prompted a personal crisis for the writer and comedian – one which inspired him to address the dwindling friendship connections in his own life ...... and to investigate the topic of male mental health and loneliness more. The result was his brilliant non-fiction book, Billy No Mates: How I Realised Men Have a Friendship Problem.

This is a wide-ranging discussion, which actually opens with a chat about the romance of solitude – sometimes Max has always valued, but once used as an excuse for why he sometimes had no one to see at weekends. We also cover gendered attitudes towards both solitude and loneliness, which was really interesting and definitely opened my eyes. I hope you enjoy listening.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

Takeaways

Solitude and loneliness are not the same; solitude is a choice to spend time alone, while loneliness is a subjective feeling of unhappiness with social connections.
Gender plays a significant role in the association of solitude and loneliness, with historical and cultural factors influencing the gendered distinctions.
Toxic masculinity can contribute to extreme solitude and the need to outdo each other in terms of solitude, which can be pathological.
The social biome is a balance of different types of relationships, including close friendships, casual connections, and moments of solitude.
Weekend loneliness is a phenomenon that affects many individuals, particularly men, who may feel isolated and lacking social connections during weekends.
Understanding and appreciating the value of solitude can lead to a healthier balance in relationships and personal well-being.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Background

03:00 Gendered Perspectives on Solitude

06:00 Toxic Masculinity and Extreme Solitude

09:00 The Rationalisation of Solitude

10:00 Loneliness vs. Solitude

12:00 The Social Biome and Balance

15:00 The Friendship Problem for Men

20:00 Exploring Masculinity and Gender Conditioning

23:00 Gendered Behaviours and Barriers to Connection

29:00 Weekend Loneliness and its Impact

34:00 Reevaluating the Value of Solitude

38:00 Reflections on the Book and the Importance of Conversation

With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

Takeaways

Solitude and loneliness are not the same; solitude is a choice to spend time alone, while loneliness is a subjective feeling of unhappiness with social connections.
Gender plays a significant role in the association of solitude and loneliness, with historical and cultural factors influencing the gendered distinctions.
Toxic masculinity can contribute to extreme solitude and the need to outdo each other in terms of solitude, which can be pathological.
The social biome is a balance of different types of relationships, including close friendships, casual connections, and moments of solitude.
Weekend loneliness is a phenomenon that affects many individuals, particularly men, who may feel isolated and lacking social connections during weekends.
Understanding and appreciating the value of solitude can lead to a healthier balance in relationships and personal well-being.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Background

03:00 Gendered Perspectives on Solitude

06:00 Toxic Masculinity and Extreme Solitude

09:00 The Rationalisation of Solitude

10:00 Loneliness vs. Solitude

12:00 The Social Biome and Balance

15:00 The Friendship Problem for Men

20:00 Exploring Masculinity and Gender Conditioning

23:00 Gendered Behaviours and Barriers to Connection

29:00 Weekend Loneliness and its Impact

34:00 Reevaluating the Value of Solitude

38:00 Reflections on the Book and the Importance of Conversation

With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Previous Episode

Anita Bhagwandas: Finding a Social Balance When You Live Alone

My guest this week is Anita Bhagwandas, an award winning beauty director, and more recently the author of Ugly: Giving Us Back Our Beauty Standards, a book that examines the damaging impact of narrow beauty ideals and serves as a brilliant manifesto towards a more inclusive attitude. The book explores the importance of practising self care on your own terms, not what the beauty industry tells you - something Anita knows a lot about after 15 years in the industry. Anita also lives alone in London, like me, and we discuss the creative joys of cooking for one, getting to plan a week that perfectly balances quiet night doing laundry with going out to gigs with friends - something Anita loves – plus an honest discussion of why getting flaked on can affect you much harder when you’re single or live alone.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

Takeaways

Alone time preferences can vary from person to person, and it is important to find a balance that works for you.
Self-care is not about buying things or following trends; it is about understanding what truly nourishes and rejuvenates you.
The commodification of self-care has led to a misconception that it requires expensive products or activities, when in reality, it can be as simple as taking a few minutes for yourself.
It is important to advocate for yourself and communicate your needs to others, especially when it comes to making plans and canceling.
Cooking for oneself can be an act of self-care, and it is important to challenge the notion that it is not worth it to cook for one person.
Don't just follow beauty trends or societal expectations, choose makeup and beauty routines that bring you joy and creativity.
Alone time can be an escape from beauty standards and an opportunity to embrace your natural self.
Choose what beauty work brings you joy and let go of the tasks that feel tedious or unnecessary.
Journaling and checking in with yourself can be a valuable practice for self-reflection and self-care.

Chapters