Puck brings the mortals a special delivery.

To read the full script of this episode, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

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Episode Three: Two at Once Will Woo One

Cast (In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

The Mortals’ podcast

[Helena in a Handbasket opening]

HELENA

Hey everybody, welcome back to Helena in a Handbasket. Unfortunately our wifi is suffering under the strain of... unexpected guests. So no more live shows until we can upgrade the router. Or something. Demetrius seemed to know what he was talking about.

LYSANDER

Are we out of milk?

HELENA

There is no ‘we!’ You don’t live here!

LYSANDER

Of course I don’t live here. You think I would be caught dead living in Brooklyn? An artist in Brooklyn. Please! What a played out stereotype. Next you’ll be suggesting a dingy apartment near the Moulin Rouge. Shall I put the absinthe on your bill?

HELENA

And yet. Here you are. In my room--in Manhattan, I might add--asking if ‘we’ are out of milk.

HERMIA

[From a distance] Hel, are you yelling at Lysander?

HELENA

Ugh. [Shouting] No!

[Hermia enters Helena’s room]

HERMIA

Hel, don’t be mean. You promised. Remember?

HELENA

What I remember is you telling me that I didn’t need to worry about Lysander moving in as well. It’s a two bedroom apartment! And they’re not big rooms! We can’t have four people--!

HERMIA

Oh my god, can you chill? He just sprained something from moving the couch.

HELENA

And what was it he sprained again?

LYSANDER/HERMIA [SIMULTANEOUSLY]

Ankle./Shoulder.

....Shoulder?/...Ankle?

LYSANDER

My shoulder AND my ankle. I can barely limp to the kitchen for coffee...

[LYSANDER limps away]

HERMIA

The point is that he’s injured and shouldn’t be driving all alone like that! It’s not safe, Hel.

HELENA

[Back to talking to her audience]

As you may remember listeners, Hermia has moved in with me for the time being! Not many people know this, but we actually grew up together. Long before Hermia was a famous instagram influencer, she had pigtail braids and braces!

HERMIA

Oh my god, stop.

HELENA

Oh, come on, it was cute! We were kids!

HERMIA

Helena had headgear.

HELENA

It’s true. My mom tried to make me feel better about it and told me that it was my halo. Do you remember that?

HERMIA

I remember you announcing it at a high school cast party.

HELENA

Turns out folks, when you topple face first onto pavement while wearing headgear, the springy wire thing kinda bounces your whole skull off the ground for a second.

HERMIA

[Laughing]

And that’s why everyone called you Bobble Head after that.

HELENA

Joke’s on them. Now I get paid to have people laugh at my life.

HERMIA

You’re the inspiration of the ages, Hel.

[Beat]

We do need to talk, though.

HELENA

Jeez, way to give a gal a heart attack! Why would you say that?

HERMIA

Reality shows are all about intense stakes and high drama! I’m boosting your ratings.

HELENA

That’s not how podcasts--

HERMIA

Hel! I’m serious. I do want to talk with you about this.

HELENA

About what?

HERMIA

About Demetrius.

[Someone audibly presses pause.]

OBERON

What? What’s with the gesturing?

TITANIA

See? I told you! Oh, this is gonna be interesting! These four young, hormonal mortals in a tiny apartme...